I had a good friend, one who has seen me at my worst quite a few times, share some wise words with me tonight. I told her about some of my insecurities and irrational thoughts. First, she looked me in the eye and told me that I'm not crazy, because what is normal. That's fair, but it doesn't change the fact that normal doesn't always act how I did. She doesn't know these details but still she's seen enough of me that I trust her judgment of my character. Second, she affirmed that I am a deep feeler. That I am incredibly empathetic, and that is not only my greatest strength, it's also my greatest weakness.
I feel things to a level that most people will never get to, and that's not a bad thing. But I need this to be healthy for me. I need to learn to not carry guilt with me. To not shoulder the pain of a friend as if it was my own. To not have these moments of sadness and depression consume me.
The last thing she said was probably the most revealing. She talked to me about how people who have psychotic breaks or anxiety attacks, much like I did on Friday, it's not for no reason....again making me not crazy just a little broken. The key in all this is that those breaks are all triggered by something. There is a reason. Maybe it's something that happened to you in your past, something you're blocking out, something that effected you so deeply that you still carry it with you without realizing it.
She encouraged me to start writing down when I feel these highs and lows and think about the thing or word or action that triggered that....hoping that I can find some patterns and be able to trace this back to the root cause of my insecurities.
Why has the word "done" always triggered me when you use it? Without fail, every time you've used it, I have immediately broke down in tears and fear and anxiety that you're actually leaving.
This isn't your fault in any way by the way and I'm not trying to shift blame. My actions are my own and I take full responsibility. But I need to understand why this happens to me. How I can become so irrational in a moment and throw everything to the wind. I was on my way home...I was doing the right thing. Then the only thought I had in my head is that I couldn't lose you....and every other rational thought faded out of existence. I am thankful I didn't cause a disturbance, and that I had the sense to leave when I did. I was already halfway home by the time you texted me back. But....again, none of this is the point. Why did I flip in the first place?
I already know I have trust issues in regard to relationships of any kind. That's a fact and almost every one of my friends knows it. When I reach out, like I did to a couple of them today, they immediately respond because they know I don't ask for help unless I really need it. Because I don't let people in unless its my last hope. But why? Who ever did such bad things to me that I feel like I have to protect my heart like this? Why do I feel like I am such a horrible person that I have to protect people from who I am...that I can't let people get close because eventually I'll ruin them?
And that's probably just it. It's not just one event or person....it's a track record.
And this is where I need to get into the weeds, where it might get a little thick. It's time to take it back.
1. Amy, Danielle, and Jenelle - 3 girls, forever inseparable from birth until Jr. High - Change in interests and circumstances left me standing alone at every youth event, abandoned by the ones I once had called sisters. This lasted for years off and on. I quickly realized that friendships with boys were filled with a lot less drama. Until....
2. Travis - My best friend, my confidant for several years. We were inseparable at school and I felt so protected and wanted again. He was the empathetic type as well, always looking out for me in every way. He was there the night my dad was rushed to the hospital. He held me while I cried and told me it was going to be ok. The problem was that I fell for him, and when I took the courage to express it, the feelings weren't mutual. All I heard was that I wasn't enough to turn his head in that way. We faded after that. Our friendship never to be the same...no matter how much his mother wanted it to be different lol
3. Dad - We're too alike he and I. I was always a daddy's girl, but we butt heads a lot growing up. My teenage years were the worst. Yelling matches definitely were a part of those growing moments. I always knew he loved me, but he was so hard on me. Tough love doesn't begin to cover it. I worked so hard to be the best I could be at something to make him proud but I was never really great at anything. His constant "constructive criticism" always left me feeling like I would never really reach perfection, and perfection was the point he would finally be proud of me. He's much more tender now in telling me he loves me, but his criticisms remain.
I remember the night I thought I was going to lose him. It was the night of my 11th grade spring program. I had to go because I was in the band. Dad had bouts with depression off and on, but this one was different. Our finances were crushing us. He'd always worked so hard to make a comfortable home for us. His body is paying for it now even though he's only 60. He got to the point where he felt that we would be better without him. That he could never do enough. I remember him sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket for days. The night I left for the program, he was sobbing and muttering words about wanting to be done with life. That he was tired of failing. My mom rushed me out the door as a couple men from church came in to help. I had to sit through that program and perform as if nothing was happening. I remember my friend, Danielle, was the only one who noticed something was wrong. She walked out with me after the program and asked me what was wrong and I lost it. I thought I was losing him, and I hadn't treated him the way I should've. He didn't know how much I loved him and how much he meant to me. I needed him in my life.
I carried that experience with me silently for a long time. Not many people know about it and even my family won't talk about it often, but Dad knows it still bothers me. When he makes off the cuff comments about when he dies just trying to be realistic or funny, he can see it in my eyes that I'm not laughing. He's actually apologized to me on several occasions because he knows how much it scares me for him to talk like that. Going through that experience of almost losing the "man" in your life permanently has it's way of shaping how you view relationships.
4. Enter Chris - First boy I ever really loved in the type of way that it was sacrificial. 2 years younger and full of pain and depression from being rejected by his father and being raised by a single mom. He was also the emotional type...took everything very deeply. We were friends for awhile before I realized that I had more feelings than that for him. My senior year and I gave up spending time with my friends to be with him as much as possible, even when it inconvenienced me. He needed me. I was afraid for him, and he depended on me to carry his emotional burdens with him. This one does get interesting though. He had feelings for someone else, which was made very clear because he was always so broken-hearted about the fact that it was reciprocated. High school love lol
I somehow convinced my parents to let my brother and I to stay over at Chris' one night so that I could help him pass Math. This happened twice. On the second night, I found myself downstairs sneaking into his bed. I didn't even want anything. I just wanted to be held, to be close. One touch led to another. It was the first time a guy felt my bare chest. It was my first kiss...in the dark. I couldn't even see his face. One kiss led to more...commence first make out session. The next morning...I was completely ignored. Treated as if I didn't exist. He was back with his true pursuit. I'll never forget the night a few weeks later at his home alone when I asked him about it. We were standing in the moonlight by his back door. We were standing so close I could barely breathe. He took my chin in his hand and tilted my chin up and kissed me. I'll never forget his words, "A kiss is just a kiss. It doesn't change anything." After that I was hard-pressed to even get him to talk to me at all. To return my calls. To acknowledge my presence. I was cast aside. It was the first time I ever really felt like a piece of used trash by a guy.
5. John - The man who still haunts my dreams...and that's no joke. I will still wake up with nightmares about him to this day. He probably did the most damage to me more than anyone so this may take awhile to sift through. Met him my freshman year of college. Young, mostly innocent Jenelle, who was still recovering from high school heartbreak, and he knew all the right words to say. I was captivated before I even knew what was happening. It was like he could see right into my soul. He paid attention to me. Made me feel special, something I craved so much. He sat and listened to me for hours as I talked about Chris. He was the one that helped me realize how used I had been. That Chris never really cared. He never reciprocated my feelings. He knew I would be there, and he used that to his advantage emotionally and physically.
Maybe I felt like I needed to reward him for helping me make that discovery or something, but I became very attached very quickly to John. I hung onto his every word. We were instantly known as a couple all around campus. There's a big key here that one has to understand in order to also understand the implications. I was raised that physical touch while dating was wrong...even hand holding, yeah, it was that conservative...and dumb. But this was the mindset, and I always aimed to please. The school we went to also had rules against physical contact, so even though we were incredibly attracted to each other...nothing could happen, or you would be breaking the rules.
I wanted to behave...be the good girl and not disappoint or let people down. But John was experienced. He wanted more and he opened my eyes to a whole new world. He would talk to me about things I'd never known before. He peaked my curiosity. He also had an eye for all the dark areas we could sneak off to on campus. I remember my reluctance every time, and every time he would convince me either with his words or actions to give in. Every time. Sometimes I had no choice. My hands went where he wanted them to go, even when I tried to pull away because I didn't feel safe.
Why didn't I walk away? Because he was also a smooth talker. He knew all the right words to say to get me to stay. After each one of these moments of "sin" we'd talk and he'd apologize and say he'd never do it again. Promise after promise. And it would be good for a little while...then it would get worse than it was before. It got to the point where I tried to stay in public with him because I knew what would happen if we were alone in one of his places just to "talk". I can't claim too much on this because I was an active participant for the most part. Also, we never had sex, not even oral...but it was the first sexual relationship I'd ever had, and he touched every part of my body and expected the same, regardless of how I felt about either of those actions. I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it at times...I mean he was Italian, so there was some skill there. But I know now that I was being manipulated and taken advantage of.
After a year of manipulation I finally got up the courage to break it off completely. That year was one of the toughest years of my life. The manipulative, somewhat tender/loving John finally revealed his true colors...and just how bad of a temper he could really have. I became the object of his revenge on the world. He took all his anger and hatred out on me in ways that still leave me unnerved. We lived on a small college campus so there weren't many places to hide. Sometimes I had to be in the library to do research. I had to go to the dining hall to get food. I had to work at the coffee shop, and I couldn't leave. He learned my routines, all of them...and he haunted me.
I remember being cornered in the computer lab in the basement of the library. He got so close and no one was there. I thought for sure he would finally take full advantage of me like he'd always been pushing me towards. But I was saved by a random stranger and I escaped. He once cornered me in the entrance of the dining hall and yelled at me in front of all my friends. I was so embarrassed and ashamed by some of the things he said to me and about me in front of this crowd of strangers and friends. He would find me when I was working the coffee shop alone or sitting in the library by myself. He would tell me that I was a manipulative witch that made him do things he'd never wanted to do. That I was a whore and I'd ruined him by defiling him. I learned never to go anywhere alone. I always had someone with me if possible. This lasted all year.
The emotional and mental toll that year took on me was one I'm not sure I ever fully recovered from. It was the first time I really experienced a period of full on depression and felt like I couldn't handle life another day. I don't think I even realize to this day how much I was being manipulated by him. How much he changed my view about myself and my relationships. I was in a dark place for so long...I became a different person. Neurotic, paranoid, skeptical, fearful, anxious. In February that year, 2 of my best friends and former room mates, ones that had seen it all with my relationship with John, made it a point to sit me down one night and tell me I needed to be better or they couldn't be friends with me anymore because I wasn't being a good "Christian". Don't even get me started on how unbiblical that was, but the point is that in my time of need...I was abandoned again. Because I was too crazy, too neurotic for them to handle. I spent most of the rest of that year drifting from class to class. I did have a few people stand beside me through that dark time. One that to this day is still a friend. We're not as close as we once were but we still keep in touch. He was the only one who knew just how dark my world was, but his world was dark too, so we just lived in the darkness together for a little while.
6. Since then I've had many friends drift and out of my adult life. Some simply due to life and natural distance, others because they couldn't handle my storm. I was too much for them. Since getting married, I've never really let myself have close friends. I've always had Clint. He's always been consistent, steady, patient, and kind. He is my opposite and my rock in every way. We may not have this igniting love that fills me with butterflies, but he keeps me safe. He protects me emotionally and physically. He's one of the good ones.
The funny thing is that we started being friends the year that John was taunting me. He always turned my fear and anxiety into a game or a distraction. He used to work in the library so he would let me race him at the end of the night putting books away. When we started dating he never really dug into my past all that much. He just focused on getting to know who I was and what made me tick. He concentrated all his efforts on loving me every day, and making me smile every day. He'd always have these little Dove chocolates in his backpack and would leave them in random places for me to find lol His magic for humor and distraction in a tense situation still gets me sometimes. I needed that. I needed someone to pick me up and show me that life could be happy again. I could enjoy it. I just needed to get out of the dark hole in my head so I could see the sun shine.
I really have no complaints about Clint. He hasn't hurt me or damaged me. He's not perfect, but he has always tried...he's never left or manipulated me or taken advantage of me. He's always tried to protect me and love the best he can, even if he knows it's not enough.
I think my only regret from our dating story is that I pursued him. He was actively involved in our friendship but he made it very clear he didn't see it going anywhere. I told him he was wrong and that some day he would change his mind lol It's a funnier part to our story, but sometimes I wish it was the other way around. I never really got pursued in the butterfly feeling way, but he made up for it later and still does. So...I guess it really doesn't matter.
7. Joe - My first affair. Might as well label them that way now. Makes it easier to remember. Joe was an accident. A friendship between 2 hungry people that turned into a brief lapse in judgment. I don't want to downplay this relationship because he was there when I needed him. He saved me from myself that summer. He was the only one who cared enough to see past my bullshit and see that I was in a place that wasn't safe. But he didn't just see it. He did something about it. He reached into my heart and struck a chord that was so dead. The one that said I was worthless, a mistake, unloveable. He helped me see truth, the light hidden behind my darkness. He loved me in that dark place. I had never really had that before, not like that. He didn't just stand there. He sat in the darkness with me until I was ready to stand up again. I'll never forget that. It was true and sincere, probably one of the reasons we can still be friends to this day.
But it was an affair....and when discovered it had to end or we both would lose everything. This was the right choice for both of us. But I ended up bearing the burdens of everyone's healing process over the next 6 months. I was the only one connected to the other 3 and I was determined to fix my mistake, so I took on that challenge. I spent time working with Joe and helping him "get over" me, which was painful because I had to pull away from him and pretend I had turned it off so he would do the same. He fought against it for so long. He became resentful and hurtful towards me, but I stood my ground. If he didn't let go of me, he would never get his marriage back. I was doing what was best for him. I knew that and it fueled my desire to stand strong despite how much pain I was in.
I worked on Clint, his insecurities of my betrayal. Rebuilding his trust. Rebuilding what we had together before the mess of the past year snuck up on us. I remember the first time I had sex with him after he found out. I was still so in love with Joe and I still had memories of his lips on my skin, but Clint said we had to just do it and get over it, so we did. He will never know this...but I cried. I'll never forget putting him first in that moment to prove I wasn't leaving and I was willing to work on us. I'd do it again if I had to....doesn't change the fact that it hurt.
Six months after everything unfolded, everyone was in a better place. Hearts were repairing and I had done my part to help with that process. The problem is that I was alone in my own struggle. I had buried the pain of losing my friendship with Joe for so long that it started coming out in ways I couldn't stop. I started drinking...heavily, any chance I could get. I can't count the times I went out and got shit-faced just so I didn't have to remember or think. This went on for another 6 months...until one night I went too far on a business trip with my work colleagues. 6 long islands in about an hour and a half should've landed me flat on my face. Instead I blacked out for the rest of the night. I don't remember any of it, where we went, who I touched. All I know is that somehow I ended up in my hotel elevator alone...my friends apparently thought I was good enough to be thrown in the back of a cab while completely intoxicated. That I would safely make it to my room. I did...thankfully. But that night was the end of my party phase.
So....why the word "done"? Why does that trigger me so much?
I don't think it's the word itself. It's what it symbolizes. All these relationships that have been "done" with me. That have left or let things fade because I became too much for them. It doesn't matter who you are or how many promises you've made to me. It should but it doesn't, and it's no offense to you. I have had too many men take advantage of me. Use me to get what they want, then leave me in the dust.
I honestly think the true trigger here was our physical relationship and us sleeping together. It started this progression of relapse for me. I've never known a physical relationship with a man that didn't leave me heartbroken....Clint doesn't count cuz we're married. I think I expected you to leave from that moment, and I could never get it out of my head. I felt you fading and I accepted it as truth because why wouldn't you? This is the pattern of my life. Men come in, say nice things, I think they love me, I give in completely and fully, then they hurt me.
I know you say you're in a different place now and that's fine. I understand needing to adjust feelings to be more healthy. I'm working on that too. But that weekend we spent together....those moments were full of magic. It wasn't just about the sex. I felt that so deeply that it honestly scared me. The fear that you would follow the pattern overtook me. No matter how I tried to fight it, it slowly crept in. All last week, I fought against the thought that you were leaving me. Even with your affirmations on Thursday night, I felt fear. I still feel fear. Fear that you don't want to be as invested in me. That I don't hold any magic for you anymore. That you no longer want to be a part of my life in that way because it's too much, it's too intense.
Fear made me react on Friday night. Fear that you finally had enough and that you were really done. After the week we'd had and how much I had fought against that fear, I couldn't let it be true. I couldn't let someone else leave me....especially not because I was too much. That couldn't be the reason again. Irrational as it may be...that's why I snapped. And that's why I can't forgive myself for snapping the way I did. Because I almost lost you in the process of not losing you....all because of irrational fears rooted in my past. Fear will make a person do some crazy things...I've just proven it.
My next step, what do I do with this pattern of fear that has built up over so many years of heartache and pain? How do I fight against it successfully so it doesn't creep back in like it did Friday? How do I keep it from ruining the relationships I have right now...the ones that are fulfilling and beautiful?
That answer will have to wait for another day....
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