Broken Trust - 10/10

I still wake up thinking about you... And when I do I can't fall back asleep. It's like I'm holding on to the vividness of the memories for as long as I can.

Riot by Rascal Flatts

I know this is for the best especially now that Clint knows but I still really miss having you to bounce ideas off of. I miss your rational advice. You'd have so much insight right now and it sucks that I don't have access to that.

The cold and gloom matches today... It's been 2 weeks since my world came crashing down. Since then my life has been a daily struggle to deal with the emotional toll of my circumstances. I have Clint to shoulder some of that now which helps but it doesn't fix the hole in my heart.

I read through some old texts from about a month back... That hurt a little bit. Reminded of how much you appreciated what I gave you even if it wasn't everything you wanted. You said you wished I could be a part of what you and Kelsey had....I wished that too. I kind of still do. Which is a lot of my problem. I still wish and hope for the future we had dreamed up. To enjoy the chemistry we had for decades... That's what you said you wanted. It wasn't just about the physical... We were connected in every way. And now that bond is broken. You've probably already moved on... Distracted yourself with someone new. I wish I could compartmentalize that easily.

Why is this so easy for you and so hard for me? I know I'm a deep feeler but gosh this is almost unbearable. And you seem to be coping just fine... Based on the tiny amount of information I have which is basically nothing.

Still fighting back tears sitting at my desk... Almost two weeks later. Why is this happening to me? This isn't me. I don't do this. Is it just me feeling this way? I really made a mess of myself by falling for you I think... And I have no idea how to fix it.

In the end I don't blame you for all of this. You had no idea what kind of fire you were playing with. I wish you would've run when I first told you to. I wish you would've believed me when I told you how much of a mess I am. You finally saw the truth in that statement but it was too late for me at that point. I was already gone. 

Well the afternoon went by fast... Better. I had chat which always speeds things up. 

Came home, made dinner, feeling really close to Clint because of how sweet and understanding he's been so I thought I'd talk to him a little about my struggles and see if it was something he was willing to help me with... But it all went south very quickly. He's not willing to compromise... I've known this but as sweet as he's been the past few weeks I thought maybe it had changed his mind. Wrong again. We got into a fight and I'm just over fighting and struggling and trying to get someone to understand what I'm dealing with. It's not that I want another life...I just want a little more from mine. And in the end I'm gonna have to choose between the two... How is that even possible? How can I choose? How can I tell the future? Sure things are great now but what if they aren't in a year. I mean we're really good when we're good but we're also really bad when we're bad. Sometimes it makes more sense to be single... Regardless of the sex involved. 

I don't know... I'm so over thinking about all of this and trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing.

I get excited cuz I think he's finally willing to compromise to meet my needs and then it all comes crashing down. He's my match in every way. We do marriage great together but what if that's not enough for me? What if I wasn't meant for this? I don't want to leave but I can't promise not to hurt him again...I can't tell the future. Why would I stay with someone so rigid in their views and unwilling to compromise for someone they love? Then again... Not everyone is me. So maybe I should cut him some slack. 

I just know I've always had these desires and struggles. This is how God made me. So what am I supposed to do... Suppress them forever? Because of someone's ego? That he thinks he has to be the only one to ever fulfill me? Be more realistic... No one is fulfilled completely by one person their entire life. You're fooling yourself if you think that's possible. 

Then again...I wanted it to be possible. I wanted to be that person that stuck to it... But I'm clearly not. I tried and failed... Twice in a 3 year period. I basically suck at being a wife. What even is the point of me trying at this anymore? I cook, I clean, I do laundry, I keep things scheduled, and I have good sex... That's about all I offer. The rest is just drama and heartache. What am I good for? I should definitely be out on my own where I can make my own decisions and they don't hurt anyone I love anymore. 

I want to be good at this. I don't want to ask him to sacrifice his principles for me. It should be me that's willing to do that... And I am. But the truth is...I don't think I trust myself anymore either.