Day Ten - 10/6

I woke up excited today. Today is the day I was looking forward to for almost a month... One we both were. Then I realized not only am I not gonna get to see you today, I'm not even gonna get to talk to you. Today is nothing to be excited about... It's just another day I have to fight through.

You used to tell me that you'd rather have a little of me than none at all. That you were happy with what you got. I wish that we still true. 

I don't know if you're ever coming back or not. All I know is that today you're not here and every day without you means pain for me.

Just got news that the birth mom chose a local family. So... There's that. I mean it makes sense for her if she still wants to be involved so I'm happy she found someone local. It does suck... But I know some day something good will happen for me. 

I just can't anymore. I'm so tired of rejection and not getting anywhere...

I'm drowning without you babe. Drowning.

Had a decent morning on chat. Getting used to multitasking with 3-4 at a time, sometimes more depending on the status and subject of the chats I have. 

I listened to this Spotify playlist called Autumn Acoustics during chat today. I needed something calm but not sad but also stuff I didn't know... It was perfect. I might stick to listening to this more. It kinda numbs my emotions a little bit... Good and a bad thing. 

We had Minsky's pizza for lunch today... So good! I think I've only had it a couple other times but I really liked it. 

Clint's been a little moody the past couple days. He's been fighting getting sick too and he's been super stressed at work. Throw in the fact that he has a neurotic wife to deal with and it doesn't make for a great combo. I feel bad...I cause him so much extra pain and he does such a great job taking care of me. I definitely don't deserve him. 

How are you today? How has work been? Have you been able to adjust ok to not talking to me? You've always been better at that than me. It fits your personality better. 

I love that today is a typical fall day. Windy, kinda chilly, dark, damp... Fits my mood better which somehow helps. It makes me feel less alone when the weather mourns with me.

In case you're wondering this isn't the look of obsession gone wrong. This is what happens when you truly love someone who becomes your person in every way then they leave you. It's the look of kindred spirits being pulled apart... At a loss on how to function without each other. 

I had a 30 minute phone call with a guy who was bitching about how he shouldn't have to have the latest technology to run our program... So that was fun. Good thing we have Bluetooth headphones and a putting green lol I just putted the whole time to keep my blood pressure down. I actually got pretty good towards the end there.

Been a decently busy day today which has helped. I really love my team. I'm starting to feel more like one of them now which is really nice. I still missed working with you tho... It'll be hard to find someone that's that good of a work partner again. 

Are you thinking of me? Are you doing ok? I wish I could talk to you. Check in and see how you're doing. You worry me sometimes with how easily you shut people out. Maybe I'm just not that concrete of a person but I like to have hope that relationships can be repaired. I don't like to burn bridges. I'm not saying that's what you're doing. You'd have to do something pretty horrible to burn this bridge. I know I'm hurting right now and technically it's your fault cuz you left but I forgive you. I know you were just trying to do your best. You didn't mean or want to hurt me. I just want to start again... Clean slate. It can be done... Trust me. I've done it. 

I just got off a 45 minute call with little miss valley girl that argued with me the entire time about how to fix her issue because apparently she knew more than me lol so that was fun! It's been a great day for calls today lemme tell ya!

I keep getting excited that I'm gonna see you tonight and I get really happy and then I remember not only am I not going to see you. I can't even talk to you now. So.... That makes for a fun mood changer. 

Work was slow for the last hour...I sat at my desk and let my mind wander to you. I saw you. Facial expressions, mannerisms, ridiculously expensive T-shirt and shorts, the whole shebang....I got lost in this day dream for quite awhile actually. Reliving moments with you. It didn't make me sad this time... It just left me confused again. Confused because I know what we had was real and I know you felt it too. Yet you're not here with me now.

A month and a half ago I had a whole different perspective on Clint going away for the weekend. Now I'm dreading the time by myself. I'll just think about you, the could have been, wishing you would call or text, hoping some day this changes. I'm gonna try to make the most of it but I'm seeing ice cream and wine in my future.

10 days without speaking a word... I'm impressed. And incredibly sad. It's the longest we've ever gone... And it hurts like a bitch.

I just want you to know I'm practicing a lot of self control right now by not texting you. I miss you so much. Do you miss me at all? Was I really that much of a pain that you were able to decide so quickly to leave and not look back? 

Are we really doing this? Throwing it all away because we hit a rough patch? This isn't like you... You push through stuff like this. Unless you really don't see me as someone worth fighting for in which case I understand. I don't want sympathy. I want your love and friendship.