I refuse to taint your memory with hurt and anger. If you're really not coming back to me then I will hold onto your memory with the sweetest feelings... No matter how much it hurts.
And today... It hurts. The pain in my chest is back. But in a way I'm ok with that cuz it makes me feel like you're still with me. I don't want to forget you or what we had. If I have to live with pain every day to preserve what we had then I'm willing to endure that.
I'm never letting you go... And you can't tell me any different now. I get to choose how I love you now.
I know you had to do this for you but I just feel so abandoned. I've fought back tears again all morning...I hate this so much. Some may think I'm crazy but this is just how much I loved you. I don't care what people think.
I'm sorry...I wish I could've controlled myself and not fallen for you. Truth is I always felt protective of you even before we were real friends. I have always enjoyed talking with you and being your work partner... Our relationship began a lot longer than we care to admit. And that just makes it even harder to let you go. I've been used to talking to you every day for over a year... This is not going to be easy.
I hope you're really happier without me. It makes this pain a little easier to bear knowing I'm doing what's best for you.
You probably think I'm crazy for not being able to handle this. More proof to Kelsey's point. I mean who does this? Who feels that deeply? Who struggles this much? I do.
A good and a bad thing right... That was one of the last things you said to me about my uniqueness.
This is another lesson I've learned from all of this... To battle things on my own. I think it was the final straw for me. My last ditch effort to see if someone can handle really living life with me and seeing my demons. If anyone could've handled it, it was you. And even you had to tell me goodbye because it hurt you too much. This is very telling for me. I can't change who I am...I can adjust but I can't stop being a deep feeler. It's just me. And me hurts people when they get too close. So I will have close friends and draw strength from them in rotation so I don't wear any one person down with my drama. There will be no more best friends. No more opening my heart. I do this for them... And for me. I don't think I could handle this kind of rejection again.
It's something I've already done for Clint for years. Not because he can't handle it but because he shouldn't have to. There are times when he gets all of it... When I really reach a breaking point. But I only let him see it for so long. As soon as I get enough strength, I pull it all back in. It would destroy him if I didn't protect him like this because I know he'd never leave. I've seen what it does to him when he bears it for long periods of time and it kills me. This is the same reason I have to let you go. I don't want to tear you down anymore.
I must've really done a number on you for you to decide to leave so quickly. I know how strong you are so it must've taken a lot for you to recognize that I'm not good for you. I wish I could've been better... But I am who I am. I'm toxic. You were right to leave me. As hurt as I feel I can't be angry with you. Not angry, just disappointed. Disappointed in the whole situation.
I know you never would've caused me pain on purpose. There were things that just got away from both of us in this situation and if you could've changed it for me and kept you healthy in return then you would have. I wish I had another chance at this with you. But I understand how much you wouldn't want to take that chance with me again. I'm so sorry I caused you pain. I really do wish things were different. I want them to be different so badly.
By break time I've had about all I can handle. I'm about ready to explode.... My emotions are literally at a peak and talking to customers who don't even know how to use their own calendar is not helping.
I know you didn't mean to hurt me and it was never your intention to bail on this but it just hurts so much thinking how much I have to you and that it wasn't enough. I was left.
I miss us.
I sat under my bridge today watching the water, feeling the wind rush around me, and listening to my playlist. Even though I cry these are the moments I feel most at peace... Because I can actually feel you. You're still with me in every moment.
I promised you I wouldn't do anything stupid. I'm sticking to that promise... But you don't know how much I think about what it would be like to be free from the pain of this life, the pain I cause other people... To just be released. I've thought about ways to do it... But I'm too much of a chicken. And I'm trying to keep my promises to you. So I don't entertain these thoughts for long.
You're really gone aren't you? I destroyed us. One of the best things in my life and I destroyed it because of who I am.
My heart sinks deeper and deeper with that realization.
I love how people keep suggesting things to help with my depression and anxiety. It's sweet really... But there's no fix for a broken heart.
Ugh this is literally the WORST. I want to call and talk to you so bad right now! Hun we may have a baby this weekend! I got a call about an hour ago from our consultant that an agency has a baby girl born 9/29 and they specifically thought of us. She's healthy, no drugs, African American, and ready to go now. We're one of 2 families being presented to the birth mom tonight so we literally have a 50/50 chance. I'm nervous, excited... All the things. But what kills me is that you're the first person I wanted to tell and I can't. You've supported me so much through this. It hurts not having you here to share in this moment... I'm literally almost in tears in the bathroom because it makes me so sad I can't share this with you. It's the closest we've ever gotten to a match... This was a moment you would've been so happy for me.
I really wish I could talk to you right now about this. You always did such a great job at calming me down and helping me think non-emotionally... Another way you were good for me.
We're going to the Chiefs game tonight so that should be a good distraction from... Well, everything. I love football games. It might be a tie between that and basketball to be honest. I think I tell more at the basketball games tho cuz I played so I know the rules better. Another thing I wish I could share in with you.
I don't think I can do this. I'm such a mess right now... I'm not ready to become a mom. What if I freak out and hate it? It's not just me and Clint I have to worry about hurting with my emotional madness. And kids aren't strong enough to handle all that. What if I ruin my kid because of who I am? What if some day they decide I'm not enough or too much for them too? I don't know if my heart is ready for this right now. I don't know if I can open it up to someone else... It's still bleeding.
This is the kind of stuff that friends are there for each other for. I thought that's what you wanted... To have a friend that was there for you. I'm still so confused. No matter who you're friends with there's always going to be drama cuz sometimes life sucks and that's what friends are for.
Unfortunately this is another moment where I just feel complete abandonment by you. I wish I didn't... But I do. You were supposed to be here for this. Why didn't you want me anymore babe?
This is so hard. I'm gonna try to think how you'd want me to. What would you tell me? It's exciting but nothing is done yet so don't get your hopes up. Just breathe and hope for the best. I'm holding onto you right now... Pulling from your strength. I think I can actually feel it.
Apparently screaming obscenities at the top of your lungs is a really good stress reliever.
Tonight was so phenomenal... The Chiefs did not disappoint. Honestly the only thing that would've made it better is having you tell me you made a mistake and wanted to try again.
That's always my hope you know? That you'll come back to me and it will be good for both of us when you do. I miss you hun... So much
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