Lazy Day - 10/21

OMG...I got to dance with Timothy last night! Ahhhhhhhhhh!! It was just so amazing and I'm pretty sure I was acting like a Jr high girl afterwords lol highlight of the night for sure. I don't even know what happened. He was there wed and I chatted with him just a lil bit then last night I saw him and I said hi and gave him a hug and we chatted some more then later in the night I must've got this surge of bravery... Also known as liquor courage lol. So I walked up to him and just started chatting about dancing and ask the things then he asked me to dance. He... Asked me!! And it was so fun! Omg... He's such a great dancer and so sweet! We had a lot of fun! 

Oh also... My stomach was doing weird things last night so I couldn't eat a lot for dinner. I didn't really drink a lot either but I got drunk cuz my stomach was empty. Thankfully Morgan was there so she took me to her place and then took me to my car this morning. I wasn't hammered but def drunk. I hate that. I get so clumsy and weird...I do not like being drunk. I easily had twice as much to drink last Friday night and still was just tipsy. Dumb stomach.

I did have a lot of fun last night tho. I'm doing pretty good at two step. I have some regulars that ask me to dance now... And they're really good. It's so fun!

I don't know what happened last night but I have a horrible hangover today. The more I think about it I really don't know how I got drunk last night. I had 4 drinks... Which is my normal and then sipped on some others but I also drank a ton of water. I mean I didn't eat a lot for dinner cuz my stomach was being all weird but still...I feel like I sucked down 4 long islands in a half hour last night. Ugh

Just a lazy day watching TVD. Are some pizza for lunch and pasta for dinner... Drank lots of water. It's helped. I just still feel so weird and it's kinda weirding me out.

Clint and I had sex tonight. It's been awhile so it should've been hot and spicy but I just could not get into it. This seems to happen more often than not. I'm beginning to realize how much we lack chemistry and how much we've lacked that for awhile now. It made me really depressed tonight. I want to have chemistry for him. But I just don't.

We were watching a TV show and the couple had a baby...I almost cried. Why does Hollywood make things look so easy? None of this is easy.

I'm so sad. Why does life have to be this hard? I don't want to do this. I don't want to leave or stay a new life. I want my life to keep going the way it was. I want to be married. I want to have a baby. Clint is such an amazing man. He's so supportive and we fit together so well. 

But what if that's not the right path for me. I mean just look at the whole chemistry thing. What if it just keeps getting worse? Is this just what my life is going to be like? Always deprived of a healthy sex life with someone I'm sexually compatible with or attracted to? 

But then am I stupid to throw all this away just because of sex and attraction?

Do you see what the dilemma is? It's my brain... That's my problem. Overanalyzing... But if there's anything I should analyze it should be this. 

I think I really do need some time to myself to think through all this... Mostly just to figure out what it is that I really want. That's the true question. I figure that out then I'm golden. 

Could really use you as a sounding board right now in all of this... Just saying. You know me better than almost anyone especially in these areas...I really wish I had you to talk to still. I really miss my friend that always helped me sort through decisions. I don't really have anyone like you in my life... Someone with your perspective and honesty. I really valued that in you hun...I miss it.