Today is a hard day... And I already knew it would be. Maybe that's why I'm just now starting to write at 2. You may think this is dumb but it's how my memory works. Tonight I get my hair cut which triggers a lot of memories for me. Not the least of which is the fact that it's been exactly 6 weeks since I've seen you. 6 weeks since I was able to hold you, see your face, feel your fire, and melt beneath your kiss. It was the last time I heard you say, "I love you too much." It's a hard day when you have all those memories flashing through your brain like a roladex of triggers begging you to be depressed and sad.
So... In preparation of today I've really kind of shut off my emotions. I'm not listening to music that reminds me of you. I'm not reading old texts or looking at your picture in my phone. I'm not reliving anything. I'm working and focusing on just that for today. Thankfully that hasn't been difficult to do. It's been a busy day which I much rather prefer on days like these.
Clint is also really stressed right now at work so that gives me another good distraction. Supporting him any way I can is also a great distraction.
Melony, basically my big sister and one of the few ppl who know about this whole situation, sent me some really encouraging words last night. She's so good about lifting me up emotionally even though I don't deserve it. I don't know how I got so lucky to gain her as a friend. Anyways she sent me this podcast that was basically a marriage counseling session with this couple that was raised basically the same way as Clint and I. They love being married but have never been sexually compatible so they're seeking help as a last ditch effort to save their marriage. I listened to it this morning while I got ready... Pretty typical for me to do that. I can't really describe all the emotions that went thru me. I was almost in tears several times. I felt like it was me talking. Like it was me saying how she feels like she's too much to handle and her desires are unnatural. Everything she said and a lot of why she said it reflected my feelings.
I wish I could send it to you so you could understand better how my background contributes so much to my issues. But it doesn't matter cuz we're not in a relationship anymore and even if we were you wouldn't want to be that emotionally involved. Regardless I think you would enjoy the psychology behind it.
I sent the link to Clint to listen to. Hopefully it will help us talk through some things together. I'm beginning to realize there are some very innate lies buried deep within myself that have got me to where I am today. I'm even more convinced now after listening to that episode as to how much I need counseling to be able to move forward. I'm so broken.
I know you don't do the whole religious thing and that's fine but it brings me peace when I'm praying and reading spiritual things regularly. It always has... Gives me wisdom and guides my choices. I've fallen out of habit which I know is some of the reason I feel so out of place. I want to get back into that habit slowly so I read a little today. It was good... Gave me some insight. Reminded me that I made choices that led to the current circumstances in my life. The Bible warns against the choices I've made... And I've experienced why. I don't regret making those choices but now I have to live with the consequences of those choices gone wrong. It doesn't provide answers yet but even just having that acceptance of where things are at is helpful.
I think realizing yesterday that we hadn't been on the same page emotionally for awhile before you left really helped me. At one point we were... But something changed for you. I don't know what or why you decided you didn't want to be that close but it doesn't really matter. The point is that you were on a different page than me.... And I didn't know it. I was acting a certain way because I assumed you were still where I was at but you weren't. You loved me... But it was different. I don't know why this information helps me to move on but it does. It still hurts that you chose to change your emotions and reject loving me like we had dreamed and talked about but I can't make you change how you feel. Forcing someone to love you at a certain level isn't fulfilling. If you weren't at my level then it just is what it is... And I need to accept that. I don't understand it or why it changed. But it did... And you made that choice for you. Because I love you the way I do, I ultimately want what's best for you. If loving me isn't good for you... Then I need to be ok with that. No matter how much it hurts me in the process.
I still don't know why... But it's ok. It's not your fault you didn't feel what I did. It's not your fault you had to be honest and break your promises. It's not your fault that my life is what it is right now. These were my choices. I don't regret loving you like I did. I don't regret feeling you so close. In your words... They were some of the best moments of my life. The results of what we had are mine to deal with. It's time I got to it.
Got my hair cut tonight, went to the liquor store and restocked...I was completely out of everything I like, got me some Pie Five, which is amazing btw if you haven't tried it. Then I went home and just chilled and watched Friends with Clint.
I hadn't really talked to him a lot today so I wanted to share some of my emotional revelations from the day with him. But I think it was too heavy... He had a really bad day. I should've saved it for another time. I could literally see the life drain from him because he was so tired and he was trying to take in everything I said. It was too much for him after today...I should've known better. But we aren't gonna see each other hardly at all this week so I felt like I needed to... Ugh. He said it was fine but I still feel bad. He was exhausted and I made it worse.
I did tell him I think I'm almost decided on what I want to do about moving out. I'm leaning more towards doing it, mainly because I feel like if he's going to force me to make a decision then I really owe it to both of us to figure myself out first. In figuring myself out I'll have a better idea if I can make that committment to him again and actually stick to it or if it's not something my heart is really into and I need to let him go. No one doubts that I love him and that I love the life we have together but something is missing from this. I need to figure out if it's me or us.
So I don't know when but at some point I'm going to move out and I'm going to really be on my own for awhile. I don't have any end goal in mind other than figuring out how to be happy with life again and to really find that confidence that I once had. Somewhere I lost it...I need to get that back. I'm not just fighting for my marriage. I'm fighting for me.
I've never been the type to waste life and I'm not about to start now. I may be in a rut and I may be broken right now but I want to get back up. I know I'll always miss you and wish things had turned out differently but I can't keep hoping you'll change your mind. You didn't love me like that... And that's not your fault. It's mine for thinking we had something that could've lasted for decades. For believing such an impossible situation stood a chance. I should've known better. My dreams never have a happy ending... I'm the opposite of Cinderella lol but this is still my life and my story isn't over yet. You just don't get to be a part of it anymore... And that was your choice not mine. I can't fix that now.
So every day I'll still think of you and I'll have days that I miss you more than others but I can't keep being the girl who cries over the boy who left. I can't keep feeling worthless because you didn't see the potential we had, the potential I had. You chose to walk away... But I don't have to keep punishing myself for that. I'm not mad or spiteful when I say these things. I'm just determined because it's the truth. I'm not responsible for your actions and choices. I made mistakes but that doesn't mean I wasn't good enough for you to keep fighting for. I can't keep beating myself up for that. I gave it everything I had. I tried to keep you... But you didn't want me anymore. So... It's time for me to learn how to live my life without you as a primary part of it. I'll never lose you completely...I love you too much to do that. But you're not coming back and I have to be ok with that. I have to be able to live again.
Even saying all these words makes me sad because I feel like I'm losing you all over again. I know there will be days that I still cry. Days I remember the dreams we used to make together and wonder why you gave up on them. There will be days in angry with you for not trying harder. And other days where I feel guilty for all the pain I put you through. This is the path I've chosen. This is the road ahead of me. For the first time in over a month I want to take one step at a time. I'm scared to death because I don't know what my future holds. I've already lost my best friend and I may still lose my husband too... But I can't lose me. I can never lose me.
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