I still feel you...

As the rain comes pouring down around me while your song plays for me awakening my memory. I feel you again.

I miss us. With my whole beat up, broken heart. It sickens me to think I may never have you like that again. You were my inspiration, my heart beat. 

I've worked on moving forward and accepting reality because I know that's what you would want me to do. I know it's right. But today...I just want you. I want all that we could've been. 

Sorry for the emotions this morning...I was a little overwhelmed. 

I'm starting on phones this morning. I'm nervous!! I shadowed someone who started just a week before I did and he helped a ton to calm my nerves but that first call still hasn't come in yet. I know I'll do ok...I mastered phones at PA. It's just a new thing I have to get good at again and it makes me nervous especially with everyone around me "listening".

Are you watching the eclipse today? The peak is around 1! I didn't get glasses so I'll have to get creative. I think you can use your camera on selfie mode to watch it from behind... Just don't really want to burn my retinas today lol 

I got my first call and it went well! I actually knew the answer lol First one down... Now I can relax a bit. 

I hope it works out for us to see each other this weekend. I just can't do Saturday night. One of my friends is getting all us girls together and as the stand in party Queen it would be weird if I didn't show up. Anyways... I'm not sure what your plans are or what you're even getting about everything... If you think you can even handle being around me. But just so you know I'm still open to this if you are.

The eclipse was SO cool! I remember seeing one in 3rd grade and everyone lining up in the parking lot with our glasses on to watch. I didn't realize the thing about the crickets but it makes sense. They always start buzzing when it gets dark. You know... Science lol Iwas so unprepared... Didn't even have glasses but this guy in the parking lot saw me trying to use my phone so he shared with me and we helped each other get pics. It was super funny... We were like giddy school kids lol

Ugh ugh ugh...I wanna talk to you so bad! Like I can't even right now. And it's not even out of any motivation that might be "wrong". I just miss talking to my friend about the daily. This bites. And yes you can totally reread that in the most whiny, 4 year old girl voice you want cuz that's prolly how I'm saying it lol 

Phones are going well so far! Nothing super difficult! Hold is my friend lol

Babe, I got recognized for a positive customer satisfaction comment on a case today! They put it in the weekly update email that goes to everyone including the CEO!! SO cool!! I mean it was a simple case but they wrote some really nice things so I'll take it lol I wish I could tell you this right now...

OK it's been a week. I lasted a solid week with little to no communication. Can we be done now? I'm seriously struggling today...I just hate this. It's not fair. Why do ppl and society have to be so dumb? Like why can't we just all love who we wanna love and be with who we want to be with without anyone being dumb and getting jealous or feeling inadequate. I know what I'm asking is near impossible but I'm just so over this today.

My day has gone faster at least so that's nice. I didn't do much this weekend so I plan on working out and finishing laundry up. That should keep my mind off of things for the evening.

Are you doing ok? That song was so deep and emotional and beautiful but I hope that you're finding some peace with this situation. I'm worried about you. I just really can't wait to see you, to know you're ok. To be with you and talk to you. The weekend can't come soon enough. And I also realize I need to stop talking like it's already solidified because you haven't agreed to this yet lol you still can say no or not yet or never or whatever. I'm just letting you know I'm anticipating even the possibility of this happening.

I made a new friend today... Shocker it's a dude. And he's like 22...I swear I just attract all the wrong people. I really don't even know what to do with myself anymore. I'm doomed lol don't worry he's not even remotely cute... Just a nice dude with a good sense of humor. Def more little bro material lol

Came home, made dinner, finished 3 loads of laundry... Yes I was that behind lol Clint helped tho so I can't take all the credit for getting so much done. I worked out tonight... And it felt so good! I can't believe after 30 years of fighting it I'm finally enjoying exercise... Took long enough! Lol 

How are you tonight sweetie? How has your health been lately? Hopefully all this drama isn't making it worse on you. Are you finding things to keep yourself busy? Probably glad not to have so many interruptions when gaming lol You're prolly kicking everyone's ass these days cuz you're so focused ;-) I kid but at the same time I do hope you're doing ok. I miss knowing how you're doing. But I guess that's something I have to get a little more used to with this transition. 

I was doing some research tonight on open marriages. I figured if I asked Clint to do it then I should do it too. I'll be honest the practical theory behind it totally makes sense... There's just one small problem. There's not a lot of biblical backing for it. Now that being said, there still may be some grey area for it as well... At least from what I see. I know none of this makes a difference to you, but it does for me so I'm just trying to talk this through. I recognize that a majority of the population is not intelligent or mature enough to handle openness in marriage cuz it does take a lot of honest open communication with each other. If you do it right, then it can be a huge benefit. 

I think that the reason the Bible warns against these things and talks so negatively about it is because it's not encouraged for most couples... They simply couldn't handle it. However you have a lot of examples and places in the Bible that state that the two of you belong to each other which implies that what you mutually decide is ok for your marriage is your call in this grey area. Also there were a ridiculous amount of heroes from the Bible who had so many wives and concubines and yet God never cursed them for it specifically. So... Again it's a grey area for me. Some have their hard and fast beliefs on either side but I think that if Clint was honestly ok with it and we could work together to figure it out, it would actually make us stronger because it would force us to have to be aware of each other more and to be more intentional about things. 

Idk... Just my thoughts tonight... Not that it makes a difference but I thought I'd at least gather them. I mean as lift if what ppl were saying made so much sense to me. The only time I ever really doubted that I wanted to leave Clint was when I felt like he didn't love me enough to try to grow in this area and that he didn't accept me for being who I am and having these thoughts and desires. But he's proven time and again like he always does that he's willing to work on stuff for me. 

My love for you is so strong and passionate and unwavering, but I still love Clint. I can't explain how that's possible to anyone but I know it is because I felt the same thing with Joe. The only reason I gave that up is because Clint and Joe's wife needed us to. But I stand by it when I say that both these relationships have made me stronger and have given me insight into my marriage to make it stronger as well. One article I read said it perfectly. She said that they were allowing each other to have relationships and sex with other people as long as it didn't compromise the commitment and connection to each other. That right there... Is exactly how I feel about us and this whole situation. That's what I wanted it to be from the beginning.

I know it's not normal in the Christian community to think this way but I don't know that it's necessarily wrong either to be honest. 

I know you're not into spiritual things and it might come across annoying to you that I weigh these things into my life choices but my faith is a big deal to me. It's the one consistent thing that's given me strength throughout everything in my life. It guides me. I can't make a big decision like this without considering what God wants for me here. I know you respect my choices even if you don't understand why or how I make them, and I appreciate that. 

It's raining again :-) I should sleep well tonight falling asleep to memories of you. Good night luv <3