Catching Up - 9/20

You said last week that you've been here before and you know how dangerous this is. I don't know what experience you're referring to but I think you forget that I've been here before too. I had a choice to make and I gave up my feelings for someone who made me feel amazing for the first time in years just to keep the white picket fence dream. And here I am several years later in the same position... Except this time I'm not letting it go.

I've already allowed this to go so much farther and deeper than last time and I don't regret a second of it. If there's nothing I've learned in my life it's that you don't come across a love like that very often. Even Clint and I never had that kind of chemistry... We just were always comfortable together, best friends, made to be partners for life, but the love I have for him is different.

You can't force yourself to feel a certain way about someone based on how they treat you. Clint treats me like a princess 95% of the time. He takes care of me and loves me fully and completely and I'm grateful and appreciative of that. I love him too... But that doesn't make me content. Have you ever listened to T Swift's song "The Way I Loved You"? That's the difference.

Ok I'm done with the heavy stuff. I miss laughing with you and just talking bullshit about stuff. 

Clint has an amazing idea this weekend. He was like what if we both got jobs that worked remotely or at least him. Then we could just travel and live in a new place every 6 months to a year. We could finally do the travel we wanted but we would still be working and supporting ourselves. I actually totally dig the idea. So we spent time on Saturday night doing research and taking about the details to see if it's even feasible for where we're at in life right now. And it's actually really enticing. KC would be our home base of course and we'd come back for a couple months every year just to see family and friends and live American lol 

I researched a couple places in South America that we could try and there's a lot of expats that are doing this. I found so much information! They have whole websites dedicated to the expat lifestyle... It's pretty amazing! 

The biggest thing I'd want to do is work in the community. So I would want to live somewhere semi safe but also not too far away from an area where they really need americanized resources like education and job training. That would be my purpose instead of working so I did a lot of research on non profits as well. I wouldn't want to be associated with any one organization because that would take away my freedom to help the way I want. I don't want to be dictated to. I want to help as I see the need in the community or with a specific person.

I looked into the Dominican Republic. Central location, decent climate, economy is steady but there are still pockets that are very third world and need help. It would be the perfect balance for the lifestyle we're both looking for. Not to mention the history there and the people are so friendly. But... It basically just got demolished by the recent hurricanes so I guess we'll be holding off on that idea for a bit lol 

We also talked about doing a long term European tour. We would spend a month or two in each country, depending on the country and what there is to see and experience there. Take a year or two and just travel throughout the area. The main issue there would be the language barriers but there's ways around that now with all the translation apps you have. 

Obviously all this is just dreaming. We could take action on it but we still needed to figure out what we want to do about kids. We both still have that desire but I've noticed over the last couple months that our urgency has dwindled. For one, all the situations we're getting are at least $35-40k, which is a ridiculous amount of money. We have some put away but we'd really like to lower the cost of possible, so we've decided to not present to any situation over $30k for right now. Clint got a lead about an attorney in KC that works with a community of people who help teenage Moms and has been able to match several adoptive parents that way. It might be a more affordable approach for us so we're going to check that out and see what options are there. 

I feel good about this plan both with the adoption and the traveling. I know I'm in a weird place right now with life and honestly it really has nothing to do with you. I was thinking about it the other day and I realized just how much I am over this day in, day out routine. I'm so stir crazy for something different. At the same time I don't want to jump into anything thinking it will fix that. So I'm willing to take our time figuring things out for our family to see what might be good options for us going forward. It's exciting and scary to think about both but at least it's better than just staying complacent... Which would eventually drive me crazy.

Weighed myself this morning and I'm back down to 151. Yay for losing the 3-5 pounds of bloating and water weight during my period! I always hate that... No wonder girls feel fat right before they start. Anyways, I definitely have lost some weight this last month but I've also not been going to the gym regularly and doing the weight training that I was so I really think it's just a loss of muscle which sucks. I realized last night that even in that month I've lost momentum on my workouts. I'm so glad I'm investing in training with Emily over the next few months though. I've definitely hit a plateau and she'll push me past it and keep me moving forward. 

So tell me about Reggie! Ugh I have so many questions. I mean I can't say I'm shocked. He's probably been thinking about leaving for awhile and I can imagine that with Scott bowing out again he was like nope! Lol They would've thrown more on his plate and he wouldn't have Scott as a barrier between him and Jimmy either. I honestly don't blame him. I wonder if they'll bring Chris back in temporarily or if they'll just have Bhaa step up and fill the gap until they find someone... Goody for you if that's the case. Insert sarcastic face with that saying lol Either way you'll definitely have to keep me updated cuz this is all going to be very interesting over the next couple weeks I think. 

So how are you doing? Have you recovered from Friday? I wish I could've done something for you but I know that's not even remotely possible or realistic that I could've changed anything for you. I can still wish tho. 

So you think the oil is helping at all or is it still too soon to tell? I know it takes time for your body to adjust to anything even if it is more of a natural supplement. I really do hope it works for you. Even if you don't think it is yet, try to give it some time. I know when I was really struggling with circulation/chronic fatigue it took awhile for the vitamin B supplements to work but once they kicked in you could definitely tell a difference. Clint always knew if I wasn't taking it regularly lol apparently I got more moody... Imagine that! 

I really want to know about your decision not to move. Why did you decide to wait? What were the factors at play there? I'm more curious than anything but I'm also really glad you're staying! Although my mind does still jump on this to the what if this ends badly scenario.... Maybe a move would help if that was the case. I'm not thinking like that today though because I told you I would be strong. So I'm staying positive and just talking to you about life and all the things we should've been talking about this weekend... Just catching up like friends do. 

You know that's my favorite part of our relationship... The one I miss the most is our friendship. 

Have I told you that they order lunch for us every Monday Wednesday Friday? It's pretty much amazing! And they always have healthy options and try to cater to different people's restrictions. Today we have barbeque and I can smell it all the way from the break room...I can't even handle it. Maybe I'll eat lunch really today lol

It was Gates... Never had it before. We usually go to KC Joe's, Jack Stack, or Q39... Clint calls it the BBQ Trifecta lol Gates was ok. Their sauce is more vinegar based which I'm not a huge fan of but the meat was good. You know what's funny? I never even liked BBQ before I moved here... Now I can't get enough of it lol

Don't you just miss these random conversations lol I'm such a dork, but I like that I'm doing this. It helps with the silence to pretend like you're listening to me prattle on. 

Ugh...I just really want to help you through this. I wish you'd let me help you. I'm actually really good at listening and helping people through tough shit. I wish I could do that with you. Even if it ended badly for me...I want you to be in a good place. I want to help you get there. I wish you didn't feel like you always had to work through this stuff alone. That we actually can work through things together. But I'm not in the business of changing people unless that's what they want so once again...I respect your choice to work through this on your own. 

I just got off the phone with this adorable older guy. He had to be at least 60 and didn't know where his clipboard was in his computer. He called me sweetie and said I was intelligent because I showed him how to right click and paste. Lol... These are the calls that make everything else worth it.

I'm in a really good mood now... Been in a decent mod all day actually. I really wish I could chat with you and just share my happiness with you like we used to.

I don't know which is worse. Being in a depressed mood and missing you or being in a good mood and missing you. Today would be one of those days where we would flirt incessantly and I'd prolly get you all hot and bothered... Always makes me smile when I do that lol but there will be more days like this in our future. I'm confident of that. I'll just have to bottle it up and spoil you later ;-)

So you know how sometimes I have trouble remembering people's faces? For some reason this afternoon I remember everything about you. You're so very real and I literally got caught up in it for about ten minutes solid while sitting at my desk. Didn't even realize it. I wanted to stay in this dream because it was so real and so you and I felt so close. It was like you were really with me. I know that may be weird but that's how my memories work. That's why I write everything down. It's almost like I have a mental block but when a memory comes through I feel it like I'm reliving it. This one I indulged a little longer than usual...I didn't want to let you go.

I have to let this go for now...I was so lost in you that my eyes teared up. I can't cry at work no matter how overwhelmed I am emotionally. Gotta keep it together, Jenelle. Keep it together.

You know it was exactly a month ago that we were doing this same thing? I remember because we were supposed to meet at the park the day after you told me you were leaving. I had line dancathon that night. I was gonna suggest meeting tonight because I have a couple hours to kill again...Same scenario... But I know you're not ready for that yet. So I'll try to find some way to waste time and be distracted and not think about you.

Good mood gone. Now I just really want to get out of here so I can find some way to distract myself cuz now all I can think about is you. I've checked my phone at least a million times in the last half hour alone.

Longest day ever...

I wish we were in a better place. Clint is doing a beer night with Jeremy at home and I literally could be gone from the time I get off work until late and he wouldn't think twice. One of the girls at work is having a girl's night so I've already planned on going to that but he would have no idea if I didn't. We could sit and talk or shoot hoops or just hang out, go to a movie, be together... Talk this shit out. I know you won't take me up on the offer but it helps me to entertain it at least.

I wish I know what about how we were doing things wasn't good for you and why you keep thinking this is dangerous and what that means to you? You keep using that word but I don't know what it means to you? What are you thinking?

And... I'm officially not writing to you anymore tonight because this is not being strong for you.

Tonight was a lot of fun. I met new ppl and it was a good distraction. I forgot for a little bit. But you still never disappear completely. I always feel like you're there watching me. I like that thought.

I won't go into what I felt on the way home cuz that would be me not strong. Let's just say that distractions only last for so long and I desperately miss you.