This has to be my worst nightmare. I let myself fall in love with someone who became my closest friend. The trust I had in him ran deep. So deep I was willing and able to risk everything I have to give him everything. I thought I was living in a fantasy until it all came crashing down. The one that used to dream with me and promised he would always be there decided I wasn't worth fighting for anymore.
He left and with him went my heart and my sanity. I became inconsolable, struggling to fight through each day. I tried to be strong but the emotions overwhelmed me. Just when I thought I could manage to compartmentalize enough to continue my life in a somewhat normal state I was thrown another curve ball.
My husband, the love of my life and the one who I promised never to hurt again, became so concerned about me that he pulled on an old resource. One I didn't know he even knew about. This resource had helped him understand how to help me in the past so he thought it might help him again. He had no idea what he would find in those written words.
Realizing quickly that his wife had not only fallen for another man and given herself to him completely but that she had broken every promise she had ever made to him, he had a decision to make. He took several days to let this new information sink in so he could think clearly. Then that Friday night he confronted her with what he knew. He presented her with 2 options. Stay and be subjected to a marriage that would probably never again have trust. Or leave and live the life she thought she needed apart from him.
This has been my reality this weekend but what you don't see between those lines is the care and love that my husband showed me in all this. As I broke down and sobbed over this new information and how much I've lost in all this he held me. Reading my words helped him move past the betrayal to see that I'm hurting, that my love for you was real, that I never intended to hurt him in all this. We held each other as we talked through what has transpired and what our options are. The amount of calmness that's been shown is miraculous. He truly wants me to be happy but I don't know what that means for me anymore. I'm still in too much pain to be able to make this decision.
It's no way for a man to live really... Constantly wondering who his wife has eyes for and who she may fall for next. Always wondering if he's good enough to keep her interest at home. Struggling to ever be able to trust her with anything ever again.
Because what is a marriage without trust? It's no marriage at all. I rebuilt this once and we could've been happy. But to destroy it a second time... No man no matter how forgiving and patient can keep that from spoiling his mind.
I don't want to leave. I love him and my life here. But I don't know that I'll ever be truly happy within these confines. I don't know if I can keep the same promises I once did. I've been struggling for awhile with a way to release him from all this. From dealing with me. From being subject to a wife who doesn't have the integrity he deserves. I didn't know how to do this without drastic measures but now I see a way.
I want to release him from these bonds. He'll never do it himself because he's too loyal and selfless. But these are the only circumstances where most would widely accept him splitting from me and being able to start over fresh with someone new.
He always treated me like a princess. Like I was royalty and it was his job to make me happy and he did such a phenomenal job trying to. But I am a fickle person. I can't be pleased. I don't even know what I want to know how to figure out how to be really happy and I'm so tired of burdening him with that.
I'll never find another man willing to love me like that. He has been the most faithful, kind, patient man and he deserves a wife who will treat him the way he deserves and won't take advantage of him. To treat him like he's the only man alive.
I can't be selfish anymore. I've hung on for too long as it is destroying what we have in the process. Even if I chose to stay we'd never be the same. Having a family, planning for the future, all those things would be put on hold and may never happen. Is it really fair for me to ask him to do that all to stay with someone who doesn't treat him right and may never be truly happy with him?
I know that love heals all and there's forgiveness that can heal but this isn't the first offense. And I can't promise it will be the last. My desires will always haunt me. This white picket fence mentality has never been my forte. I never saw myself being tied down. It would smother me and hurt my family in the process. No... My wild side always has and always will get the better of me.
My insecurities have always dominated my life for as long as I can remember. He doesn't need to be chained to the ramifications of me not feeling like I can ever be truly loved. That shouldn't be his burden to bear.
It would be so much easier for me to stay financially and emotionally but it would also be the most selfish choice I've ever made.
What kind of life is it to live with someone you can't trust?
You were right all along... In the end I will end up losing both of you in some way. The question still remains as to how much I'll lose.
Because he knows that I'm still hurting, he's giving me time. Time to continue to write as normal, to continue to heal from your leaving. He knows that until I'm able to move on from this, I won't be able to make a wise choice about what direction my life should go.
Even through all this, I still miss you and wish you'd come back. But I know even if you did and you found out about the current circumstances you would just leave again. You'd never want to stand in the way. So please just stay where you're at so that I can continue moving on as I was. I have to be able to level out my emotions so I can think clearly about which direction to take.
For now he and I are taking it one day at a time, promising for the first time in our marriage to be brutally honest with each other. Even though it hurts him to know how I feel about you, he wants to know because he loves me and he wants to understand where I'm at and how to help. He's concerned for me even now because he knows I'm at a climax of emotion. His gentility in dealing with all of this surpasses any normal man's ability. I'm starting to think he's a superhero of some kind. This makes my decision even harder. He sacrifices so much for so little in return.
Right now I need to focus on me. On healing all that is broken inside and getting back to a place of peace and balance. Until I'm able to do that I'll never know what choice to make.
So I keep writing and fighting one day, one step at a time... Slowly moving towards my unknown future.
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