Talking to You Every Day

What I would say if I could...

*8/14

Good morning! I hope you feel more rested this morning. I'm sorry for the emotional stress I cause you. I almost feel like I just need to let you go. You don't deserve to restrict yourself just because I'm too selfish to lose you. I understand your mindset on this. Some might think you don't want to be friends anymore just because you can't have sex with me but I know you better than that. I know that your sexuality is a big part of your world and it's a big part of how you express yourself. I would never ask you to change that. Remaining friends with me would make you have to hide your true self on a consistent basis. To top it off you'd be doing that with the one person you want to be most free with and that's just painful. I understand that baby. I know how much it hurts to not be able to love me the way you want. 

I can't even look at Adam today...I want nothing to do with him because he still reminds me of you. 

It makes me sick to my stomach to think that Friday night is the last time I'll ever see you. 

I'm angry with Clint for being so close minded about this. All I really want is for him to be ok with us being best friends and to trust me with that. It all makes sense to me. I don't want to leave him but I need you in my life too...I need more than just what he can give me. Why can't he see that and be ok with that? I could lie and just be with you as I want but I know you'd never let me do that. So here I am stuck trying to get over you when I know I shouldn't really have to. 

I'm so scared to death of losing you. It's shaking me to my core. 

I hope you're day isn't busy so you're not stressed on your birthday. Or maybe you want to be busy so you don't have to think.

Any other time you've talked about ending this you were angry. This time you were so calm, sad, but calm. That scares me so much more than anything else we've experienced. 

Can we just rewind to Friday before I emotionally freaked out? Can we back up and let me talk to Clint without making you feel like things needed to change between us? I don't know if I can survive this if you leave. There's a throbbing in my heart that won't stop.

Does this hurt as much for you as it does for me? Are you bursting at the seams to talk to me? Or are you enjoying the stress free life you have without me in it?

The desires and attraction we have for each other aren't wrong. It's what we do with them... At least on my end of things. It's the loss of control over those emotions that freaked me out last week, not the fact that I have them.

You know I freak out like this every time I cross a boundary or blurred line. I think I'm ok but I'm not but once I've figured out I can't cross that line again then I'm good... Until the next blurred line. The question is can you live with that? It's not really a back and forth. It's an emotional reaction to a new set of circumstances but never once have I regretted loving you or thought we should give up completely.

I just miss you and I wish I knew what you were thinking. I wish I knew if my biggest fear is coming true in your mind.

It wasn't triggered by Friday... It was triggered by a lot of things we did and talked about last week. I don't regret calling you or spending time with you that night. That's the one thing I don't regret. I was struggling even Thursday with stuff.

I feel like my life and heart are in your hands. I trust you with it, but I don't trust you to keep me.

I really wish I would've gotten that blow up doll for you now...A parting gift.

I'm so nervous you've already decided to leave me and I'm not gonna be able to do anything to stop it. It's crippling me.

Sitting at work all day is pure torture.

I recognize now that I ruined everything with my freak out. I could've lied. We could've hung out and spent time together the way we wanted and been perfectly safe doing it. I'm such an idiot. You have every right to be frustrated and angry with me and want to give up on this. I pulled you into my dreamworld last week and made you believe it could happen then I crashed it all to pieces in the matter of a day.

I found out where the bruise came from... Apparently I fell. Geez I was drunk! 

*8/15

So much to catch you up on... But basically I fucked up. I don't know if we'll ever recover. Clint knows how much I loved you and it's taken him over the edge. I tried to explain that he's still top priority but it's not good enough. We had the biggest argument we've ever had last night...I left and slept at a hotel. Our conversations this morning have been better but honestly I don't think I'll ever be able to have you again. I'm going to have to end up sacrificing you to save my marriage. 

I just want you to know that I was comfortable with everything. What made it wrong for me is that it wasn't on Clint's comfort level and in a marriage he has to be my standard. 

Regardless, I don't regret any of it. You made me so happy. You gave me so much confidence and dug into me and helped me embrace who I really am. You accepted me... And all my crazy. I can't even begin to tell you how much I needed a love like that. You opened my eyes to possibilities and freedom that I could have and although it makes me sad to realize that will never be reality, I still got to live in that dream world for a moment in time. The last 4 months have brought so much joy to my heart....I was so blissfully happy with my situation. I knew it might end this way but I'm so happy I enjoyed it while I could. I only wish I could leave you without a broken heart. I wish I didn't have to go at all. 

These are the choices that are hard. These are the sacrifices I regret having to make. But I made commitments and I love him...I just hope he realizes how much I'm losing.

I just kinda want to be done with life. Not because I'm losing you but because this has made me realize that I'm never going to have freedom. 

I was a fool to think this could work. You kept telling me and I told you to have faith. You knew and I should've trusted you and let you go a long time ago. But I was selfish...I needed you.

I'm so sick to my stomach right now with this. I don't want to lose you.

I have no faith. I have no hope. I just want to be released from this life so that Clint can be released from me. I wish I could make it look like an accident so he had no guilt and could move on with his life. I wish there was a way for me to disappear and start over without hurting him or leaving him with baggage. I hate what my struggles do to him and how much I hurt him.

I know Clint loves me but what if he can't love me the way I need to be loved? I feel so guilty for feeling that way. For him constantly having to try to please me and always feeling like he falls short.

I don't want to lose him but at the same time I have this restless heart that he needs to support and embrace and I don't think he ever will... So what choice do I have here?

I know God calls us to sacrifice. But it's far easier to sacrifice your whole life then to keep living it sacrificially.

Clint and I have been able to connect on so many levels about this topic today which has felt amazing to finally have him listen and understand me. He still hasn't changed his mind and I still am going to be trapped but hopefully the understanding will help.

I'm glad you made this decision on your own first. I'd rather you break my heart than I break yours... And I think we both knew that was coming. I'm so angry with you for breaking your promises and bailing on me... But I can't blame you. I was asking so much from you to deny yourself the ability to express your love. 

I'm never gonna know if you move or if you get a new job or if you accidentally get Kelsey pregnant lol I'm secretly hoping for that. 

I cried for you tonight...I cried so hard I was shaking and losing control of myself. Clint tried to hold me but I couldn't be contained. I feel like a hole is so deep in my heart. I don't know how to breathe. I can't eat. I sleep because it passes time quicker. I don't know how to function without you and I don't know how to do this life anymore. You showed me the way of freedom. You showed me how to be fully myself for the first time and no one will ever understand that's why I loved you so much. You gave me everything I needed and yet... Here we are. You always said it would end badly but I don't regret it. Not any of it really. Not many people get to love like that. It makes me wonder if I should leave but that's a big step. I don't even know how I could. People would think I'm such an idiot... And then I hear you say "who cares what people think. Do what makes you happy". I wish things were that easy. 

I wish Clint loved me enough to let me go. 

I don't want to leave him. I want the best of both worlds but he'll never change. He doesn't want to even try. He gets stuck in his head. He needs a girlfriend with your personality to free him lol I've tried. 

I could talk to you all night... That's what you used to say to me. 

You know what makes me happy? Saying good night to you...I got chills when you said those words. 

I have learned from my past experiences. This time I'm not deleting anything because I want to savor every minute. I will not be angry with you. I will not resent you. I will always love you and take with me the love you gave back. 

I know this was hard for you baby...I know. Your selflessness makes me love you even more.