Failed Distraction - 10/14

So last night was a lot of fun! I can honestly say I've never really had a night like that before when I've gone out. 

Alex is the perfect buddy to go out with. She gives me independence but we also look out for each other at the same time... It's so great and we have so much fun together! We got there when everything was pretty dead in the clubs cuz there was a concert going on so we just watched the concert. They were actually pretty good! I'll definitely be checking them out later. 

There was a bachelor party that called us over... Cuz we were literally the only people there lol so we hung out with them for a bit but then they got a little creepy. The groom kept hitting on Alex and his father... The creepy old guy apparently had a thing for me and thought he could talk me into going home with him. I don't even think they have an emoji for my face right now lol needless to say we didn't stay with them very long.

Prolly around 11 we had these couple guys come up to us and start talking. They were actually not creepy or weird so they hung out with us for awhile. The one, Dewaun... Goes by D, was really cool. He was super genuine and really funny.... Had a big personality which I love. I love it when people don't give a shit what other people think and just ate comfortable in their own skin.... That was him. He also was raised in the country so that was kinda cool. Black guy that likes my kinda music, knows how to dance, gives me good conversation, and keeps me laughing all night? I was sold.

We literally just sat and talked for hours. We danced more towards the end of the night and he was a really great dancer. Gotta be honest... It was a really great connection. We fit good together and played off each other really well. We kept going around and talking to different groups of people and just being dumb... It was hilarious. We also talked a lot about life. He actually got me to open up about everything. There's something about talking to a complete stranger about all your shit that's really therapeutic. 

We ended up getting really close towards the end of the night. Dancing turned pretty sensual... Which was of course his goal the whole time but I wasn't complaining. He even kissed my neck a couple times... That's honestly the most dangerous thing anyone can do. Definitely my weak spot. I shouldn't even really put any of this in here cuz Clint will probably read it later but I have nothing to hide anymore. Things were heating up conversationally and physically and then he pulled out a pack of Orbit Peppermint gum.... Yep that's right. I immediately lost it...I didn't cry or anything but I was definitely melting down and he didnt freak out like I thought he would. He talked me through it. He helped me focus and calm down. And after awhile.... In that dark corner of the club he kissed me... And it was really really good. Side note... Do they like pull all of the black men aside and give them kissing lessons or something? Like just wow! 

We danced a little more after that and I'm gonna be honest... It was really hard not to want to go home with him. He definitely had the fire and I felt it. I don't know what kind of game he was playing all night but it worked. So.... That happened. He did get weird at the end of the night tho... Prolly the booze catching up with him. Happens every time. Oh well. I made it home safe and everything's all good.

There's obviously a lot of detail involved in this that I just simply can't write down. Mainly cuz it just doesn't matter... I'll never see him again. It was a really random, great, weird, sensual night with great connection emotionally and physically...and I needed it. 

I recapped my night to Clint... Told him everything but I glossed over some of the juicy details. Trying to be honest in full disclosure but I don't have to hurt him with specifics and how things made me feel. I mean I told him but I just didn't emphasize. I do feel a little guilty... When I go out my goal is to get a little attention and flirt but last night was a full on connection. Nothing major happened but I still feel bad especially with what Clint and I are going through. I need to be more careful. 

Gotta admit tho... There was some really good chemistry there... For a little while I felt that same kind of fire you and I had together. It was only for a moment... But it was enough.

Alex invited me to go riding with her tomorrow afternoon. I'm excited and nervous. I've never done that on my own before so it would be a good test of how much I've learned and how comfortable I am. We'll see how it goes!

Am I dumb? Like legitimate question here. I have an amazing man who loves me and takes care of me. We're best friends and have been for years. Why is it that I can't be happy with that? D asked me a good question last night... He asked what it is that I feel I'm not getting from Clint. What is it that I'm still searching for? Honestly I have everything I need... But there's no fire, no chemistry... That and we both already know the sex aspect is good but not great. But... Are those things just normal to happen for a couple that's been together as long as we have? Does it make sense to throw it all away just to risk never being able to find that again? I don't want to be that person that floats from relationship to relationship the rest of my life just so I get a taste of that fire. I'm willing to sacrifice that to stay with Clint and build a life with him. The only thing that sticks out in my mind is that that's what I've been doing... And it hasn't satisfied. But is that just a perspective issue or something innately wrong with me staying? Ugh.... These questions.

I don't know if I should move out and live on my own. What if I get too crazy and do more things to ruin this? Clint made it pretty clear that being separated doesn't mean it's a hall pass type of situation. At the same time he said he's ok with me going out with other guys... So I'm not really sure where the lines are for him on this. We're definitely gonna have to be really honest and clear about expectations before we do this. Separating with the goal of getting back together is not divorce with freedom. I don't want to do anything in self-discovery to make this worse. I'll have to do some more thinking on this one. Again...I really wish I had your opinion on this. I'm sure you would have plenty of thoughts to share on this whole thing... Including what happened last night.

Just had a conversation with Clint about the moving out thing. We discussed some tentative boundaries and objectives... But I'm just still so overwhelmed with even deciding whether to separate or not. You think I overanalyze things... You should meet my husband. He's the king. I think I'm more overwhelmed now after talking with him because he just asks so many questions and wants to know so much detail and go through so many scenarios. This decision is so huge. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders right now. If I decide that living the single life is better for me it will effect everyone in our lives. I have to have time to think through this and really figure out what's best for me. I don't know if separating is going to help or not...

What if I do something to make this worse? What if I can't figure things out? What if it's just a waste of time and it fixes nothing? I could consciously make the choice to just live my life as is and forget about all this...I could do that. But what happens when I crack again? Clint gets hurt and this time I have no choice but to leave. I proved last night that it doesn't really take that much for me to get physical with someone... As long as there's a good enough connection. And that honestly really scares me. 

My life right now... Is so... Messy, complicated... This sucks. It's so heavy and frustrating. I don't want to do this. I want to be over making big decisions and dealing with all this. I'm done being emotional and trying to figure things out. I want to go back to my dull, boring life just waiting for the adoption to work out. 

And maybe that is exactly why I need to live by myself for a little while. I need to focus on me being happy again... Happy in ways that won't hurt my marriage should I choose to stay in it.

Ugh... I'm done writing tonight. Can't do anymore thinking... Could really use another good distraction right about now. Last night... Was a really good distraction. Maybe a little over the line but definitely a good distraction. 

My legs still really hurt btw...I think I may have actually pushed myself a little too hard on Wed. No pain no gain I guess. I think I need to start buying new pants... All of mine are too big but that's what you get when you lose 25 pounds in a year. Now I'm just blabbing...I just miss talking with you and actually having a conversation. That would be really nice right now. But... Again not gonna happen. So I guess I'll distract myself with TV shows until my brain decides it's time to sleep... That should work. Hopefully.