I am so fried emotionally today...I don't know which way is up or down and I'm so tired of analyzing and thinking through everything. I think I'm still in a state of shock that my life is where it is. I don't really know how to continue processing this. I know I need to take one day at a time. Let time heal my heart. Let time help me figure out if it's even possible for me to be in a marriage and not be pulled away by other men.
I want to be with Clint. I don't want my life to change. The problem is that I don't trust myself to be faithful anymore and if I can't be faithful I'll hurt him... Again. I can't keep doing that. I'd rather cut him loose than continue to put him through this. I know he's strong and he's willing to work through this because he doesn't want me to leave either... Only God knows why. But it just doesn't make sense for me to keep stringing him along if I can't make that promise.
At the same time this is what I was going to do anyhow. I had already decided never to let anyone in again... Because the rejection and pain of you leaving hurts too much. I don't think I could bear it again. Without that relationship or connection there would be no sex for me. So... Problem solved right?
Yeah...I don't believe me either.
The ironic thing about all this is that you left because things were too complicated. Well... I'm glad your life is simpler now. I just managed to complicate the fuck out of pretty much everything in mine.
I just honestly still just miss you so much...I miss what we had and the magic we shared for that short time. I know you're shaking your head right now... Telling me I need to stop dwelling in the past. I need to move forward.... And I know that too. But I can't just erase my feelings for you. Trust me I've tried.
I had a plan... He wasn't supposed to find out. I was so careful with everything. He wasn't supposed to have to carry this. I'm so incredibly frustrated with myself and this whole situation. I feel like I just keep making mistakes and destroying the most important relationships in my life. I fail every time no matter how hard I try. This is one of the biggest reasons I want to leave...I can't keep doing this. I can't keep failing. But what does that mean for me in the long run? I never have any close relationships because I'm afraid to hurt people? Or maybe I'm just brutally honest with the people in my life that I'm not a safe person to be around so enter at your own risk. I don't know. I just feel so incredibly trapped... This isn't much different than how I felt before you left... Now it's just ten times worse because my circumstances have confirmed what I was feeling. That makes this seem even more hopeless.
One shining light in all this... Work is going really well! We just got a new batch of ppl in and I apparently know enough now that I get to be shadowed and help answer questions. I've always loved training and mentoring so it's kinda nice to do that in an unofficial capacity. Makes me feel like I have more of a purpose here.
On top of that I'm learning more technical things now which was the whole reason I wanted this position so all that's been really encouraging. It helps having at least one thing in my life going right. I'm working really hard to keep all my drama separate from work. I learned that lesson the hard way at PA so I'm making friends but not really making friends. I think that's helped a lot too... It's a safe place where no one knows the drama or judges me. I just get to do my job and be good at it. There's your positive for the day.
Went to the park today. It was so nice out. I walked a bit and listened to your playlist. I only cried a little but... So that's progress.
I just had a 45 minute call with the sweetest old lady. I felt like I was talking to my Gma... In just about every way. She was completely computer illiterate but she giggled the whole time. I had to walk her through downloading the program into her computer. I don't think I've ever used more basic language to direct her where to go lol It was hilarious and adorable all at the same time. I wasn't even mad that it took that long.
I'm back up to 94% CSAT! I was at 88% back in August when I first started but that's cuz I didn't have very many tickets... You know how that goes with new ppl starting. You get a couple bad ratings and it pulls the whole average down. I have until the end of October to get it to 95% so hopefully I'll be able to hit it! I've been working really hard to take as many tickets as I can to help with that but we'll see.
Oh... Also, I'm friends with Scott on FB and he wrote this post this weekend about being sick. It was super long but informative. Apparently he has some neurological thing where he gets these headaches that can affect his body like a stroke would. They're super random and he's trying to get it all figured out. That just sounds horrible. I'm so glad he's on leave from work and can focus on his health. I still think that's something you should try to do to see if it helps at all... Even a short leave. But I know there's a fine line for you between work being a helpful distraction or bad because of the stress. It's hard to tell what would work. Do you feel like the oil is helping at all? I hope it did when a little bit. I know it's expensive but it's worth it if you can have more of a normal life. I know it sucks not being able to feel free to go do things without the fear of getting sick randomly.
Talking to that lady legit put me in a good mood. It feels nice... I'll try to relish in it as long as I can.
I'm working out with Emily tonight. I've really enjoyed working with her the past couple weeks. It's been really good for me to push myself physically like that. Totally worth the money I'm putting into it.
I miss talking to you like this...I miss our friendship.
I wish I could talk to you right now. But... You don't want to talk to me. You shut me out. You were done with me. And even if you did want to talk it wouldn't be the same because your feelings for me have changed. Cap all that off with the fact that Clint knows about us now....I guess I just get to keep living in the past.
Clint and I talked about taking a short term break... Just to take a breather so we can both really think through things. We'd stay connected during that time and keep checking in and communicating where we both were at. I think it might be a good idea for me. I need time to work on me and to see what I really want. But I need more time to process before I can really decide if that's something that would be good. It's an idea. Just don't know what kind of idea it would turn out to be.
Am I dumb for even debating this? I mean I have plenty of reasons to stay but I also have very legit reasons for setting Clint loose too. At the same time I don't know that he'd move on like I hope. These are all the things I'd want both of us to think through during a short separation. Clint is willing to do that so it might make sense.
Ugh... So many decisions. I just need my heart to stop hurting for one day... Hell I'd take half a day at this point. Then maybe I can make sense of all this.
Had a pretty intense work out tonight. Definitely pushed myself. It was leg day and they officially feel like jello. Emily was proud of me for not quitting. She said she could tell I was really pushing through. Lol... If she had any idea how much I'm pushing through on pretty much everything in my life. 3rd round of squats with a 50 pound set of weights on my shoulders... Piece of cake compared to all this shit.
Clint and Jeremy are bringing home food. I'm finally getting an appetite back which is a good sign... Altho I'm not hating the benefits of not really being able to eat much for 3 weeks. Trying to build off of that lol I may not have anyone to really impress anymore but that doesn't mean I can't still work it for me. God... That sounds depressing.
How are you? I really wish I knew how you were doing. I still worry about you. I don't know that I'll ever stop doing that... Too much of a habit after all this time. I hope you're doing well luv. I miss you.
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