I'm so numb right now... Still working through processing all that's happened. Not even a month ago I was living my fairy tale. I had the love of two men and all my needs and desires were met for once in my life.
Now... My world has been turned upside down. The destruction that lays in front of me I still struggle to fathom.
I can't write like I once did. It all just seems so unreal how I came to this.
I've destroyed everything good in my life all because I was naive enough to believe the lies I told myself... That it was possible.
I can't post on social media right now. I feel like anything I would post would just be a lie. I can't communicate with him right now. The hurt that I still feel from his abandonment has only magnified in light of everything.
We both made choices to create this situation... But I'm the one dealing with the consequences. Not him. His heart may hurt from a broken relationship... But his life remains the same otherwise. Meanwhile mine is turning upside down.
The amounts of sadness I feel today at my current circumstances threaten to swallow me. My life is not what I'd hoped it would be... And I have no one to blame but myself.
I think I'm finally moving to the truth that he didn't love me as much as he claimed. I was a priority at one time but I don't see how he could just leave and cut me out like this knowing the pain I'm in... Unless he's really oblivious to how attached I was to him. Maybe his feelings were sincere at one point... But I can't believe them anymore. I don't know at what point they became a lie but I know now that at this moment he doesn't love me as he claimed. His actions now speak louder than his words.
Oh Max... You have no idea what you've done and the mess you've left me with. My life is in such shambles because I loved you... And you just disappeared without looking back.
Clint has been surprisingly supportive of me struggling through my emotions for you. We both know that if I choose to stay and work through this that I'll eventually need to let you go... But there's a very harsh reality that it will take a long time for me to do that. He's a patient man but I hate what this is doing to him and what it will continue to do over time.
Talking with a friend today who's also going thru a similar situation break up and who is also very similar in personality to me. Trying to help her through this and reminding her of the truths that she needs to focus on was also helpful for me. Despite how I feel, I know your decision to leave wasn't easy. I know you were trying to do what was best for both of us. I just wish it communicated more love than abandonment in how you left. I still struggle so much with whether you loved me or if I was a notch on your belt. I know deep down that's not the case... What we both felt was real. But it's hard to remember in the moments where the loneliness creeps in.
I'd like to think that you're concerned about me not having posted anything for 48 hours but knowing you you're not. You've already shut me out of your life and you're assuming I've gone to drastic measures to do the same. Little do you know that I'm really just struggling with how to tell you what's happened.
I know I shouldn't but I still miss you...
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