Every day that you're silent my sanity grows thinner.
Every song I hear makes me think of you, what we had, what I miss, or how I feel now that you're gone.
The reminders are all around me choking me in.
The only thing I can do now is distract myself from the hole inside. I put on this mask in the morning and take it down at night. No one knows the pain inside. No one can feel it but me.
You can't stop the attraction of two magnets. I believe in my heart that's us... If that's true, nothing will be able to stop this.
Today I'm just sad. Sad because I miss you. Sad because this is happening again and I honestly don't even know why. Sad because I think I know what's going to happen next and I'm not ready for it. Sad because I really just want to talk to you right now, hear your voice reassuring me that everything will be ok, feel your arms around me holding me tight so I can actually feel how much you don't want to let me go.
Can we be done with this now? Are you done being mad and thinking that a break is actually gonna do us any good or slow this fire down? Cuz I'm drowning here. I want so badly to text you and I can't because you were the one that asked for this and I will respect your wishes. But man this sucks balls... And not in a good way.
I've been pretty damn clear with you that no amount of thinking or time or space is going to change the way I feel about you. It's just not. Once in my heart... Always there. That's been proven time and time again. Did you really think this was going to help diminish my feelings for you? Is that what you're hope was?
I thought you were back... Got my hopes up. But I'm thankful for what I get. I know you're confused and I want to give you the time you need to figure out what's healthy for you. I can't be selfish with this. It's not fair for me to throw a fit just because I hate distance. This is what you need...I will do my best to comply. At least I heard those magic words today. You miss me and you love me. That gives me enough to keep going a little longer for you.
Seriously tho... Every song. I don't even like Drake and every time I hear One dance I just can't help myself... Geez
Keeping myself distracted tonight. Trying to stay busy cuz too much downtime does bad things to the brain and emotions. I really do want to give you the space you need honey. I wish I knew why this was so hard for you. I don't understand why you're confused and upset. I don't get what's happening with you but I wish I did. I wish I could sit with you and help you figure it out. Most ppl appreciate my gift to do that but I'll respect your wishes and give you time to figure this out. I'll stay strong for you. I'll keep writing so you know I'm still here waiting for you to come back to me.
There's so much I want to tell you and catch you up on. So many things I want to ask you about how things are going with you and your health and just life in general, but I know we can't go back to normal yet. You need to be in a healthy place. I have a feeling I know what it's going to take to get you there but I'm hoping I'm wrong. Trying to keep faith. But you're the realist, not me. You'll decide differently than me every time.
Do you remember when you almost gave up on me in June? You got upset and didn't talk to me for 3 days and I was determined to just let the friendship die because it was probably for the best anyways. But then when we talked that night and you got mad at me again and told me you were done something in me snapped. I was heart broken. I don't know how but in that short 2 month period you burrowed so deep into my heart that even then I knew you would be a large part of my life and I couldn't lose you. I'm so glad you didn't give up on me that night. I still remember your words... Fuck this I'm not giving up on you. That's what you said lol I'll never forget that... Because that's the moment I knew I loved you and I could trust you because you really loved me too.
I still love you sweetie... And I know you think this is dangerous and maybe it is. But I'm ok living with danger. I'm ok risking what I have for something that doesn't fit the mold of ordinary. You and I are unique, special... And we'll never have each other the way we really want but I'm happy just knowing I have your love and that you know you have mine.
We'll figure this out... We always do. We always will. Have a little faith luv.
I hope the things I posted tonight didn't unnerve you. Or make this worse. To be honest I'm not sure they will help at all but I'd rather be honest with you and have it all out there than to never let you know how I'm really feeling. That way no matter how this ends I'll know you knew how much I loved you.
No comments:
Post a Comment