Standing Nowhere

I'm stuck on something you said yesterday. 

You told me that in most people's opinions my marriage is not in a great place because I'm lying to Clint. That was the first time that I've ever really felt judged by you for choosing to be with you. You never hold up society standards to me but yesterday you did. And it's really bothering me. Not just what you said but the fact that you said it at all. I can't help but wonder if you feel more guilty about what we're doing than I do. If that's part of the reason you're so unsettled in all of this. I haven't really felt guilty until you said that. That made me second guess everything and I honestly don't know how to process it. 

I also realized today just how confused I am. You've given me so many mixed signals lately. You want me close but you also want me to keep my distance and not be obsessive. I can't tell if you really know what you want or need in all of this either. Maybe it's not just me who's struggling to figure out how to deal with the uniqueness of our situation. 

It's raining tonight... Storms always make me think of you now. Think of our relationship and how quickly you've settled into my heart. I think about the times we've spent together and how special each one of those times was.

I don't know what to do. I want you in my life but I don't know if I can keep doing this if you keep trying to push me away every time I have an emotional upset. I was happy and content with where we were.... But apparently you weren't and I don't know what to do with that. 

I don't know what's going to ultimately make me happy. I think I'm at a crossroads in my life where I've given up on the rational, conventional answers. Nothing works for me... At least not long term. I don't even know if this will work for me long term. I don't know that I'll ever be satisfied by anyone or anything and that scares the hell out of me more than any thought I've ever had. 

How can I constantly you through life not feeling like I ever really fit or belong anywhere? How can I keep moving forward not knowing what my place is or what my purpose is? This has absolutely nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with the hole in my heart that never seems to be fulfilled by anything.

Maybe I was wrong to let you into my life but I was starving and you brought me back to life. Now I just don't know what to do next. 

These are the conversations I wish I could have with you... Without you freaking out and going extreme blaming all this on our relationship. That can't airways be your response when I'm dealing with something emotionally heavy. I have a lot going on that doesn't revolve around us. I need you to stop going there... It makes me afraid to share anything with you. Even the fact that that was one of the first things you went to on Friday morning as the cause of my emotional freakout bothered me. I may have exercised my emotions by taking them out on our relationship but that doesn't mean that was the root cause. I really need you to stop saying you're not good for me. Every time I do I lose a little more faith that you're going to stick around. 

I don't know whether to post this or not tonight. I don't know if I want you reading my thoughts yet. I feel like when you do you read too much into them. You forget that I write so I can process through how I feel. It's not the final answer yet. I don't know how I feel about trusting you with my emotions right now. I always seem to say something that worries you or makes you upset. I don't really need you to respond or solve the problem for me. Part of what I loved about you in the beginning is that you just let me talk without judgement. You offered questions and sometimes advice or affirmation but you let me be me. Lately I feel less and less of that. I feel like you judge and then you decide what's best. But I never really get to even have a full conversation with you about it before you decide for yourself what needs to happen. 

I want to work through things together but I know you're not someone who really does that... Especially not like I do. So if we are in a relationship how do we work to move forward on this if you don't really want us to work on this together?

You always suggest a break because you think that will help me figure stuff out. If you haven't noticed....I don't really take a break from you. I still think about you and talk to you as I normally would want to. You just don't get a chance to talk back. You may process by yourself but I've always processed by talking things through with someone. Taking breaks don't actually help me.... If anything it just makes me miss you and want you more than I did before. But if you feel this is necessary then I'll comply. I'll do my best to give you space, to not pressure you, to not make you feel like this is dangerous. 

Like I said before, I don't know all the answers but I know I can't lose you yet. It's not time. At least I don't think so.... But maybe you do. I'm not really sure what you're thinking or feeling or if we're ever going to be the same after this. Maybe this really was the final straw... The argument that made us realize we were living in a dream world and this is never really going to work. I hope that's not the case...I want to fight through it. I just don't know where we stand or where I stand with you. 

Maybe the rain will give me some answers to these questions.... It's all I got right now.