This morning I woke up almost an hour earlier than I was supposed to. My mind is still stuck on what transpired Friday night and Saturday morning. I know I made a rash decision that was wrong. It could've been worse but it was still wrong and I deserve the consequences. I know you know that I'm not going to do it again and that I truly am sorry for betraying your trust and causing this mess with Kelsey. The problem is that Kelsey may not forgive or trust me again and like you said...I have both of you to deal with. Part of me would love to just sit and talk with her and tell her face to face how sorry I am and that I know I screwed up but I trust you. I trust that you care enough about what we have to help her see that. I just hope your powers of persuasion work as well on her as they do me.
I know I still need to create space for myself. I know it's the right move for me to let you go on some levels. If something does happen and I lose you I would be devastated. I literally have no other person besides Clint that I talk to like I do with you.
I don't let people in because I always end up hurt in the end. Either they walk away or life happens. People can't handle my storm so I protect them by only giving them bits at a time. The problem with that is that it creates a rather lonely existence for me. And it makes me incredibly possessive of the friendships I do have. That's why you see me freak out more than most. That's why you can't get angry with me like a normal person would without me freaking out and thinking you're going to leave. None of this is an excuse for my behavior. I need to do better.
Today I'm going to teach the kids then go to a family dinner, watch some football, then I may draw a bit. I need to start reinvesting my time into my art hobbies. I've avoided them for awhile because sitting still means quiet and quiet means I think. But I think it's time for me to do that in a healthy way. To start sifting through these emotions that pile on me day in and day out.
I've always had a stubborn personality. I learn things the hard way... Usually making giant mistakes that I carry guilt around with me for days. I wish I didn't need to learn this way. The positive side to this is that usually once I learn the lesson, it doesn't go away.
I've learned a few things this week about you and how I need to act in our relationship.
1. When you say it, you mean it. That goes for anything but especially boundaries and how much you care.
2. You express your love differently. You're not clingy or obsessive. You're laid back and you need to be respected for that. The more I push the farther away you get from me.
3. You sometimes need distance and space. Particularly when dealing with heavy things like emotions and stressful situations. I shouldn't take that personally. It's just you.
4. You love me and you're willing to stick by your promises and not leave BUT I have to respect you and your relationship with Kelsey above everything else. You are hers, not mine. She is your top and most important priority.
It took awhile for some of these things to really click for me. I've always known them but I didn't always understand the full implications. Now I do and I will not forget. Forgetting any of the things above or pushing the limits on them could make you walk away.
I do love you and that will never change but I need to change my heart to loving you as a best friend that I occasionally fuck. This is the level that I need to get to in order to be on a healthy place for everyone involved in this. It's the place I was on Friday and I was happy and good with everything. I need to get to that place consistently.
I know I can get to a healthier place...I just hope Kelsey let's you stay in this long enough for me to prove that.
Sometimes you need to be reminded that the dark places you've been in your life and the choices you wish you could take back all have a purpose.
Those scars help you learn things that you wouldn't have known otherwise. You carry those lessons with you in the hopes that it makes you a better person. One who knows how to love people better because you know what it's like to walk through something so hard that you can't see the light.
Holding on to those promises this morning. That the sun does come back out and valleys serve a purpose.
I had a pretty good day today. I was able to shut this situation out of my brain for a bit and it was good for me. Took a nap, watched the Packers win which was amazing! I ran, finished laundry, and had some time to chill and watch TVD.
I know now that my expectations of our relationship have always been wrong and misplaced. It's ok for me to be your best friend and I'm even fine with the sexual aspect of our relationship. The parts that are not healthy is how much I rely on you for happiness and fulfillment. Even if you wanted to you couldn't do that... The fact that Kelsey is in your life is just an added element to that fact. It's been wrong for me to think you could do this and I'm sorry. I had a void and I immediately found you and thought you could fix it. But that void is still there even with all your promises to me...It's still there because you're never going to be able to fix it. Just like Clint can't fix it as much as he would like to and tries to.
I have to find that fulfillment and happiness within myself again. Somewhere I lost it. I lost the healthy balance to my life and I've tried to fix it with all the wrong things. None of these things have necessarily been bad... But it's my expectations of them that are. That's why I'm having these extreme highs and lows and acting like a crazy person even though I know I'm better than that.
I don't want to lose you and I never want to stop loving you. I don't know where Kelsey is with all this but regardless of what she decides, I have to balance my life and keep my relationship with you healthy. If I lost you right now, I would be devastated and I honestly don't know how I would handle it... And that's not healthy. If Clint died, then I could rightfully be devastated. But with you I have to change how I feel. I mean if I don't have rights to your time or your life then why am I constantly putting myself in the position to be hurt if this goes south. I'm not saying that it won't hurt regardless, because it will. It will totally suck if and when that happens. But I need to get to a healthier place that if it does, I can still move on with my life without falling apart.
Seeing how patient Clint has been with me over the past month has helped with me gaining this new perspective. I really do have so much in him. He texted me this morning while I was teaching and wanted me to know that he loves me just the way I am. He knows how much I'm struggling right now and he wants to be there to walk through it with me. I needed that affirmation so much especially after yesterday. I felt like a complete failure. Like I can't do anything right and there's no purpose to my existence. Clint knows how much I beat myself up and he knew I was doing that yesterday even though he didn't know the full reasons why. He sat and he listened to me. He spoke truth to me about who I really am and that I am special and unique on purpose. He knows there's more to me than the crazy Jenelle I can be when I wig out. And his patience and kindness always gives me hope that I can find the balanced side of myself again.
These are things I looked for in you. But you have a different personality than Clint and you're a truth speaker which I've also needed so many times. You've helped me see areas of my life that were so misconstrued. You're truths hurt because they're truth and I need to see them so I can work on them. Your love has been sharpening for me but it's not always affirming. I feel my insecurities creep in a lot of times when I talk to you about things close to my heart. Maybe if we were in person talking it would be different. We'd have tone and body language to help with the communication. I know you always mean well and that's why I try not to take it personally when you're direct and to the point. You're just trying to help the way you know how to.
Yesterday you beat me up with your words. I know you were just trying to make a point but your words hurt because there was no grace in them. No kindness. No consideration for my feelings. I already was struggling with what I had done. I already felt stupid, ashamed, and guilty. Your words and the fact that you left me with the idea that I was probably going to lose you... Really hurts. The insensitivity of that and the disrespect for who I am have stuck with me. I already knew I would beat myself up over this. You should've known that too. You could've communicated the urgency of the situation without piling on the guilt that I'm still dealing with. But I also know you were in a difficult decision. I'm sure it was tough to be stuck in the middle and have Kelsey be that pissed. I know you were afraid of losing me too... And that urgency took over. I'm not upset. I just wish it would've gone down differently.
All of these reasons are good reasons for me to change my priority on our relationship. You're not my boyfriend/husband. You can't be committed to me no matter how much you may want to and because of that I'm always living in limbo... Which drives me insane. I have to get to a place with us where we're close but I recognize the limitations of what we have.
I have such an amazing and great life. There's no reason I shouldn't be able to be happy with it. I have friends who love me, a husband who adores me for reasons I still can't understand, a job that's fulfilling and pays decent. I may not have all I want and I may be abnormal in some areas but I can be happy. I just need to find balance again. I can have you in my life... But you're right. This has to be less. Because where it's at right now is jeopardizing everything I am and everything I have. It's driving me to be neurotic... And I am not ok with being that person.
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