Every morning I wake up and for one slight second everything is ok. I'm still mesmerized by the dream I just had and my brain is still foggy trying to grasp reality.
Then it hits me.... You're gone.
I try to go back to sleep. Back to the dream I was having that made me drift into another universe where I don't have this pain. It's pointless. The pain is back and every second it reminds me that I don't live in a dream world. If I did... You'd still be here. Any dream... Even a bad one would be better than the nightmare of reality that I'm living in.
I've never been a morning person but lately I wake up when Clint does. Can't get back to sleep so I just lay there thinking about you. I could invest stock in melatonin at this point...I wish it did more.
My digestive system is in shambles right now. I tried to eat more yesterday, small portions at a time, but I can tell my body isn't getting enough. Every part of me aches and I've lost even more weight. I guess that's one way to reach your goal.
I don't know why but I still can't get it through my head that you're really not coming back. I don't know if it's because you spent so much time telling me you'd never leave or if I'm just still in denial that you'll figure things out and change your mind. Either way this back and forth in my brain is going to drive me insane. The moments I don't believe you're gone are the ones where I actually feel normal. Then when it hits me again it's like I stop functioning completely. Maybe that's why I'm doing it... Subconsciously helping myself get through the day.
I remember you telling me that you loved me almost as much if not as equally as you did Kelsey. That wasn't that long ago. Maybe that's another reason it's hard for me to believe you're gone. I know you don't say things you don't mean. You don't spare people's feelings that way. You're honest to a fault. But... Maybe you weren't being as honest with yourself and maybe that's the real problem. You weren't lying to me all this time. You were lying to you.
Yay I'm definitely living in denial today. I vocally have to keep telling myself you're not coming back. My mind just doesn't want to believe it... It's shut it all out.
You know you and I aren't that different. We both bear pain on a daily basis. Yours physical, mine emotional. We're both used to carrying that load alone and hiding it from the people in our lives. The difference is that I found you... And I let you see my painful side. Now I have to learn to live with the fact that my pain was too much for you to bear so I have to go back to hiding. This is why I was so obsessive. Why I needed you in my life. But I can't be selfish anymore. You have your own pain to bear. You don't need mine too.
I need to be strong for you. I know you're struggling right now too. Hurting and fighting with what we've become. What we've lost.
I'm still here love. I'm still fighting for you. It's just different now.
That's the thing about the strength you've seen in me. It's strongest when I'm fighting for someone else. I don't really care about me or the consequences for my life. But I know I have to be strong enough to hide my pain for Clint and I have to be strong enough to make it through every day for you...I promised you I would keep fighting. I pull strength because the men I love need me to.
I don't want to go in to work. I just want to stay here with you. When I'm here I can be me like the me I was with you. When I step out of this car I have to put on the mask.
Today hurts babe... It hurts really bad.
I can't concentrate or focus on anything at work. Maybe they'll fire me then I can just leave and start over. You can have my job. You'd be good at it. Way easier than PA once you get adjusted.
I'm so glad we have cubicles here... Cuz if anyone could see my face, it would not be good. I'm sure they would read the pain that's hiding there. At least this way I have some privacy. I can fight back tears in my own time instead of forcing myself to bury the emotion because someone will see it.
Babe this is so hard. I don't have anyone to talk to our comfort me. I'm just here... Pretending. So alone. I don't know if I'm gonna make it thru today. It hurts so much. I can't keep the tears back. They come so quickly despite what I do. I miss you so much. But you're gone. I can't pull from your strength anymore. I have nothing. I have no one.
I feel so cold....
Clint just informed me that October is going to be really busy for him and he might be more stressed and unavailable than usual... Super. Let's just top this all off for me with that news. Of course my response was that it'll be ok and not to worry. Inside I'm thinking of how lonely the next month is going to be...I may need to rethink this no booze October idea.
How much I'm struggling right now is exactly why you left isn't it? You couldn't be my rock anymore. I drained your strength from you. I wouldn't be surprised if you disconnect from me completely. I'm trying to be careful what I post on snap chat. I don't want it to be too painful for you... Because then you'll completely leave.
I hope you're doing ok. You're so much stronger than me. This seemed so easy for you to decide so I know you have a peace about it even if it hurts. You cut out entire relationship off in under 30 minutes. I have bad news and you're not gonna like it...I knew then what it was. I knew you were done. But was it just me that wasn't gonna like it? I know the answer to that... But the way you said it seemed so nonchalant. Maybe you were just putting on a brave front or maybe you just wanted to get it over with...I don't know. I want expecting anything long and drawn out. I'm happy with how it ended. I guess I just miss you.
I almost feel like I just need to disappear for you. To just not be available at all... To vanish. So you really forget about me and just move on. I want you to be healthy again. I'm so sorry I caused you so much pain by putting my burdens on you. I know it was wrong but it felt so good not to carry them on my own for once. I needed that for a little while. Thank you for doing that for me but now it's time for you to take care of yourself. Let me do this for you... Let me disappear from your mind. Forget those moments with me... Let them fade. Release the pain I brought to your life.
Been a busy day on phones... That's good. I have no choice but to focus and do my job. Its getting me through this day.
Clint just asked me how I'm doing emotionally... If I'm any better than the beginning of the week. I lied.
I went to the park on my break again... It helps to be alone in nature. I walked in the creek, went on the swing.... Keeping my body in motion seems to help.
They had BBQ for lunch today so that helped with the appetite. Still not as much as usual but it was something at least.
I'm just really pissed off right now at this whole situation and I don't know that I could even put it in words. I don't want to talk to ppl or be around anyone. I don't want to deal with customers. I don't want anything to do with you or this fucked up mess that I'm dealing with because of you. I never asked for this. I was perfectly fine coasting through life until you came along and shook things up. Once you love someone like I loved you a piece of your heart is always with them.... Never to come back to you. I'm so broken right now and it makes me so angry.
Crazy fidgeting commence....I can not sit here and think for the next 3 hours. I'm going to go crazy. Congratulations you no longer have to deal with this. You got out. Hurray for you. Now I get to live with this mess you left behind. The swirl of incessant, uncompromising, incoherent thought.... Suffocating any and all voice of reason. And somehow I have to push through and figure out how to focus so I can do my work and how I can go home and pretend that everything is all better now. Fuck this. Fuck it all.
This is a great attitude for me to be in to go out tonight... Pissed off and dangerous. Self destruct mode.
Saved by Maroon 5... Jared's suggestion. This is my jam... Good source of tunes to get all this fidgeting out.
Ugh except "She Will Be Loved". John used to play this for me to tell me how much he loved me and wanted to help me figure out my demons. That turned out to be a disastrous... Funny how almost 13 years later I'm dealing with the same shit. Guess I'll never learn my lesson... Don't trust anyone. They always lie.
Hot, angry tears burn behind my eyes right now. Damn you for leaving me like this.
Enter "Unkiss Me".... Fuck... I'm screwed.
I really don't think I can do this. I don't think I can get through this. Why did you go? You left me so quickly. I don't understand? How am I supposed to just let this all fade away and act like it was nothing?
I had to go to the bathroom to cry this time...I couldn't keep it in or suppress it like usual.
I think this may really be the end of me. What did I do to myself? Why did I let you in? Why did I trust you? I know it would end like this... They always leave. I thought you would be different. I should've known better. No one can handle me. No one.
Dug pretty deep into an integration issue this afternoon. It felt good to be learning something more technical and in depth. I even discovered a small widespread issue which is always fun. Here you get to create your own JIRA's and talk directly with engineering... It's way more efficient. So that has helped a little.
I still was struggling tho when I was talking with one of the team leads. I was watching him investigate and this overpowering urge to cry came up. I fought it but gosh this is just not normal. I don't struggle like this... You really broke me hun. Not even gonna try to sugarcoat it...
Been really distracted this afternoon with widespread issue number 2... Good distraction but I would prefer a different method.
My heart still hurts. I don't want to go tonight at all. I just want to sit at home and drink wine and watch sad movies and cry... But I already responded and told my friend I would go tonight. I guess I can try. Either way it's gonna suck so I might as well get more 2 step practice in. I did really well last week and I'm learning more who are the good dancers so that's helping too.
There was only one time that I can remember in our relationship that I took a break and almost left... And I still came back. You took so many breaks and needed so much space periodically. I don't know why I didn't see this coming. I should've known you were eventually going to check out. In case you're wondering this is why breaks always sucked for me. Because it happened too often that you had to re-evaluate us...I never knew if that would be the last time you'd choose to stay or if it would finally be the time you choose to leave. I guess I finally found out.
I'm just so devastated right now. I just don't understand. Why couldn't I be enough for you?
Didn't even make it out of the work parking lot before breaking down. The flood gates opened...I cried the whole way home.
There really is no way for me to fix this one is there?
The tears won't stop.... Why? Why did you leave? You left me all alone. This hurts so bad... Ugh...I could really use my Max right now. The one who was so tender when I was hurting. The one who held me tight and told me it would all be ok. I really need someone to tell me it's going to be ok right now...I don't think it is.
I had to lay on my living room floor when I got home. I was having trouble breathing again. But I kept it under control this time.
One week ago things were going so well... And I made one fatal mistake that ruined everything we had. This hole in my chest is my fault. This pain is my burden to bear now.
I don't know if I can go tonight. I'm not gonna make it. There will be a song or something or someone... It's been 3 days since I've heard from you and 2 solid weeks since we had any sort of normal. I miss you so much. I don't understand why you think we're not good together. I wish I knew more but I guess I just have to live with what I have.
These feelings of loss, rejection, and abandonment are closing in on me and I don't know what to do. I think I'm losing control.... Why did you stop loving me?
I can't do this anymore. No more writing. Thinking. Crying. I can't handle anymore right now. Emotions... Off.
No comments:
Post a Comment