Two cup coffee day headed my way! I just did not sleep well last night. I had this dream that combined me being a vampire with me searching for you and trying to earn you back... So I felt like I was awake struggling all night. Not very restful. Combine that with the fact that I was actually awake from 5-6 for whatever reason cuz my brain wouldn't shut off and it's gonna make for an interesting morning.
I have chats every Monday and Friday morning which you think would really suck but it works for me. I don't have to think about responding to cases or taking new ones. They just come to me and I have to deal with it. Takes some of the pressure off plus the day goes by faster too. I'm up to 4 chats now which is sometimes really intense but it gives you a feeling of accomplishment at the same time.
I'm so frustrated. I thought I was finally getting over the worst of this last week. I had several days where I felt almost normal...I saw hope but Thursday it all started creeping back in and I feel like I'm suffocating again. I don't understand. I'm working so hard at this. I really am Hun... But I can't control it. It's like my heart is bleeding and it's forcing memories and emotions out regardless of what I do.
Clint keeps telling me to take it one day at a time. He has so much hope...I don't know why. I honestly can't figure out why. Look at my track record... I'm clearly a failure at emotions and relationships. This is never going to get better. And I'm more and more convinced that I need to cut Clint loose. I know he agreed to love me forever and all that jazz but this is too much. No one should have to go through this. He didn't do anything wrong. I just don't feel in love with him and because of that my heart is unsettled... Which causes me to do things that hurt him. At least I know that much is for sure. The rest is still up in the air... Who knows what will happen.
We're going rock climbing again tonight. I'm excited cuz I should do better than last time now that I proved that I could handle the height. If I can't conquer things emotionally in my life, maybe I can at least show myself that I can conquer physical things like this.
I want you to know that I'm trying so hard to move forward...I really am. I'm trying to be strong like you said and I have days and moments that are better than others. But on my bad days... They're really bad. The feelings of that hole creep in and threaten suffocation...I literally feel like I can't breathe. I think a lot of my problem is that my memories, when they come back, are still so vivid. It's the way my mind has always worked which is good for most scenarios but definitely not helping in me healing from you. I still remember every little thing.... And I doubt that will ever change unless I get amnesia or something. My other issue is that my heart knows that what you and I had was real and special... That the love was real but life circumstances kept us from being together. That makes this so difficult.
I guess eventually you could develop feelings of hatred for me and if that helps you heal that's fine but I know you loved me at the time. There were no lies in that... You communicated it very clearly. I know over time things change especially since we're not together. I can't remind you of what we had... We will fade. It's ok if this happens to you. It should happen to me... But I doubt it will. It's just not the way my heart works. Never has been.
Emotions are so debilitating sometimes...I feel like I could legit put in for time off for like emotional health or something. But that wouldn't be good. Even though it's a struggle to function every day, at least I have something pushing me. I can't lose this job.
Clint just asked me how I'm doing. I hate talking about this with him. I know it hurts him to know how much I love you. But he wants me to be honest... It's such a fine line.
I told him the hardest part is that you just left without looking back. I have no closure. Even with Joe we were still around each other so we had time to let feelings fade more slowly. It was a natural separation. And my feelings for you were ten times stronger so this is even worse. This was just jarring to my system. You were there and then you weren't and I'll never see or talk to you again. My brain doesn't know how to process that. I don't know how any human processes that. It's literally like a sudden death... That's the only thing I can relate it to.
I know that's just you and how you deal with things... I'm not trying to make you hurt because of your choices. But you need to know that a lot of the reason this is so hard for me is because you chose to leave the way you did. I hope that's something you can understand. I'm sure you've already thought through that. I mean that method would be hard for anyone but it's especially hard for me and my personality. But... You probably already knew that.
No snap chat all day... It worries me. But I have no right to worry anymore or keep you attached to me in any form. It's not fair for me to put that on you. I'm thankful with anything I get at this point.... Even the smallest point of contact I'm thankful for.
Clint tried talking to me after dinner. I've been really sad today... He was trying to help. I feel like he understands but it's also hard for him to help me with this. I tried telling him how I feel... It helped a little saying some of the things I've been thinking out loud. But then it got weird. I want to be talking to you. I want to tell you how much I love you and miss you.... How much I hate that I don't have any closure and how I feel that the way you left was so hurtful but I still love you through it all.
I have mixed feelings about moving out but mainly I just want to be alone so I can grieve you the way I need to. I don't want to be the buzz kill around Clint anymore and have him deal with me like this all the time.
Closing in on an apartment. If the one downtown doesn't work out I have a few others lined up in the Overland Park area. They're all 6 month leases but we talked about it and decided that was ok. It's still affordable for us on a monthly basis and 6 months might be better anyways. Might work towards moving out over the next couple weeks. I'm glad I spent some time cleaning yesterday. Now Clint will just have to maintain which shouldn't be a problem. Now I have to start thinking of what I'm going to take. Decisions decisions... At least it's something that will be another distraction for me. I should start making a list.
I'm sorry if what I wrote yesterday was too painful. I know you've never wanted to hurt me. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I'm getting over you and things have faded but I can't lie. I told you that you were special to me and you never believed me. I'm sorry if it hurts to see me hurting....I get it if you have to cut me off completely. I don't want you to go... But if it's best for you I get it. I've always wanted what's best for you... Even if that's taking me out of your life.
I tried to have good sex tonight I really did. I even initiated... I'm really trying.
Maybe I should stop writing and posting but I'm afraid the habit will break and then I'll have nothing. You'll really be gone for good. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet...I can't handle any more breaking right now. Please stay... Even just a little bit. I'm literally hanging on by a thread right now. I can't have you completely disappear yet. You're like my guardian angel always watching over me. If you leave I don't know who I'll talk to. I guess I'll just be talking to your ghost.
I know it's painful for you to still be here... But this is just a small glimpse of how painful it is for me to be living this every day. I am the cause of my own demise. I've ruined my life and I'm potentially losing everything. Every day I walk through a fog trying to push my way through just to make it to the end when I can sleep... My only real reprieve from this pain. Missing you, trying to figure out where my life is headed, feeling remorse for the pain I cause to everyone I love.... These are my battles every day, but it gives me courage knowing you're still cheering me on. You're still hoping I get back up. You're still telling me to be strong, that you love me and if you would be with me if you could. I know that... Deep down I do.
No matter how lonely I get I know I'm still in your heart and I'll always have a special place there. Those thoughts are where I live during my dark moments. They bring me comfort. We may be very different in how we heal. You may have already moved on and your patience for my drama dried up...I really don't know. But I'll keep on loving you and living with the knowledge that at one time you loved me this deeply too.
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