I came home last night, took off my shoes, and laid my head in Clint's lap and cried for a solid hour. He wrapped me in a blanket and held me. He doesn't know why. He just knows I'm sad and that I'm struggling to get through every day. He thinks it's depression but he has no idea it's so much worse... I'm suffering from a broken heart. He held me last night to try to help me sleep but I knew that was pointless. I eventually got up. Saved all your messages into an email then deleted most of them from my phone. I'm running the risk of Clint finding them but I need to see those words you wrote last night. I need to remember you didn't want to do this. That you had to and it's for the best. That's the only thing that will keep me moving through the motions of my day.
This morning I woke up with a pain in my chest... You're gone. I cried before I could even get out of bed and once again Clint held me not knowing the real reasons why. I chose this path, not him, but he's paying for it too.
I sat on the shower floor letting the hot water run over me while I hyperventilated. You're gone. There are no more second chances.
I spent so much time fighting my fears and trying to trust you that you said you wouldn't leave and just when I was finally beginning to believe you... You left.
Now I'm alone. I have no one to talk to. No one to tell about my broken heart. It's just me. It took me well over a year to mourn my relationship with Joe and you've meant ten times more to me than he did. I don't know if I'll ever be the same. Without you in my life I have no direction, no inner voice daily whispering that I'm strong and beautiful. I have nothing but this hole in my chest that I created with my own choices.
Relationships weren't designed to be stagnant. They were meant to grow. Unfortunately the growth of ours was also the death of it.
That's the problem with open relationships. If it's built on friendship and you add sex it will only destroy the both of you. It has to be only sex but what is sex without that connection? It's a catch 22. I'm finally able to admit you were right. I'm not able to handle it. I thought I could. I tried. I'm sorry I failed you.
My eyes fill with tears so randomly. I can't stop it from happening. I have this pain in my side that won't go away. I think the hole in my heart is punching holes in my body.
Standing in the Starbucks line... Fighting back tears.
Perfect... It's raining. I guess you leaving is coupled with the rush in of cooler weather. Seems fitting.
I know you think I'm strong but I don't think you raise how much I pull my strength from others. I can't do that with this. I can't talk to anyone about why I'm sad. How would I ever begin to explain that I fell in love with a man that's not my husband and my heart is breaking because I thought I had finally found my lifetime best friend in him? That I had a sexual relationship that I was ok hiding because I needed it that badly? That my world revolves around him for 5 months and now I don't know how to function knowing I'm never going to see his name pop up on my phone ever again? How I understand why he left but it doesn't make the abandonment any easier?
I have no choice but to bear this alone. No choice.
Besides I can't risk Clint finding out or someone telling him. This is going to be my past... It doesn't have to be his. I don't want him having to deal with anymore of the after shock than he already is. Even in this protective state I feel more loneliness creep in.
I just sit and stare at my screen. I hear the buzzing of voices around me. People figuring things out, working with customers. It all becomes a tunnel of sound that I drown out and drift into my reverie of solitude. I can't listen to music because it will turn my emotion switch back on and I have to keep it off or I won't make it through the day.
The memories flood back in waves. Like the day I was so depressed over Reggie yelling at me and you worked so hard to show me I was loved, to comfort me, and to state that you weren't gonna give up until you saw the smile back in what I was texting you. The time we sat late one night and texted back and forth just in emojis. It was all suggestive of course but it was priceless. The first time we really flirted suggestively simply using exercise as the platform. It was the first time you got me to admit how much you turned me on. The first night we stayed up until 3am taking. I texted you after 1 thinking you'd be asleep and you immediately texted back. I remember you being a little more risque with our conversation and warning me that I get a different version of you later at night and you hoped that was ok. It was one of the best conversations I remember having with you. Humor, sensitivity, and charm... You helped calm my mind that night and I slept better than I had in weeks.
Jared keeps sending me YouTube videos today. I was with some work ppl last night when you broke things off...I left really quickly after that. Didn't want to break down in front of them. He knows I'm really sad this morning so he's trying to cheer me up. It's sweet but unfortunately when he succeeds it makes me think of you and how you used to care enough about my emotions to help distract me from them. How you used to be that invested in making me smile.
I think this has finally pushed me over the edge. I think I'm going numb. My emotions were already so climaxed from the last couple weeks. You leaving has left them shot. I'm numb. Frozen.
I can't catch my breath. I think I'm having a panic attack.
Half an hour later.... I'm breathing good enough to jump on a customer meeting. But I'm worried. If you knew you'd be worried too. I've never had this happen before. It's like I'm being consumed by emotion....I can't process it emotionally or mentally... And my physical body can't take it either. How am I going to survive this? It's not even been 24 hours without you.
You're completely gone.
Disappeared
Erased
Vanished
I have no connection back to you aside from what I've saved.
The void this leaves is suffocating me. I literally am struggling to move from one minute to the next.
Exaggeration and dramatization have no place here.
I'm being incredibly real.
I functioned with you as the center of my universe for 5 months.
You were my sun.
Now all I see is darkness.
Do you remember how you used to use acronyms and make me guess what they meant? I had forgotten until Jared just did the same thing. Tears immediately welled up in my eyes.
Went to the park on my break. Sat on a swing listening to Faded and cried for 40 minutes.
I don't know if I can do this. I know it's for the best but I don't know if I can let you go. I don't know if I can live without you in my life. I'm really stumbling here... And Clint is really worried about me. He said today that he's never seen me like this and he doesn't know what to do.
I think the worst part of this is that I know it's my fault. Because I couldn't control my emotions and I got crazy. I hate that I left you with that perception of me... That I'm some manic depressive person all the time. That it would never get better so you had to let me go because you couldn't handle it anymore. I know I'm a lot to handle but I'm not that person all the time. I hate that you'll always have that image as your last impression of me.
Ten minutes or so of a brief reprieve from the pain... Distractions help. But then it all comes flooding right back. I can't eat. I feel like I'm going to throw up when I do. Not really sure what to do about that.
I think the feeling that lingers the most and causes the most pain is that you said you wouldn't leave and you did... Because I was too much. I was bad for you. I caused you too much pain and drama. You have to force yourself to stop loving me now because of who I am. Because I'm too much.
I lost the one person I could always be real with. Now I have to go back to pretending.
You achieved your goals. You got me to drop my walls. You got me to stop thinking so much and loosen up. You got me to trust you, to fall on you. You got me to be my true self with you. I was free, comfortable, and safe... And then you left.
Ocean Wide by The Afters
It's supposed to be a song that lovers sing after a fight or struggle to signify that they aren't giving up on each other. I can't sing it that way but somehow it still helps. I hear you singing it to me, telling me you know I'm hurting and that when though you can't be here in person for me, you're still rooting for me, pushing me to keep going. You always will want me to keep going, not to give up despite the pain. That's what I hear in this song. You are my inner voice... Always pushing me forward. Helping me find my strength.
They just sent out another email about getting referrals in for open positions. Tears dropped on that one.
Summer Again by The Afters
Grasping for what was... Wishing to go back even for a moment. Every once in awhile I get these glimpses of you. It's like I'm there again with you. It's so real. I can see your eyes looking at me so intently. Your mischievous smile taunting me. Your hands always searching for mine... Playing with my fingers. Your arms pulling me closer... Hearing you whisper in my ear how much you love feeling my skin on yours. Your hands soft on my neck teaching their way down my shoulder and hearing you say how beautiful I am as I close my eyes and smile completely content in your arms. You kiss my forehead firmly... Helping me know how precious I am to you in that moment. You laid your head on my chest when I said my heart was beating so fast because I was nervous about being intimate with you. You knelt down and held me then started kissing me gently, tenderly. The look on your face when you laid me down on the bed and started removing my pants. They were cautious, waiting for a sign that I needed you to stop. I didn't...I needed you to keep going and you did. I'm so thankful I got to share those moments with you.
I want to hear from you yet I almost don't. This hurts so much...I don't want you to see this.
Every time I think about you leaving I get sick to my stomach. You're actually gone.
You said we were a couple. That I was on the list and worth considering. I trusted you. I let my guard down and let you in. You promised you could handle it. That you weren't leaving.
But...I know now. You made promises you were never free to make. You did it because I needed it at the time. You loved me enough to try to keep them but I can't ask you to sacrifice yourself anymore.
I've never felt loss this deep before...I don't know if I'll survive this grieving process. I've never been good at it and this is the worst yet. How am I supposed to move on from you?
I walked tonight... For a long time. Trying to wear myself out so I actually eat and sleep tonight. I can't stop myself from checking my phone. I know you said goodbye for good... But it seems so unreal still. That we're really done. Over. No more... Anything.
I don't think I can write anymore today or think about this. My emotions are exhausted... Which is a good thing because I'm exhausted. I hope you read this some day and know just how much I loved you. How much it hurts me to let you go but I'm doing it because it's what is best for you. I hope you know I never would've given up fighting for you. You are the love that will always be prominent in my mind... Because baby we had it so good for a little while. So good.
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