I wrestled all night in my sleep. I woke up at 1 and saw you still hasn't checked snap chat... All day. Maybe you're sick, maybe you just needed a break, maybe you're fading.... Or maybe you're gone. No matter what the reason my heart broke a little more. I could feel the sobs riding in my chest and I forced them back down. I told myself you'd want me to be strong. You'd want me to sleep. So I did.
Kinda sad again this morning but I'm trying to push through. Got some Starbucks, had a protein shake for breakfast, got slightly dolled up for the second day in a row... For whatever reason that helps.
First phone call this morning was an AV guy at some company tong to figure out why they're getting echo sounds in their meetings. An hour later we narrowed it down to potential router setting or hardwired configuration keeping the bandwidth from getting through. I had a little help on this one obvi but I still figured it out! I was so proud of myself for just jumping in and troubleshooting with him and he was very thankful. That was my win for the day.
I wish I knew what was going on with you. I have this bad feeling that I can't quite put my finger on but I just feel like something is off. I know you've never believed in my feelings of intuition and that's fine but it doesn't stop me from having them. It's just the way I am and always have been.
Well I passed on the apartment downtown. Too many red flags so I'm gonna stick to pursuing something closer to work. Makes more sense anyways.
Clint told me thank you this morning for letting him continue to read my blog and continuing to be raw and open regardless if it may hurt him. He said that he's never seen that side of me this consistently before. This hit me a couple ways. First... I realized just how good I am at hiding emotion from when the people closest to me. Second...it reminded me how special my connection to you was and why is still so hard for me to let you go. I trusted you... Implicitly with my heart and soul.
I went to Target on my break... Got some basic necessities that I'll need in an apartment. Trying to be cheap about it and just make do with the bare minimums. Most of the stuff I can grab from home but I don't want to take too much with me either. For one thing this is short term. For another not many people are gonna know I'm moved out. We don't wanna make it a big thing until we know exactly what we're doing.
Clint surprised me today with something he said. We were talking about how you left and how I had no faith that you'd come back just based on who you are and everything you told me when you left. I told him he was probably cheering for you to completely pull away. He told me that he wasn't really cheering for us one way or another. He actually felt that if I chose to leave he could see you being a good friend for me during that time. That he can see how special you were to me and how you were good for me. You were a good friend and he'd want that for me if I wasn't with him. I'm constantly amazed by his perspective on this whole situation. He really just wants me to be happy... Even if it's not with him.
We also talked about how I'm feeling about staying with him. I told him some days I see the benefits of being single and just letting him go. Other days I see how amazing he is and the life we've built and I don't want to give that up. But ultimately I can't make this decision based on anyone else's expectations, even his. This has to be the best thing for me. If it's not we'll just end up back here again. He really understood that and agreed. He's willing to give me that time.
This afternoon has been better... More level-headed which is nice. I think it actually helps when I have these conversations with Clint. Of course I'm still sad about the possibility of not being with him but there's also a peace that comes from thinking about moving on from him and living my own life. If I knew he was going to be ok without me I honestly think I wouldn't think twice about it. I love him...I want him to be happy. I just don't know if that's with me anymore.
We didn't go rock climbing yesterday. I ended up getting stuck at work for awhile so I was exhausted when I got home and Clint was too. We're going tonight tho.. I hope I do well. I get so freaked out being up that high. My heart races so fast. There were times last time we went where I just froze up on the wall. I literally had to talk out loud to myself to keep going. It's a great mental exercise... It will be good for me to do right now and prove to myself that I can be strong.
Well the afternoon went fast... We were really busy so that helped. Came home and made dinner which was fabulous! I can't take too much credit. It was a Hello Fresh recipe. We're headed to rock climbing now so it would be fun! I hope I don't chicken out.
How Not To by Dan and Shay... Explains me right now in pretty much every line.
Climbing went really well... It was good for me to get out and do that. For some reason it really got me excited about moving out. Not sure how the two correlate aside from the fact that it's something I'll have to do on my own.
I'm stopping by a place tomorrow on my break off of Metcalf and 91st. Great location, great price...I hope it fits. The apartment is available Nov 1st so right on time to get moved in and settled before the holidays. There's a Starbucks literally within walking distance so I'm golden lol they have a couple apartments available. I'm trying to decide if it's worth the extra 40 a month to have a deck during winter...hmmmm
Thank you for checking in more today... It really meant a lot. I know I have no room or right to ask that of you and I certainly don't expect it. I just really appreciate it when you do. It helps a little knowing that you care. Makes me feel less unwanted which helps me be able to stand a little taller and make the hard decisions I need to make right now. I wish with all my heart things were different for us but at this point I'm so happy just seeing your bitmoji face pop up every now and then. I know that sounds dumb lol but it's true.
How are you luv? How are you and Kelsey doing? I've wondered if anything with me hurt you two. I hope that's not the case. I never wanted to come between you... Always wanted her to be first priority. I never wanted to replace her... She's so good for you. Way less drama than me lol anyways I hope everything with you is good.
Well... I'm exhausted and I have a long day tomorrow. Apartment shopping and training with Emily tomorrow night... Gonna get my ass handed to me prolly but oh well. I got beef up... My arms are so skinny. Better than they were but good grief the gangliness. Alright enough of this... Time for bed and hopefully 8 hours of solid sleep. Crossing my fingers.
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