My life may be in shambles but at least I still get to help other people be happy. I realized that tonight.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna ask Timothy to dance.
Nope... Didn't do it. BUT I had a really good night. For a few hours I forgot what was broken and was able to just focus on having fun. I REALLY needed that!
I danced with quite a few guys that were beginners and they just were too afraid to ask anyone. They were in our group so I asked them instead and let them get some practice in. I'm not great but I can hold a beat now so hopefully it helped.
I'm really getting to know all the staff there. The dance instructor, the DJ, and the bartenders all know me on a first name basis and I'm getting to know more of the regulars now. It's nice to feel welcome somewhere like that... Like I have a place and it's refreshing to go to. Somewhere I can really be me without issue or feeling judged.
You're an idiot you know that? I was literally willing to give you everything... Everything. Some ppl would kill for the kind of "obsessive" love I had to offer. And you just threw it away so quickly? Fuck you.
I'm not gonna keep making myself feel like I'm not enough just because your standards are too fucking high. I screwed up one time and you threw me to the curb? Seriously? After all the time we spent together and me trying to prove how much I was willing to fight for you... You just gave up?
Your loss...
There's freedom in this today. Freedom that I don't have to try to prove anything. I don't have to guess what version of Max I'm gonna get that day. The last few weeks have been incredibly up and down with you and somehow I got blamed for all of it. Did it ever occur to you that you were the one driving me crazy? That you were the one making this complicated? You couldn't just be happy with what we had. You were constantly discontent and always pushing me to be different... Like it was wrong for me to want to be with you and love you. I don't have to live with that anymore. I can love you now on my own terms... Unashamedly. And that feels good.
There's another part of this that is a positive. Although I have to lie about my grieving, I don't have to lie anymore about you being in my life. I was willing to do that and I did it well. I could live with it. But now I don't have to. You're in my past. We're over. No one ever has to know now.
I may have struggled figuring out what I was willing to compromise but who wouldn't. I'm married. Of course I'm gonna struggle with that. The one thing I never faltered on was that I loved you.
I thought back to some of my past relationships and I realized that I'm not an obsessive person by nature. In fact usually it's the other side that's too clingy and I get tired of it. I realized that I only get obsessive when I really love someone but I'm insecure in how they feel. Even now I know you loved me and you said a lot of nice things but your actions were always pushing me away... Especially lately. No wonder I was freaking out and struggling so much. Oh but wait... Yeah I'm the crazy person for wanting to fight for it and work through it together. Yeah... Ok.
We didn't have to be bad for each other. We could've had it great for a long time but you refused to work with me. You judged where I was. You had no faith in me to change and keep it that way. You made the decision all on your own what was best for both of us... Just like you always did. A relationship without communication is no relationship at all.
I tried communicating and I was constantly told to stop worrying about things, to back off, to give you space. You communicate everything to Kelsey and that's why it works... But you somehow never wanted to extend the same courtesy to me. I guess I just wasn't worth the effort.
Apparently the anger phase has arrived.
I'm ok with that because it's part of processing this. But I hope it doesn't last forever. I don't want to be mad at you or think about the ways you made mistakes against me. We both made mistakes. We both would do things differently if we could start over. But there's no chance of that cuz you are gone, given up on us forever.
I had just started figuring things out. Just started really connecting the pieces on how to make this healthy. You couldn't even give me a week to show you? To process and figure out what I needed to do? You gave me a weekend that was filled with drama because of my choices so I tried to collect myself and show you Tuesday that I could do this and then you ended it. I never stood a chance with you did I?
To be honest... I'm just sad it's over. I don't think it should be. Every relationship has its pros and cons but we could've worked thru it. We were working through it. Then you decided the cons list outweighed anything good we had. One day... That's all it took for you to decide we weren't worth it anymore. That I wasn't worth it.
I'm honestly just incredibly hurt. Incredibly hurt that you decided on your own that our relationship wasn't worth fighting for anymore. That I wasn't worth fighting for.
It always comes down to that you know? No matter how angry I am at you or how sad I am that you're not here anymore. What haunts me the most is that I wasn't enough for you.
I still check my phone a hundred times a day. I don't know why I still have hope. You've made it pretty clear you're done and after analyzing through your actions from the past couple weeks I can see it was a long time coming. But still....I hope.
That hope will probably kill me to be honest. Cuz I'll never be able to fully let you go. I guess this is one of the draw backs of being a dreamer.... You always have hope that there will be a happy ending.
Last night was good for me. It helped me shake some of the emotion at least for a little while. Clint isn't as worried now so that's good. At least I'm able to keep up appearances despite how much this still hurts. I guess I'll just have to keep distracting myself. To fool everyone else you have to be willing to fool yourself a little bit too.
I've got the windows open today. I love this kind of weather. It's peaceful and happy. It helps.
Every day still feels so empty without you.
I'm convinced we were good for each other. It was our circumstances that drove us apart. I lost you and I had no control over the reasons why.
I've decided that anger is a good thing. When I'm angry with you I feel the most empowered to move on. The problem is that it doesn't last long... Mainly cuz I don't want it to. I never could stay mad at you no matter how crazy you made me. I loved you too much to let silly disagreements come between us. I still feel the same way. I refuse to let anger taint my memory of you. I don't care if it makes it harder for me. I refuse to let you go in the wrong way.
And with that the hole is back... Sadness creeps back in.
I wonder what you're doing. How you're doing. Do you check in on me because you actually miss me or because you feel bad about causing me pain? Is there any regret in the decision you made? Or do you feel freedom in the choice you made... Because it's easier to walk away than stay and fight for something. I know... I've done this before.
Do you hate me for not being enough? For giving you so much pain? Or do you just not care at all? Have you already shut it all out? I honestly wouldn't be surprised. You have quite the capacity for suppressing emotion... Especially when it makes logical sense to you. That's what this has been about all along hasn't it? It makes no sense for us to be together. We would've been defying all odds if we would've made it work. But it wasn't practical or logical... It required thinking outside of reality. That was never really your forte... It was mine. At least I got to live in that dream world with you for a little bit. I just wish we could've had one last night together. Then again... It might've just made it harder.
I wish I could say I believe you made the right choice. I wish I could say I think it's better this way. That everything will be fine and we'll both move on and forget. But the fire we lit will never die for me. It may grow dim but it'll never disappear. No... This was not the right choice. You gave up on our fire way too soon.
At the same time I don't know if I would give this a second chance. You're too good at lying to yourself about what you feel. I don't trust you to read your emotions correctly anymore. All this time you spent convincing me that you weren't gonna leave and in one day you realized you had been putting to yourself all along... And I'm the one that got the shaft for that. Call me crazy, unhinged, or whatever you want. I may express my emotions and feel deeply but at least I was always honest with you and myself about where I stood. I never would've left. It didn't take vows or a ring for me to decide that. I was committed to you 100% as much as I could be. In your mind commitment is unrealistic because people grow and change. I remember how much you struggled with that concept before the wedding. But... Commitment wears different faces. It doesn't look the same for everyone. I didn't have to be in traditional circumstances to be committed to loving you the best I could. I just did it.
I feel so hurt and betrayed... Did you ever really love me? How could you say it so often and spend so much time convincing me that you weren't gonna leave just to throw it all away? Was any of it true?
When we were together my life felt so complete... Like I finally had everything I'd ever wanted. Now...I walk around with this hole where you used to be. I guess I just have to get used to this feeling like there's always something missing.
Tonight we're going to a birthday shindig at chicken and pickle... Should be a good distraction. I hope.
I'm here. Present. In the flesh. I'm living life as usual. But I think everyone can tell I'm not really here. They don't know why or where my mind is. They just know the fire has gone out. You lit that flame this summer and everyone saw it. Now you're gone... And the flame with you.
Sometimes I wonder if it was all a lie...I try not to let myself stay on that train of thought for long because I want to trust you. But I still wonder if I was just this big challenge to you and once you hit your goal you no longer wanted to deal with my drama. You were done. I don't want to think these things... But you're not here anymore so there's not really any way for me to fight against it.
Forget all the madness I said today... Just please come back.
I just checked snap chat... It's been almost 12 hours. And still nothing from you...
I had to go to the bathroom to collect myself. I was struggling and I didn't even know. Some guy at the bar asked me why I was sad. I talked to him for a lil bit then he found out I was married and he was confused so he left. Gosh this sucks... Can't even talk to a stranger. He was so concerned... Would've been fine if I didn't have my ring on. He said the sadness didn't look good on me. I didn't even know anyone was watching. I thought I was alone.
You haven't checked snap chat all day... Are you forgetting about me already? It hasn't even been a week. I wish I wouldn't have checked....I fought back tears the whole way home. Jeremy even noticed and asked if I was ok...I lied. Clint tried to have sex with me tonight. I hugged him and said I can't. He doesn't understand why.
I tried really hard tonight hun. I really did. And for a moment I was the life of the party just like everyone assumed I would be. But I couldn't shake you. You're not here anymore. The hole is still there. I don't know what to do.
I miss you so much. I'm laying here on the couch thinking about you. About the conversations we used to have when I got home late. I miss you sweetie...I miss you so much.
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