Today I want you...I want your body. I want your sexual desire for me. I want your relentless thirst for my body. I want your impossible dick inside me. I want to feel you pulse and cum. I want my naked breasts to be teased by your lips. I want it all and I want it hard and sweaty. I want to fuck with you so bad.
I miss how we used to talk. Flirt and share our desires with each other. How quickly we got each other turned on. I would get you to pitch a tent and you got me so wet I could barely stand not running to you at that moment so you could fuck my brains out.
God I miss that so much.... SO much!!
I know I destroyed that part with Kelsey. What sucks is that I was gonna do it. I really just wanted one more time with you to myself to see what we were really capable of then I was gonna do a three-some with you both and I would've been all in on it too for both of you. So many opportunities missed. I guess I'll never know what that would've been like.
I know you said losing the physical side of me didn't matter to you. That you could live without it... But I almost feel like you may have been lying to yourself a little bit. Without the physical all you had was my drama... At which point you decided to leave. I was just trying to get used to the fact that I'd never see you or touch you again and then you pulled the rug out from under me and took it all away.
I didn't go to bed until like 12:30 last night and I woke up at 6 with Clint again. Couldn't get back to sleep because my mind immediately went to you and the moments we had together. Man that chemistry was hot.
I really miss you... All of you. We were so good together.
I realized something this morning. It was Denver. That's the moment I felt a shift in your feelings for me. We had such a great day that Wednesday and we had even talked about how amazing we had it and how things were so good. We weren't a couple in the traditional sense but we cared about each other... We were a priority in each other's lives. Not even 2 days later I freaked you out by being too intense with my hormonal emotions and you took a break from me for a whole week. Did thinking about moving make you realize that you didn't really love me as much as you thought? Or did it freak you out so much to lose me that you subconsciously turned it off so you could deal with life?
I feel like I'm trapped in some horrible nightmare when I think about everything we had and how it just slipped right through my fingertips.
I had time this morning... Since I couldn't sleep anyways. So I used my toy... It was good enough for now. I fucked myself with my dildo and I almost started crying thinking about how amazing it felt to have you inside me. I had no idea I had that kind of longevity and now that I do in ruined... Because I'll never get to experience that again.
I still have the memories tucked away but I don't try to see you in my head right now. It's too painful. Maybe I'll be able to get to the point some day where reliving those intimate moments with you won't hurt so much but right now it just reminds me of everything I've lost.
I don't want to get out of bed and live another day without you in it. I just want to lay here and pretend my life doesn't have this huge hole in it where you used to be.
I don't know which is worse... Being stuck sitting and thinking about losing you all day or thinking about how my life could change with just one phone call from the adoption agency. Put that on top of only about 5 hours of sleep...I am probably not gonna get much done today.
Had to get some Starbucks today for obvious reasons. I've realized something...I really enjoy talking to you. I wish it was different but this is better than nothing. Some day you'll be completely gone forever but to me you'll always be here on these pages, pushing me, loving me, laughing with me. Our relationship may have ended for you but for me you're still a very real presence in my life. My best friend. My confidante. The one I can tell anything and won't be judged for it. Here in this journal you'll remain a part of my life... Because despite what you say I do need you.
My friends last night haven't really seen me in about a month. They know I'm trying to stay fit and they commented on the fact that I lost more weight and how great I look. I wish I could take that as compliment.. they don't know that the reason I can't eat much at a time is because I'm heart broken. I wish I could claim credit for it but I can't. It kinda seems all pointless to me now anyways... Who am I impressing anyhow?
I know I shouldn't think like that. I know I should just do it for me. To be healthy and have more confidence... And I do. But it never hurts to have motivation. You were mine. Now you're gone.
It's been almost a whole week... And I still can't believe it. I just can't get over the fact that you're gone and you're not coming back. It doesn't seem real after everything we've been through... Everything we fought through and overcame to stay together... And you just gave it up. In a single day. It still doesn't add up for me. But then I think about what I know about myself and how hard I am to be in a relationship with... And I get it. I get how your perspective would change so quickly. It's happened to plenty of people in the past... Just like I wrote about last Monday night. This isn't new...I really shouldn't be surprised that you left.
Do you remember laying together at the end of our first night at my house? Me laying on your chest so peaceful and content. The song "A Thousand Years" came on and I sang it to you. I don't usually sing in front of people but I couldn't stop myself. I meant every word. I waited a thousand years for you...I needed you in my life. And when thought I only held you for a moment in time, your memory will always stay with me.
I almost hate when people text me now. If I'm not expecting it...I think it's you. I really don't talk to people that much... So it's weird to see my screen light up and see that it's someone besides you.
I dressed up a little bit today... Somehow that helps mentally prepare for the day in case emotion does overcome me. I look good...I wish I could show you.
I wonder how you're doing still... Mentally, emotionally, physically. That's one of the hardest things about all this... Not knowing you're safe and healthy and happy. I know you're sick on a daily basis so full on healthy just isn't really achievable but I hope that all the new things you're taking and the fact that your constant stress factor is gone is helping you be the best you can be. That's all I ever really wanted for you. I wanted to help you be healthy and happy... Unfortunately being with me did the exact opposite for you over time. There was a point where I was good for you. I try to remember that... That I did do some good things for you and this wasn't all one-sided. That I wasn't completely selfish.
I have a comforting thought that keeps circulating and helps me not feel like a complete failure in all this. I didn't give up. I didn't give up on me. I didn't give up on you. I didn't give up on us... And I never will. It may have drove me to do eccentric things and appear crazy but I was willing to work at us. I wanted us to make it. It's one thing to say you wish you could change it... It's a completely different thing to try to make that change happen. To me you were worth it... And I'll never regret fighting for you.
Every day that passes I lose more hope that you'll change mind. I mean I get it...I really don't have much to bring to the table aside from drama so I don't blame you. I just wish you felt like I was with fighting for too.
You're probably enjoying the freedom of not being in a relationship with me. You check in because you care but your not tempted at all to come back to this mess, are you? I mean if you were you'd already be back right? I have no reason to think otherwise. You're happy to be free of me. I don't say that spitefully... It's more of a sad thought than anything.
I just still don't get it. You communicated your love for me so clearly both in action and what you said but the way you left and how quickly it all feels like it was just a big lie. But how could it be? No one can act that well...I know you felt it to. I know you felt us. You were in this... Committed to making it work long term no matter what and then it just stopped. How does that happen? I'm so confused what happened to you...
I haven't heard anything all morning about the adoption... Not sure how to think or feel about that. She said she would check in with her in the morning but perhaps life got in the way. I'm trying to think realistically like you would tell me to do. We'll hear back either way... There's no need to jump to conclusions.
I miss having you tell me these things. Remind me to stay calm. To just breathe. That everything is going to be ok. Once again I realize that I had way more benefits by having you in my life than you did by having me in yours. I wish that was different.
I'm just in such a state of confusion today. I still don't get it... It just doesn't make sense. It goes against everything you ever told me about yourself and how much you cared about me. It's just not consistent.
Another thought... One I've always had which is another reason I pushed so much for us to see each other in person. Although we did a really good job communicating via text, there are elements of communication you miss when you take out tone of voice, facial inflections, and mannerisms... They communicate so much too. I am one of those people that uses those forms of communication pretty predominantly. It just comes naturally... Something I have to work on when doing support so I don't come across the wrong way. I really think that we were at a disadvantage by not being able to see each other more often and really learn each other that way. It makes it easier to misread someone or jump to conclusions when you don't have that in person foundation. Just my thoughts... I've always had them but I feel even more strongly about them now. I can see how it effected me in all this... Made my crazy come out even more when I was feeling insecure. You may think differently but it doesn't really matter because you're not in this anymore so I guess it's just up to me.
I still almost text you all the time. I think of random things I want to tell you or things I want to discuss... Not heavy things just life things. Things you would enjoy talking about.
So much for not feeling like a complete failure in all this. I mean it's pretty obvious that my emotional freak-outs 2 Friday's in a row is what made you leave. This is all my fault. It doesn't matter what little good I brought to you. My emotions were too much. I'm too complicated and you like things in your life to be simple. Cut and dry. Black and white. Not complex... Like me.
There's that pain again. The pain reminding me that you stopped loving me. That you decided I wasn't good for you. That I wasn't enough to keep fighting for.
This will always haunt me. You will haunt me. I don't think I'm ever going to fully heal. I loved you too much... And you didn't love me enough.
I didn't cry on my break today...I guess that's a good thing. I think I was just too distracted with the adoption thing. Our consultant was texting me and giving me an update. She said they haven't been able to get ahold of the birth mom yet but they're going to keep trying. So...I guess we wait.
Do you remember the day your phone died and you had to go get a new one. It was back when we used to never take a break from talking and you were so concerned I would be worried about you. I was but I knew it wasn't like you so I trusted that you'd get to me as soon as you could... And you did. Cuz you cared about my feelings and respected that I'd want to know what was going on. You were so sweet when you finally texted. "All I could think is Jenelle is going to kill me." Lol...I just laughed. It wasn't that dramatic but I appreciated you thinking of me. Somehow that train of thought got lost on you and I became the girl that demanded your time obsessively instead. You stated using phrases like "You're not my wife. You're not my girlfriend." They took me by surprise...I never asked to be those things. I just was in a relationship with you...A mutual love and respect flowed between us. I thought you knew that communication would be key for our survival... But you kept trying to stop communicating. You'd get so mad at me... And all I was doing was what we always had done. Respect each other's feelings and communicate... When did that become a bad thing? When did that make me too much to handle? You used to say those things were cute and you appreciated them because it made you feel cared for...I guess that wore itself out too. I guess I just wore out my welcome.
But... All of this. This analyzing, over thinking... This is why you left. Isn't it? You just couldn't accept that this is just me. This is how I am. This is what I do. You couldn't let me be me and love me the way I am. It frustrated you so much you had to get out. There were things about your personality that bothered me too but I chose to accept them. I tried to accept them. Because that's what you do when you love someone... But I guess that goes back to the original point. You stopped loving me enough to want to deal with me.
I don't regret loving you but I wish you would've figured out a lot sooner that you couldn't live with my complicated mess. I made so many compromises for you and gave you so much. I don't regret that but it makes this so much harder because that connection was so strong for me. This hole hurts and you created it by not being honest with yourself sooner.
I'm not mad at you for that... It just hurts. Knowing you stopped loving me. Knowing I was rejected. I know you probably lied to yourself that whole time because you wanted to keep your promises to me... Your heart was in the right place.
And cue the random fighting back of tears... Great.
You do realize that you've traded your misery for mine? You're right... This was a lose lose situation... One of us was going to lose. This sucks and it hurts and it's hard but I still love you more... So I'll fall on this sword for you.
I think I hate you for taking all that time to convince me you were always going to be here then leaving me hurting me like this. You really broke me... And I hate that because I really believed you. I trusted you... With everything. I don't want to hate you.
I'm stuck on chat for the next 3 hours and I'm fighting back tears the whole time. I don't think I'm strong enough for this. I don't think I can live with the realization that you're gone... And it's my fault. I'm not loveable... And you were the one person I wanted to be loved by. This is killing me.
Sometimes I get an image clear as day of your face when we were having sex... And it makes me catch my breath every time. Then tears come...
Not a slam against Kelsey but I think I'm finally to the point where I don't give a fuck if she thinks I'm crazy. I loved you and I loved you with everything I had. I don't care if she doesn't get that... Or if you don't get it. I know how I felt. I would've done anything to keep you in my life. Anything... And I proved it.
Yet... If I saw you... I'd still run into your arms.
I'm so fucked up.
I really needed you today... As my friend. But you took it all away from me. You were the one I went to and now you're gone. How the hell am I supposed to adjust to that?
My emotions feel like they're at a peak... Like I'm going to explode and I have no outlet. None. I've tried working through this. I'm trying to process and not be crazy. I'm trying to be as healthy as possible. But the cold hard truth is that I need you... And you left me. At a time when I was already maxed out emotionally you left me with this hole in my heart that only added to my mess... Why? If you ever loved me... How could you leave me like this? It's not just that I don't like the situation... It's destroying me. I told you it would but you never believed me. I told you this would happen. You always underestimated your influence on me. I found you and you were so good for me... And now you're gone.
I told you I wasn't strong enough for this...
Emotional capsize
hands gripping the wheel
tears streaming black mascara down my cheeks
sobs catching in my throat
my breathing rough
thoughts only on you and this brokenness you left me with
This is my life now... To live life lonely, unwanted and unaccepted for who I really am.
I'm sorry... This is exactly why you left because of this shit. Because of my emotions. Because I'm crazy. Because I feel too deeply and you couldn't handle it anymore. I wish I could be different... It's ruined more relationships than I care to count.
I have so much to do tonight for church and the adoption stuff and I'm so exhausted. I can't even move. My body is exhausted and weak. My emotions have taken a toll on me physically. I should try to eat something... Haven't eaten much today. Couldn't even get halfway thru chipotle. I was at 147 this morning...7 pounds in a couple weeks.
Well... I'm officially spent. And you probably hate me and would be even more convinced that you made the right choice after reading this so my work here is done. I officially ruin everything. My life is fucked up.... I'm so done with just everything right now. I can do no more thinking tonight or feeling...I have to shut it off. The sad part is that it's only been one week without you... One week.
What a happy thought to end this on....
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