What an incredibly huge fuck up I am. Like how did I think that was gonna go. That you were actually gonna come out and work thru something at 1am. Your dogs and Kelsey would've been inconvenienced. I'm so incredibly dumb and stupid and I don't know why I acted so crazy. We literally just got done talking about all this the night before and it didn't even take 24 hours for me to screw up and screw up big.
I honestly am not surprised that Kelsey is upset. I would be too if I was in her position. I am not making good choices right now and she probably thinks so little of me. I wouldn't want you around me either. She's probably been thinking this for awhile and this was the proverbial straw that broke it for her.
The whole reason she agreed to this was to let you have your fun and not limit you but it's not supposed to effect her. You know that and I know that and we've both been so careful not to let it effect her. But last night I put that in jeopardy when I came over. It would've effected her. Our relationship can't be what it is. You need to be focused and have your priority on her... Not me. I can't be this possessive because you're right. I'm not your girlfriend. I have no rights on you. I have to respect what you say. This isn't a normal relationship. We have factors and people in our lives to consider. This is why I can't keep pushing boundaries with you. This is why I have to trust you when you say you can't and not take it personally. She is your priority. Not me. I've always known that and respected that but I need to take it to a deeper level now.
And now you have all this mess to deal with... Just because I couldn't keep my shit together.
Yeah... It was the right move for me to leave on Thursday night. And now I'm not going to have a choice and neither are you. I just destroyed everything we had because of one neurotic moment.
Maybe it's better this way. You need me out of your life. I'm definitely not good for you and I can see that now. This is not going to end well.
I need a break... This is not the me I want to be and it has nothing to do with you. You're right. I lean on you too much. I'm attached to you too much. Any little sign that you're leaving and I completely melt down. I'm stronger than that. I'm not one of those girls. I need a break because I need to figure out what's going on with me and why I'm such a fuck up right now. I need to get to a better place before I can even think about my relationships with other people. Clint is always affected... He has no choice but to stay and honestly I hide a lot of my emotional stress from him for this reason. You've seen my crazy side... Now you know why I can't leave him. No one else would be able to put up with me for as long as he has. I'm completely fucked up.
I feel so often like I just need to be done with life because I'm not happy and I just keep hurting people. I wouldn't actually do anything but there are a lot of moments where I pray that God will just take me. This life is so painful and hard and I fuck up so much of it. I don't want to do it anymore.
I had a really honest conversation with Clint this afternoon about the fact that I'm tired of trying at life. I told him about how I think about leaving and starting over and that it has nothing to do with him or anything he's not giving me. I don't know why I'm so unhappy all the time. I feel like I spend every day finding something to fill my time, some sort of distraction. I have good days and bad days but even on my good days one little thing can make me snap. Last night is a prime example of that. Had a great day, great night. You said one thing and I flipped and did something so stupid it could be jeopardizing everything we had.
This isn't normal. I have to be certifiably crazy or something. Who does this? Why can't I just be normal and live a normal life. Why when I have a Saturday free do I just sit and brood. I can't handle the silence of life because I feel too deeply. When I have moments of silence it all floods into my mind.
I told Clint that I want to switch it off. I want to turn off the emotions. I've done it before. I can do it again. But I become a zombie when I do. You have to turn off the good with the bad. You can't leave just one on. Clint asked me to fight against doing it. It hurts him when I do but right now I'm in so much pain and it's hurting everyone I love. I stay away from my closest friends because I don't want this to effect them. I don't share things with you or with Clint about how dark I feel inside because I don't want either of you to worry that I would do something terminally stupid.
I hate how crazy I was last night. I hate that Kelsey knows that. I'm so mad you told her because I'm so embarrassed. I understand why you felt you needed to tell her. You want to be honest with her. I just don't understand why you did when I had already admitted I was an idiot and promised never to do it again.
All I've ever wanted was to be in love with you and feel that love burning deep inside me. I know things can't be that way tho. I can love you but you're not mine... No matter how much freedom Kelsey has given you. You belong to her. I can't be in love with you... That's what causes the crazy. I have to be able to turn it off and not be as effected by you and I can't do that where I'm at right now. If there's any chance of this lasting long term then I need to change how I feel about you.
I have faith that Kelsey will come around. I have to. I have to hope that she's a realistic person and understands that people make mistakes. I've always tried to put her first and consider her. Last night was the first time I didn't. And I realize now how that hurt her. I broke my unspoken promise to her that I would respect your relationship with her and never do anything to jeopardize it. She has every right to ask you to be done with me. I hope she gives me a second chance... But if not I'll understand why and I'll respect her choice. Because you are hers... Not mine.
I also know that you telling me that you probably won't talk to me until Monday was actually a directive not to text you until you text first. I have to prove that I can respect your choices. I broke your and Kelsey's trust and now I have to rebuild it.
I'm not gonna do snap chat or Facebook or text you. I'm going to give myself an actual break. I know you're still there... Or at least I hope Kelsey let's you be. But regardless I have to change how I feel about you and how much I depend on you. This can't be how I function. I have to change and not just for you or Kelsey but for myself. I can love you but it has to be less. You've been right all along about this not being healthy but it wasn't the relationship... It was my feelings for you. My feelings can't be this strong. If things were different and we were both single then it would be fine but we have people we care about to consider in all this. I did what I did last night because I love you too much to let you go. I have to be willing to have fights with you or hear you say things that threaten our relationship without falling apart. I need to love you less.
I am truly sorry that I involved you in my life. I think all the time about how much better off you would've been if I would've cut the relationship off earlier. Saved you from my drama and bullshit. I wish I would've had the courage and selflessness to make that move back in June. It would've saved us both so much heartache.
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