I've thought a lot about this and I keep coming to the same conclusion.
We used to talk about the future together. About being best friends forever. Loving each other until we we're 80. Then something changed a little over a month ago. You stated using different terminology. You stated trying to tell me that you weren't good for me. That this was dangerous. That it wasn't healthy. You stopped calling me your best friend and reinforcing promises that you would never leave and that you could handle being my friend. You stopped investing in me emotionally. I stopped feeling safe and started being afraid of telling you anything emotionally deep for fear it would set you off and we'd have to have a talk about my emotions or our relationship. You stopped working with me and started arguing with me.
You told me not too long ago that we had proven that we could do this. We could have this relationship... But Clint was the problem. Not too long after that I stopped fighting and submitted to my desires to love you the way I wanted.
But something in you switched when I did that. Slowly I began to see you fade. You stopped enjoying what we were doing and what we had and you started worrying about the consequences. I started hearing more about how obsessive and demanding I was and less about how we were in this together. You've been pushing me away for weeks and even today you said things couldn't go back to the way they were. But the way things were wasn't really anything at all. We've fallen so far away from the people we were this summer.
Part of me can't blame you for pushing me away. This isn't what you asked for. You and I were supposed to just be friends that flirted and got dirty occasionally. You never meant to fall in love with me. You didn't ask to be attached to another woman emotionally. You just made that type of commitment to your wife... Why would you want to strap another female into your life. The moment I finally gave in and let you have all of me emotionally and physically...I think that's the moment I started to lose you. It made you realize that we weren't playing games anymore and someone could really get hurt.
I know it seems crazy but I still think we can do this. I think we were meant to find each other. I believe that we can have a best friend, screw around on the side at times relationship. I believe you're good for me. The problem is that you're not happy. And you haven't been for awhile. You've been forcing things you shouldn't have to because you were putting me first and keeping your promise. In the end you've suffered for that.
I don't want this to end. It breaks my heart just thinking about it which is why I've struggled so much this week.... Because I already know it's coming. I know that's what needs to happen now and I know you're holding off doing it. You're trying so hard to figure things out so you don't hurt me. But honey you don't have to do that anymore....
I release you.
I'm making the choice I should've a long time ago. I'm finally letting you go... Releasing you from all the dreams and promises. Releasing you from the weight of adding another emotional baggage to your already filled plate. This isn't good for you anymore and you're not happy doing the relationship thing. You want something different and need something different than what I can give you. I can't be the casual sex partner you want...I love you too much now.
I want to be very clear that I don't want to do this but I know I need to... Because you deserve to be happy. And I'm not making you happy anymore. This isn't what you want and I think you know I'm right.
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