Slept pretty good last night... Until about 3:30. I woke up and I just could not go back to sleep. I was thinking about you, about Clint, about moving out... It's all so overwhelming. But this is the right decision. I'm kinda sad to leave even for a little while. I've never been on my own before... Not sure what I'm gonna do with myself. I have a feeling my introverted self is really gonna come out over the next six months... This could be a good and bad thing.
Today has been more normal. I enjoy days like these my emotions burn out and I can actually concentrate and feel more level. I think focusing on all the life changes ahead helps. It's a good distraction to have practical things to organize and keep me busy. I made a list of things I need to move into the apartment. I got a couple other quotes back and I'm really thinking this one I'm looking at today should work best.
Work has been busy... Tickets, chats, and phones coming in like crazy! But that's also a good thing... Helps me stay focused and distracted and it helps me shine as a valuable member of the team. At least I hope that's what it's doing. I've learned that if my manager doesn't really come talk to you aside from just making small talk then you're on track. So...I think I'm doing well.
Ugh...I got really depressed after looking at the apartments. I know this is needed... But the reality just set in and this all just really sucks. I've never lived on my own before. I'm perfectly capable of doing it but that's not the point. It's so scary... What am I gonna do by myself? I don't really want to be alone. But that's all the more reason I need to push myself to do this. Even if it sucks I have to do it. As long as I stay home living with Clint I'm gonna keep going back and forth. I'll never make a real decision about anything. I have to be brave and step out on a limb. If this is the wrong choice well it's wrong but I have to try.
Also the apartments I looked at just weren't as nice as I was hoping. They were clean but not as many amenities and the buildings were older. I could make it work if I can't find anything else. It's a good location and I quiet neighborhood so...I just have to keep inmind that you make it your own when you move in.
Clint reminded me that we have no timeline on this... No rush. We wanted to get me moved before the holidays but if I'm not finding anything I'm comfortable with then we can wait. I sent out a couple more emails this afternoon on some apartments more in the Shawnee area. The buildings are a bit newer and they come with a bit more for the same price. So... I'm just gonna see what responses I get back over the next few days and we'll go from there!
Trying to keep my chin up. This is tough but necessary. I have to be brave. I can't let my fears shake me from doing what I know I need to do. I've loved my life but something is innately wrong with it. I need a break from what I've known to find out what's going on so I can figure out how to move forward. I don't have to rush this. I'm only 31... Kids will wait, marriage and relationships will wait...I have to figure me out and this is a big element of that.
Today seems to be going by so fast! I like it! I'm freaking out a bit about working out tonight. I just feel like I'm gonna suck and I think we're doing arms today which means that I'm 99.9% guaranteed not to be able to have use of them for the next 3 days lol
We had this guy call in just now wanting to know why he couldn't get any video in his conference room... Well you see, you dialed into the meeting with your phone so.... Lol I laughed so hard. I'm glad I wasn't on the call.
Emily made me do less reps but higher weight tonight... Ugh it sucked but I have to build muscle so gotta push it.
I got chipotle tonight... Meant to eat half tonight and save the rest for tomorrow... Yeah that did NOT happen. Lol...I have a weakness... It's Mexican food.
We're watching this movie called I Love You Man... It's older but hilarious. Paul Rudd and Jason Stiegel... Great combo lol Rudd's character is SO awkward its stupid. Lol this movie is so dumb haha
Oh my God... I'm so full!! Why did I eat the whole thing?!
I think I'm gonna swing by another place tomorrow and check it out... See what they have available. There has to be more out there! I mean the one I went to today will do. It was clean spacious but there was no dishwasher or laundry in unit and I know I'm dreaming here but I'd love a fireplace! I mean if I'm gonna be stuck by myself all winter a fireplace to read in front of would be really nice. I don't know if that's realistic on our budget but dammit I'm sure gonna try!
This movie is so dumb... Don't bother lol unless you want a really dumb dude movie to watch some night. I gotta say it's been good to have on in the background and there's been a few good laughs but it's so dumb lol
I bought like 6 audio books tonight... I'm getting ready for some lonely. I just finished "The Help"... Such a great book! I haven't watched the movie yet cuz I wanted to read the book first so now that's going on my list. I'm actually excited about having all this time to catch up on some reading. I'm only 2 books in to the Harry Potter series...I know. I'm WAY behind the times. I also haven't watched the movies so I'm watching each one after I finish the book. These are good goals... Good habits I need to create during this time.
Today was a better day... I'm so glad. I needed a day of non-emotion. Tomorrow is Thursday tho and we're always slower so we'll see but I'm gonna try to enjoy this brief reprieve as long as I can. I hope you had a good day. I miss you...I really wish things were different between us so I could get you a job with me. It's such a great place to work... You'd really thrive there. I know you're sick and you're always going to have that... But seriously I wish you had this too.
Ok enough of this. Time for some rest. I'm crossing my fingers that I can actually sleep through the night tonight... Double dose of melatonin here I come!
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