I originally posted this Thursday night then removed it because I didn't want you to get mad on the off chance that you read it. But...I feel like I should be honest with you about how I was really feeling that night... It might make more sense now.
I'm confused, curious, concerned...kinda hoping you don't read this cuz you'll get mad and say I'm being crazy and paranoid again, but these are my real feelings and I've had them for over a week now, so I honestly don't care what you think about them.
I know you say you want this and you want to be with me. At one point you tried to make an effort to meet up. I could make suggestions and you actually played along to see if it could happen. Now though, my suggestions are always met with a "no" or a "can't".
I don't know what changed.
Is it just that you think we're going to have sex every time we see each other now, so if we meet we have to accommodate for that? If we can't then there's no point? Cuz if that's the case...I have some issues with that. I love getting physical with you, but you're still my best friend and it would be nice to just be able to talk to you in person. You used to want that too. Used to say how much you wanted to be able to date me. I always thought it was my inability to lie that kept that from happening, but now I know the truth....it was all just a line.
I know you're sick, and I know being at home is not just a convenience, it's a necessity. I totally get that. But sometimes I feel like you trap yourself from experiencing life. Going somewhere for an hour or two on a day you feel ok would be so good for you. I know you don't like that I call you a hermit, but let's be real about this. You're afraid of yourself being in the outside world. You can be home for days upon end without leaving and not think twice about it. You even get mad or frustrated when someone interrupts this lifestyle for any reason.
You know last time I came over how you were insisting I leave by a certain time. Nope...demanding that I leave and you didn't care that I made time and provisioned myself to be able to come see you. That honestly hurt so much. Your excuse that you didn't want to have to work late? Bullshit. When do we ever get opportunities like that to see each other, to be together? And the one chance we do, you limit us for reasons that make zero sense to me. I honestly almost walked out right then and there. I probably should have.
I know you have these reasons in your head and you're stubborn and you're not going to do what you don't want to do because that's just who you are....I get that. But think about how it makes me feel that I almost consistently am the one texting first now, or suggesting a meet up, or trying to make something work. I try to flirt like we used to and you get frustrated. I try to be playful and you say it hurts you because you can't. I feel like I'm sacrificing everything for us, and you make only the effort that doesn't get in your way.
For 4 months I could rely on you to be available, to be funny and flirty, to cross lines and make suggestions, to make a legitimate effort in getting what you wanted. But something has changed.
Either you're distracted by other women now...which is probably true. I know how much you talk to Anh now. Your time is split and it's me who gets the shaft. Or maybe you just know I can't resist you anymore. You have nothing to really compete for because I finally gave in. I'm yours and I'm not going back. You don't really have to put in an effort anymore like you used to. You won.
Worst case scenario....your feelings for me have faded or changed. They aren't as strong and demanding as they once were. I get that to an extent. I think the nature of our situation has dictated that we be more realistic and calculated if this is going to be a long term thing. But that doesn't mean the deep desires just leave or that we ignore them.
I know you probably think I'm crazy and maybe I am. But I'm in love with you, and I NEVER get to see you or really talk to you. Our time is always split between other things. I can't remember the last time we had an actual uninterrupted conversation like we used to. Something always gets in the way now. You turn me off now. And I'm supposed to be ok with that.
Maybe I'm overthinking and being overbearing or just plain out being dumb...but these are my feelings. This is why I feel so distant right now. I've felt a shift and it's not that I doubt that you care, but I can tell things are different for you now. I just wish you would be honest with yourself about that too. I know you think I'm dramatic about the texting thing, but that's literally all I have. I have nothing else. No phone calls, no social media interaction, no in person interaction....nothing. Just text. So if that one medium of communication changes, why wouldn't that make me a little concerned?
Throw in this whole moving to Denver thing on top of all this and my mind really goes haywire. I honestly haven't even given myself time to process. I don't really want to until I know for sure what's happening. I know it will suck. But I honestly wonder if it will really change anything. It's not like I'm ever going to see you again anyways with the way things seem to be going, so would it really be a big deal if you moved out of state? Might actually be better for us because I'll have to stop asking and you'll finally have some peace and quiet and have the natural space you think is best for us.
So what if I'm being needy and clingy. So what if it's only been a little over a week since I last saw you. Did someone put a time cap on how often people in a relationship are supposed to see each other? And you keep throwing out this excuse that its dangerous, but there have been so many missed opportunities to even just see each other and say hi. To be real. How is that dangerous? I'm already yours. I'm already over the line. I'm being careful and calculated and watching my back. But I also know my limitations and you need to trust that I do.
To be honest, all I really want is to sit on the couch with you holding me and watch a movie. Or to have an evening we just talk and laugh and mess around. To go for a walk in the park and just enjoy the fact that we're together with no interruptions for once. I want you to surprise me and suggest we meet up somewhere even just for a short time to say hi. I want those moments. Because when you move, those chances are gone. Completely and utterly dissipated.
Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm careless. Maybe I am overbearing. Maybe I'm being insensitive and all this is going to make you mad. Maybe I don't care anymore. Maybe I realize that you're not the romantic you led me to believe you were and that you're really good at the word game but when it comes down to really making sacrifices for this, you're just not into it. Maybe I'm completely off, but how would I really know. You don't really let me into your life, to see how things function. There's always an excuse.
Bottom line...I know you love me. I know you want this. I just don't know that you want this or me as much as you once did. And that scares the hell out of me. Because it all changed so quickly. I lost ground with you so fast. You're gonna get upset with me for this....but this is what real people do. They talk about how they feel. And this is how I feel. I honestly don't care if my feelings are invalidated by you, because they're mine, and that's all the matters right now.
So be mad. Think I'm crazy...because you're right. I am crazy. I'm crazy for wanting to actually be real with the man I love despite the circumstances surrounding us. If that's crazy, then I don't want to be normal."
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