You can't offer me a safe place to be free while also pushing me away because it's dangerous. I can't keep living with that paradox.
I must love you. I keep thinking about this and all the sacrifices I'd be making if someone found out and it really just all fades away. All I really want is you in my life in some form. I can't lose you. I could handle losing parts of what we have but not all of it.
I don't know if I'm just so fed up with life that I don't really care if someone discovering this would force me to start over. The only thing I really care about is potentially hurting Clint but there's freedom for him even in that. He could finally start over and find someone who could actually be content with the white picket fence mentality he needs. I don't deserve him anyways.
Obviously I don't really want any of that to happen but if it did I could move forward. Disappear and start over completely. Probably move to Spain or the Dominican Republic... Even though it's kind of destroyed right now. No one who knows me or my past. I can choose to be who I want to be and move forward from there. That actually sounds kinda nice to be honest.
Another part of me thinks that I should just let this fade, let you go, let you forget me and move on like you keep suggesting. I know I'm not good for you but I'm selfish. I make your sickness worse. I stress you out with my overbearing personality. I make you want things that you shouldn't. I should be the bigger person. I should've done that a long time ago instead of luring you back into my life. Now we've slept together and complicated things even more... And it's all my fault. I drew you in when I should've been letting you go.
I've decided to refrain from posting as much to snap chat or Facebook. If a break is what you wanted then I really should be fair to you and myself and not give you any form of communication... Just like you're doing for me. You'll have to deal with just not knowing how I'm doing... Just like I have to every time you suggest this as a fix to our situation. I hope you'll see how futile it is and how much it can drive one crazy not knowing what's going on with the person they love and care about.
I ask questions and dig into you or our relationship and you almost always say... You're over thinking things. Ok... But if that's truly the case then why are we in this situation right now? You feel the need to give me more space to think when I'm already thinking too much in order for me to assess if the danger of our relationship is worth it? I don't get it. This method doesn't work for me.... It only drives me more mad.
Maybe you're realizing just how much you don't love me like you thought. Or how mad you still are at me because of my insensitivity on Friday night. Or how less stressful your life can be without me in it. I'd like to think the things you said to me last time we slept together were true. That I'm only a little annoying and you need me to be a little obsessive because it makes you feel needed. That you really need me in your life and that you love me so much you want to steal me away.
I don't know what you're deciding or revealing to yourself over these past days of silence. Maybe you look at my snap chat and think that I'm doing great and moving on just fine even tho we never said we were over. But reality isn't always trapped in pictures. I don't always put those things out there for all to see. I would tell you right now if you asked me... But you won't. Because you want to figure things out on your own. And I told you I would respect that space. I told you that I would take a break with you... But you're in control. So I sit here and wait for a future I don't know I even have anymore to come back to me.
I miss you. Your laugh. Your smile. The way you hold me and run your fingertips down my neck and across my body. How you fidget with my fingers as we lay together talking cuz you can't sit still. The way your lips feel on mine... So ernest and unwilling to yield. The way your hands search my body, pull me closer, skin touching skin, so I can feel your heart beat with mine. I miss the way you feel inside me. The throbbing and aching of your touch. The look on your eyes begging to be satisfied...Clinging to the moments that we're together. I miss the way you always make me laugh. How when I was having a bad day you'd tell me to be strong. You lack so much sympathy in your responses sometimes but somehow that works for me because I know you just want me to get back up and you believe I can. You're not going to baby me... Because you know I don't really need it. I even miss fighting with you and your stubborn ass. And when we make up how beautiful it is. So much love and affection. I wonder if it will be like that this time... Or if this is the last time we'll ever fight and I'll never get to feel those things again.
I feel so sick to my stomach right now...I have the same feeling I did last time. The feeling that I'm losing you forever and that this time I won't be able to get you back.
Yeah... This sucks. Breaks are not good for me.
The only question I really want you to answer right now is this: has your fire for me burned out?
If yes then cut ties now and I'll deal.
If not then what the hell are we doing depriving ourselves for fear of what may happen. We should be enjoying every chance we get until our time runs out.
Yeah this does nothing for me except reinforce how much I love you and need you in my life. My biggest fear now is that you're leaving me.
Sick to my stomach babe... Can't eat, literally sick to my stomach over this. Again... Breaks are no good for me. They add to my anxiety cuz I don't know what's going on. I can't keep doing this. We're either on or we're not... Figure it out. And as soon as possible please.
Do you know how common the word max is? I mean really? I literally see it everywhere...
Being in your neighborhood all night literally killed me. Sure I was distracted... But I thought of you every second.
I realized on the way home just how empty my life is without you. Sure I have a good job and good friends and family and I'm involved in my church. All these are good things but none of them truly fulfill me. I run from event to event, putting on the mask, playing the game, never really feeling settled. When I'm home it's better because Clint is there, but even here I feel displaced somehow.
I found out tonight that another one of my friends is pregnant... That makes 7 this summer alone, 8 if you count the friend with the miscarriage. I just got so mad tonight when I found out. Like I don't even want to be pregnant but I'm so over trying to have a kid. I try to lead a good life and do the best I can at everything. Nothing is ever good enough. So why am I killing myself, sacrificing things I want... What's the point? What do I get out of it?
I was already feeling distant from you before this break happened... Hence the minor freak out on Thursday night. How the hell did you think a break where I have zero contact with you was going to make this better?
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