Day Two 9/28 - Distraction

I gave you literally everything I had... Then you decided it was too much for you. That was the first thought I had when I woke up this morning.

Faded came up on Spotify... And I didn't even choose it this morning. Here come the tears sitting in traffic...

You checked snap chat... First thing in the morning. You woke up thinking about me too. That helps knowing you haven't completely shut me out. I know that time will eventually come but at least I have that to hold onto for now.

I think I loved you too much...

How dare you ignite this fire inside me... And then leave me to pick up the ashes.

Today it's all about distraction. I'm going to do my best not to think about this hole in my heart that you left me with.

I think I'm going to try to stop telling Clint as much when I'm hurting. If this continues he'll wonder what happened. I'm going to have to hide this from him a little better. Heal on my own time. Commence pretending mode... Good thing I'm pretty good at that already.

I don't want to forget you. I want to remember every detail forever. But sometimes I wish I had a button to push that would give you momentary amnesia. I wish I could do that to help with the pain until I have time to be alone and mourn you. 

Thank you for being kind and not taking the advice of your mentor and just blocking me. I know I may come off as a little unhinged especially after last weekend. But I appreciate you treating me with respect and recognizing that I'm not crazy and I'll respect your space in this. That honestly meant so much. I know Friday night I was crazy but it's only because I love you so much...I was willing to do anything to keep you. I know that doesn't make sense to most people but it does to me because that's just how I love when I truly let someone in. My only regret with that night is that you never acknowledged that you understood why I did it.

I'm still freezing. I texted Emily yesterday during my panic attack. I'd never had one before and I didn't know what to do. I was in the bathroom and I couldn't breathe. She walked me through it and helped me calm down. She told me that my body may take a couple days to recover and being cold was one of the side effects. My hands are literally shaking right now just thinking about what happened. It really freaked me out and I couldn't control it. 

People at work have been so sweet. They don't know what's going on. I just tell them it's personal but they keep checking. I have a couple friends that have also been checking on me. Jeremy gave me so many hugs last night when we were at the park. Its nice to feel all that love... But I also feel like I don't deserve it. For one thing if they had any idea the real reason I'm hurting they would be approaching this much differently. It wouldn't be as much care as it would be correction for the thoughts that led to this. Second thing...I just don't feel like a good person anymore. Even someone as strong as you couldn't handle the pain of being my friend. These ppl in my life are my friends because they don't see all the real darkness inside. I don't let them. It makes me wonder what would happen to my circle if they really knew.

I'm angry with you today I think. I know it helps but I don't want to be angry with you. 

I'm mad because the last few weeks of you being unhappy I gave you space and respected your wishes every step of the way except once. I'm mad because I worked so hard to do what you asked and not be as involved but nothing ever was good enough for you. I'm mad because even though we were in a relationship you refused to let me work through this with you. I thought I was a part of a team but if there's one thing last weekend showed me, I never really was. It was always you making the rules and me bending to reach them, especially the last couple months. I was fine making those compromises for you... So much so that it drove me crazy that it still wasn't good enough. I worked so hard to be and do what you needed and in the end I still lost. I lost the best friend that promised he was in this for the long haul. Things got a little tough and you bailed. You didn't understand me... You started just shutting me out and getting angry instead of trying to work through it. Say what you want to say but I felt this coming. You were changing and I felt it... You just couldn't admit it to yourself.

And even amidst all this... I'd still take you back in a heartbeat. Because I do think you ran away too soon. I think you got freaked out or "drama"ed out if you would rather that term. But I know you're not coming back. Maybe if it was up to just you but it's not. Kelsey doesn't want me in your life and you've gotten confirmation from someone who doesn't even know me that you need to shut me out of your life. I know you trust that person implicitly but they're view is still one sided. The truth is you were already thinking about leaving. You just needed someone to give you the push.... And I supplied the prime circumstances.

Obviously my opinions on this are one sided as well because I still don't really know what's been going thru your head the last couple weeks. So I could be totally wrong. I guess I'll never know...

I would love to go back to the beginning of August mixed in with a little more sex. That was our perfect month in my opinion. Very little drama aside from me figuring out if I could compromise but now I know the answer so that wouldn't be there. We had so much fun. We were in such a great place. I don't know how it all changed so fast. I thought we were both in the same place but I felt like you kept struggling with where we were... And I could never figure out what it was that you wanted or needed from me. And then I snapped and it was all over. I wish we could go back but I know you would say that's not realistic.

I know this isn't all my fault but I feel like it is. I know you said you made mistakes too but because of everything that happened the last couple weeks I just know it was more me than you and what kills me is that I tried so hard... And that's what truly makes me mad. I gave it everything I had and you still walked away from me. 

I know you would tell me there's no point in analyzing the past but this is just me. I have to analyze because I have to learn how I can do better. I know I made mistakes with us... So many things I would do differently. But I don't get a second chance and I will probably never let someone in like that again. 

I realize now I was in a no win situation. Just like you said... This is a big L. I was never going to be what you needed. I hope you felt loved enough in the fact that I tried and I wanted to be that for you.

And honestly as mad as it makes me I know you wanted it to be different. But you can't change who you are anymore than I can. We fell in love with the wrong people at the wrong time I guess. 

And with that the anger is gone and sadness creeps back in...

There's really nothing left for me to do other than accept that I wasn't good enough for you. You've already decided. It's done. 

I'm gonna let that sink in for a little while...I think feeling less than enough is probably better than just sad at this point. Loss has never been an emotion I can deal with but insufficiency is something I'm very familiar with. I might be able to cope with this emotion better.

Today is a little better. I think sleeping last night helped a lot. Also knowing that I'm not in limbo anymore helps. I know you're gone. I know it's final. No more space. No more breaks I have to wait thru until you decide if you want to stay. There's nothing else I can do. There's slight freedom in this. I'm trying to hold onto that to help carry me through today at least. I don't want to think about what I'll need to hold onto tomorrow. 

I think you're right. I was too obsessive. I just enjoyed you so much. I wanted to share life with you. I tried to do that but the natural barriers we had in our lives made it near impossible. Still I pushed. I'm sorry I did that to you. I recognize now that I just wanted to live a dream. And you're right... It was dangerous. But I finally know what you meant when you kept saying that. It wasn't dangerous because I would lose Clint. It was dangerous cuz I was losing you.

I've lost all desire to have sex. It hurts too much right now cuz that only makes me think of you. Thankfully my husband has the lowest sex drive ever produced in a man so I should be fine waiting a little while. He was trying to be sweet when he held me the other night. But some of the gestures he made with his hands rubbing my back, shoulders, and neck... They all made me think of you and how you held me that one night. I had to tell him to keep his hands still. Thankfully he just does it without thinking. He complies cuz he thinks it's just annoying me or something. He has no idea it's making me more sad.

Haven't listened to much music today... Trying to just get thru the day. I need a day of somewhat level emotions or my co-workers are going to start thinking I'm crazy. They'd be right but I'm trying to keep up the façade as long as possible. 

Tuesday was a good day. I was in a good mental state, focused on proving to you that I understood what needed to change and I could do it. I had no idea you were thinking of leaving me. I would've done things so differently had I known. It was my last day of freedom with you and no one told me. 

I wonder if you read my blog Monday night... If that's what really clinched it for you. Was it too much? I'd hoped that we could talk about it together. I really wanted your opinion. That was another reason I didn't talk much on Tuesday...I didn't want to have another heavy emotional day with you. I guess now I'll never know what you thought or what led to this and you making that final call. 

I tried swinging again today but it made me sick to my stomach. Guess I should try eating more.... But I'm not hungry. 

I think my brain got turned off today... My emotions are numb. I just sit and stare at the water rushing by me and wonder what you're doing.

Probably a good thing I'm numb today. It'll give Clint some peace of mind. And we're going to the Blue's game tonight with Jeremy. I don't want to spoil the fun. I have chats from 2-5 today so that should help keep me distracted long enough to get through the end of the day.

I'm sitting here staring at the water, sitting under my bridge, and all I can think is that you didn't want me anymore. Overnight it seems like I went from this person you were so comfortable with that you "couldn't feel closer" to someone you so easily tossed away.

Nope... Chat is not helping. In fact it's getting worse.

Didn't take me long to get the anger out and go right back to sadness. I was really hoping the anger phase would at least take me through to the weekend. It's a lot easier for me to be angry with you than sad.

And with sadness comes tears. Damn. This really sucks. 

I just picked up my phone to text you that I'm sad. Then I remembered...I can't. 

This is goodbye. No words have ever stung so much. They were so final. So concrete. You're gone. Never to come back to me. 

I really hope this is what you wanted... And that eventually you'll be better. I hope this helps like you think it will. If it doesn't I'm not sure what exactly I'm still doing here fighting to keep pushing forward for you. Even in my healing from this, you're my motivation. You have to get better and be healthier. Get over me. Or all this is for nothing. I never will... But you can. You have it in you. You've always been better at accepting reality than me. I'm the dreamer. 

My dream is that you heal and move on and be happy... And that you forget this pain I've caused you by loving you too much.

I just want to go somewhere far away from here and be alone. Maybe I'll take a trip to the grand canyon or something. Just sit and be away from this life.

You never told me about the Reggie thing or what the plans are for PA. I guess I could text Courtney. I'd rather get your read on everything though. I guess it doesn't really matter. I just hope things stay good or get better for you there.

Gosh I really miss you. Just miss talking to you. Scratch everything else. I miss my friend. This sucks balls... And not in a good way. I hate everything about this and how this went down. At least most of Friday was fun and uneventful. We had one last good day of "us"... That helps a little.

I keep having to remind myself that you're really gone. I've made it through your breaks before but I always knew there was a chance you were coming back. This one is different... You're really done. Gone for good. I don't think reality has hit me on this yet. God I hate to see what happens when it finally does.

And now the pain is back. I can literally feel the hole resurface. Well at least I had a decent morning. I needed it... Didn't get much work done yesterday.

I got dumped for loving too hard and too much...I guess there are worse things to be dumped for...

I know we wanted different things. You loved me but you didn't want another serious relationship. I never intended to push you there... It just kinda happened. So many things I would do differently.

I hope I left you with some good things. I know we are so different but I hope some of my perspectives on things were good for you to consider. I hope I gave you enough love. Enough to last you during those moments of pain and loneliness... Or late at night when you can't sleep. Think of me... Cuz I'm always loving you in that moment.

Driving are the moments I miss you the most. It's quiet except for my music...I can get lost in my emotion. No facade needed. I can finally be real in those few short minutes... Let it all go. Those are the times I fight back tears the most. 

Every fucking song... I'm Reminded of you. I'm doomed...I hate that I'm so musical because of moments like that. So many memories connected to songs. Guess I just won't be able to listen to much music for awhile. 

Going to the Blue's game tonight. I love hockey and I haven't been since college so I'm super pumped. Not to mention it's a welcome distraction. Helps me get the rest of the way through day 2 without you.... Which is definitely needed.

Well it was a pretty good distraction until after the first period. They showed a bunch of promos during the break and one of them was for the Transiberian Orchestra. I've always wanted to go so I asked Clint if we could do that for Christmas this year. Christmas is my favorite time of the year. I get all giddy and all decked out for the holidays every year... Literally not a day of bad mood the whole season. And it suddenly hit me... I'm not gonna be able to share that with you now. I got really sad really quick. I was sitting in the middle of people cheering fighting back tears and suddenly all I wanted to do was to be home. 

My friend Alex invited me to come to Kanzaa on Friday night with her. I hesitated because now that place just reminds me of you. How we used to text and recently the fights we've had. I told her I would go tho. I have to push through it. I love dancing too much for me to stay away from that place. It'll be painful but hopefully I'll be ok. I'll try to fight through it. 

All I could think of during the end of the game was how much of a failure in. How I forced you to this. I ruined this for both of us. That kills me. 

Yeah... I'm not ok with this. Not even close.