Emotional Idiot

I'm an idiot. A legit screwed up emotionally idiot and if this gets ruined it'll be because of me. Because I suck at controlling my emotions and keeping my shit together. 

I've been this way as long as I can remember... Struggling with illegitimate thoughts that consume me. And it happens so suddenly then I freak out, get it out of my system, and I'm good. I don't know why I process like this but I do. 

It hurts people closest to me... Including Clint and including you.

I hate myself right now for doing this to both of you. Clint has zero idea how discontent I am with life and you have zero idea how much I want to be content with what you're giving me. 

I don't know how to be half into something. I'm an all in kind of person and that's mainly because I am very aware of how difficult I am to love.

Gosh I just really don't know what to do. This relationship that we have is so amazing and beautiful and unique and I know I'm risking so much to keep it but at the same time I can't imagine giving it up. I can't see my life without you in it. Maybe some day I could but right now this works for me. I haven't been this balanced and happy in so long. I know I freak out on occasion and I did last night but that doesn't mean this is bad for me. That's just life. Whether you're in my life or not I'm going to have that issue. 

Maybe this is wrong and unacceptable in society. Maybe I should just leave and focus on being content with my life. I know why you're concerned for me and why you think it's dangerous that we see each other. I get it. You love me so much more than I realize. It's not that you don't want me. It's that you want me too much. That's why you keep your distance. That's why you struggle when I beg to see you or when I'm relentless with my emotions. You're in this just like I am. You don't express yourself the same way but that doesn't mean you love any less deeper than I do. I don't know why I so easily forget that. I know you make these suggestions to take a break because you think it's best for me. But my insecurities immediately shroud that selflessness out and think you're just abandoning me like everyone else. But you're not everyone else. You've proven that over and over again. 

God I'm so dumb. To imply that you love me any less and that you feel less towards me just because you suggest healthy space and balance. How demented can one be? I don't know how I got to be this way... So insecure that any one could ever really love me. But this isn't your problem to fix and I'm so sorry that I've overwhelmed you with taking on that task. It was very wrong of me and I can't ask that of you. You've given me so much more than I could've ever asked or hoped for. You're absolutely right. I am selfish and delusional and I don't deserve to have a man like you pursue me like you have. 

So you know how a climax helps release pent up sexual energy? That's kind of how my emotions work. I occasionally, usually around my period, have these explosions of completely irrelevant, Idiotic emotions. Once I get it all out tho I'm good. Like right now I feel really good... Aside from the fact that I hurt you and you're not talking to me. 

I hate that you haven't responded but I know I deserve this so I'm respecting you're space. I know I fucked up last night and I deserve to have you be worried and second guess everything that we're doing here. I just wish we could sit and talk through this in person instead of us just constantly taking time to think through things on our own. 

Can we just admit that I'm an emotional mess 75% of the time and just move on from there? I'll do my best to be less of everything and be more balanced and healthy for both of us. It's not what I want but I recognize now that it's not what you want either. You're suggesting this because you love me and don't want to screw up my life. I get it and I'm sorry I ever implied anything differently than that. 

I think this may be the last straw for you. I think I finally did it. I finally pushed you away for good. Either because it's not good for you or because you think this hurts me... You're gonna do it. You're gonna convince me to be done with this. I know you and you're not gonna be selfish about this if I can't keep it together.

Tonight I got a glimpse again of what it would be like if I lose you. I couldn't even finish my dance when you got my. Went straight to the bathroom and broke down. Pulled myself together long enough to close out my tab and head to my car before I completely lost it. I honestly don't know what to do. If I lose you... I honestly don't know that I'd be able to keep it from Clint. I think that would be the moment that he would figure it out. I would be a complete wreck. And I'd lose him anyways.... Even after you left because you thought you were preventing that.

I know I'm not your wife and right now I don't deserve anything from you. But please... Can you never do that again? Not tell me that you're in the hospital. How could you not know that I'd want to know that no matter what was going on with us? It's not about me keeping tabs on you or knowing every little thing in your life. It's about how much I care about you and what to know you're safe. You have to know that. Its not an obsessive thing. Or a control thing. You know me better than that honey.

Part of me thinks I need to end this now. Really let you go. Spare you the grief and distress of dealing with me. 

I'm watching New Moon tonight. The past where Bella and Edward reunite made me realize something. The whole movie Bella really thought Edward left because he didn't want her when in reality he did it to protect her. To give her a better life. When he told her he lied he asked her why it was so easy for her to believe him when he said that. She said she didn't think she was enough for him to possibly love. This... Right here is us. I freak out and I'm obsessive not because of who you are but because of who I am. I don't feel worthy enough to be loved. And I know you. I know you don't say things you don't mean. But still I doubt you. I always ask for more affirmation because I can't fathom that this could be enough for you. The irony behind all this is that this is the exact behavior that makes you feel like you're not good for me and that this isn't healthy for either of us. This is the behavior that will eventually drive you away from me. Because it makes you feel like you're not doing enough, like you're never going to be able to give enough... Despite all you're already sacrificing. 

I can't keep doing that to you. If I can't figure this out then I have to let you go. It will hurt but if I know you're better off then maybe I can survive it. I have to get myself together if I'm going to keep you. 

I just hope you realize how much I wish I could do better. How hard I really am trying to do better. But I'm going to have my relapses. These patterns aren't easy to break especially when I never see you and the time we do have together is limited. Those are my biggest pieces of affirmation in a relationship and I can't have them with you. This is really hard for me. Please remember that and that I'm really trying to be what you need me to be in all this. I simply can't lose you. I'm doing everything in my power to keep that from happening. Please don't give up on me yet.