Catch 22

I am a horrible person...or at least I feel like I am.

Haven't I already been down this road? Didn't I already get myself into such a situation that I almost lost everything I love? Yet, despite all this experience, here I stand again. The circumstances are different...better even, but there's still the ultimate problem.

I fell and now I can't go back.

I can't even say that I care within the confines of friendship because I'd be lying to myself. Yes, ultimately the friendship is there, but it's romantic. It's intoxicating. It's wild and exciting. And if my husband knew....all the trust I'd rebuilt would be demolished and I'd never get that back.

Physically we're not doing anything. We joke about things and express desires, but nothing has been acted on. But it's not just about the physical boundaries.

I've been struggling with questions about this all summer and just when I think I have it figured out to where I can relax, something new hits me. New emotions, new thoughts, new ideas.

I have a best friend that is a guy...and I love him dearly.

I know that's ok, but the problem is that I can't be honest about this relationship with my husband. Even though we're safe and not doing anything that would violate his trust. He has allowed this relationship to exist but it clearly bothers him.

So, I hide it. There's a large, important piece of my life that I can't share with my partner. There's a piece of me he won't understand. I want to share it with him. I want him to be open to listening to me talk about my friendship and even help me sort through some of the feelings I have. But, I can't.

I can't because I know if I admitted some of these feelings and struggles, he would tell me it's not safe. It would create a spiral effect on our marriage because he wouldn't ask me to give it up, but he would expect it.

And why wouldn't he? Didn't I promise to put him first forever? Didn't I vow that his feelings would be considered in every decision I made?

Does this make me an awful person that I'm willing to risk my standing with my husband for a friendship with another man? That I'm not willing to walk away because I benefit too much from having him in my life?

Didn't he create this impossible situation for me though? By drawing conclusions and letting his fear guide him, he forced me to shut him out of this area of my life. I'm forced to be deceptive and lie if I want to spend time with my best friend or talk to him about things that may cross the comfort lines of most people.

Yet, I feel guilty.

I don't want to build a relationship around dishonesty. I want to share this with him. But at what cost would I take that jump?

I can't lose either of these men. I need them both in my life, but I feel like it's a recipe for disaster. Something will blow eventually and I'm going to be the one left holding nothing.

I don't have the answers to these questions yet, and maybe I never will.

All I know is that I respect my husband and I love my best friend. I want both relationships to be as healthy as they can be considering the circumstances. I'm willing to think outside the box to try to make this work, but I may need to adjust some things.

But what adjustments can be made that help reverse a heart?

I want to lie as little as possible...and maybe that's the real answer here.

I want to spend time with my best friend in person. I want to see him more than once a year. I want to have face-to-face conversations with him. In order to do that I have to lie and deceive my husband. It's such a simple thing...yet the effects it has on me are clearly tremendous.

Maybe I'll figure this out one day and stop playing this game...I hope that happens before I lose everything that matters to me.