I feel like I say this every morning... But I still do really miss you. I woke up thinking about you, about how on Tuesday it'll be a month since you broke up with me. A whole month. Gosh... That's so depressing. A whole month since you decided to walk away and never look back. No communication. Nothing. You could've moved to France and I'd never know. I have nothing to cling to anymore. You're just gone. Disappeared forever from my life. And it still hurts like hell.
Clint is going to be gone all day. He's going to St Louis with some friends to do beer stuff. I'm determined to make this a profitable day and not mope. My house is a mess so I'm gonna open the windows and clean. Then tonight I need to work out a bit, maybe do some art. Hopefully staying busy will keep my mind off of how much of a void you've left in my heart and how even after all this time I can still feel it.
I think a part of me will always be waiting for you.
Faded played while tears rolled down my cheeks...I was folding laundry and it immediately hit me how much I lost when you walked away. This is all still so fresh.
Do you feel any of this? Or is it just me feeling the void?
Clint texted me this while he was sitting in church:
"I want you to know you're not a failure. There's not something wrong with you. You're not crazy, you're not hopeless, and you're not finished. I know there's so much more that your life has to offer for you and those around you. You're stronger than you think and I know this is just a low point of your life. You will come out the other side stronger than you are now. You're an amazing woman and I love you very much!"
I immediately fell apart...I laid on my bed in the fetal position, broken down and crying. How can he still love me after all this? How can he have so much faith in me? How can he keep wanting to give to me emotionally knowing I may never be the same? I may never be able to move past you. I broke myself and all the rules loving you. I had everything I needed until you walked in. You brought things to my life I had been craving for so long... And now you're gone. My life feels empty and hopeless. I don't know what direction to go or how to keep breathing without you. Clint knows all this... Yet he still fights for me and with me. I don't deserve this man.
This morning was pretty rough but I tried fighting through it. Cleaning, doing laundry... Trying to stay productive. It's helping...a little.
I made myself cum this afternoon... It helped a little I think.
Morgan gave me a good idea for housing. She told me to look on craigslist for sublets... Duh. I actually found one downtown, fully furnished and affordable. We'll see what happens.
Sat down to watch the Packers game then promptly fell asleep on the couch... Guess I was tired. They lost anyways. It was a good try tho. I hope they can pull it together but let's be honest they were already struggling this season. Now with Rodgers out it's gonna be even more of a fight to finish the season out strong. But... We'll see what happens!
Notice in trying to have more hope and faith in things... Its not working but whatevs.
It's been hard today not to want to text you just to see how you're doing. To talk like we used to. But...I wouldn't want to push my luck. You had no problem cutting me off and I'm thankful for the little bit of you that I still have in my life. If I push it you'd probably disappear completely...I think that would probably be the end for me. I'd like to believe I'd be strong enough to handle it... But I would prefer not having to find out.
Ran to the store for some things, grabbed dinner... I'm doing ok right now. I've gotten a lot done today so that's helped. I have plans to pamper myself a little tonight. Hoping that helps too but only time will tell.
Sorry for the play by play... I'm just bored and lonely... It's days like this I would've spent talking to you like we used to. Greeted with good morning and finished off with an I love you and sweet dreams. I miss those days more than I can actually express.
I could really use a full body, oiled down, deep tissue massage right now. I feel like every part of my body aches.
I feel so alone hun...I keep pushing ppl away because of what I'm going through. I've had some reach out but it's hard to play catch up. I don't have the energy for it. To explain what's happened to me over the last 6 months. To relive it is painful enough. To risk being judged or given unsolicited advice about everything and having my mind messed with even more. No... This isn't something to bring more people into.... No matter how lonely I am without you.
What I posted this morning is true you know...I don't just miss you. When you left you took a part of me with you. You are missing from me... Missing from who I am. You became a part of me. When you love someone like I loved you, a part of them will always be with you. If they leave they take pieces of who you are with them.
I really hope this apartment downtown works out. It's in the crossroads district so it's close to some good places to chill in the evenings and be alone but not be completely by myself. It's furnished so I don't have to worry about that element. It would be a good place for me to evaluate life.
I feel like I just keep saying the same things over and over again. Same story, different day... Is there ever going to be a day when I don't miss you. Where I don't feel like I've completely fucked up my life. Where I don't feel so completely lost. It all seems so hopeless right now and I'm so tired of being this broken record. You brought so much life and joy to me. I want those feelings back. I'm tired of feeling this way. I can't do it anymore. Fighting and struggling to get through each day without you. Trying to figure out what to do with my life. Every single day is so painful and I'm so exhausted. I want to start over. I want to be done with all this... With everything.
Spent some time tonight wrapping up some loose ends with the preschool ministry. I forgot to tell you I stepped down. I won't be helping anymore. I loved working with the kids but if ppl knew what was going on it might cause issues. I don't want to put the church's reputation at risk just cuz I'm going thru some stuff most ppl wouldn't get. Anyways, I finally got all the responsibilities divided out. I'll help with scheduling volunteers and be an occasional fill in but that's it. Looks like I'm actually tying up a lot of loose ends in my life right now... Not really sure how to feel about that at the moment.
Have you ever just read thru some of the personal ads on Craigslist... Its quite humorous. I was on there checking out apartments and I just got bored so I pursued through them. It brought some great entertainment. There were actually done decent ones in there... Not that I'd ever be dumb enough to do that but it was interesting for sure.
Clint still isn't home and I'm bored. I'm proud of myself tho... Kept myself busy all day. I didn't mope. It was a struggle but I made it through it. At least that's one positive to take away from all this.
I hope everything is going ok with you. Gosh I miss you so much sweetie... Ugh, and the tears come... Yes that quickly. It doesn't really take that much. I have got to find something to distract myself until Clint gets home. What am I gonna do on my own? I feel so trapped. Can't stay, can't leave. Can't function... When is this every going to stop? Why can't I just be normal? Why did you have to leave? Don't you see what happened? I told you I'd fall apart and trust me I wish it hadn't come true but it did. And there's nothing from you... Ever. You just left. Like I was nothing to you. Like everything we had was a lie. How am I supposed to live with that? How am I supposed to move forward throwing all the dreams we had away? Look at my life. Look at me...I know this is all my fault but why aren't you here. You promised that I wouldn't have to be without you. The time I need you most and all I get is silence.... Do you have any idea how much I still hurt? Do you even care? I want to believe you do but if you do... How can you stay away? I don't understand. I just don't get it. Why? Why is this happening to me? Why were you brought to me if I couldn't keep you? I feel like this is the universe's joke on me... Some cruel punishment for some sun I've committed. I thought I found something special in you.... But we're destined to be apart.... And now I'm dying because of it.
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