Yesterday was a turning point for me. I'm not sure what happened or how but I got stronger yesterday. I realized that I've done nothing but best myself up for 3 weeks. I felt like I couldn't live up to your standards or make you happy... And then you left confirming some of my biggest fears that I'm unlovable. These insecurities will always haunt me. I'll always wonder if I had kept some things back if you would've stayed but then I realized that part of what made you fall for me was my honesty and my willingness to trust you with my heart. So... Even though I lost you in the end, it was worth it to love you fully.
My heart still hurts but I've resigned myself to loving you through all this. I'll always have a piece of you with me and I'll never give up hope that you're still out there thinking about me too. My biggest dream is that you come back to me but I know that's just a dream. So instead I rest on the knowledge that you truly loved me once and that our love was so strong that you'll never forget me. I draw from that strength.
I want to be strong for you. I want to be happy and to not need you in my life to be fulfilled. I feel the corner turning for those goals finally but it doesn't change the fact that I want you in my life and that my life was better with you in it. You made me better. You have me something to push for when all I wanted to do was give up. For that I'll forever be grateful.
I know my personality can be intense but I hope you felt the love and that you understood how rare that was for me to be so vulnerable with someone. You were special. You earned my trust. I gladly gave to you... And I don't regret that.
I believe without a shadow of a doubt that what we had was special and worth fighting for. It wasn't without its complications or complexities but when both of us were on the same page with making it work all that faded away. I know we can do this again... But we have to both want it and be committed to it. That's the one thing that keeps me from being sure about this. I'm not sure you do want this anymore... At least not enough to fight for it.
I trained with Emily last night and she focused on arms and abs... Holy shit. Weakest part of my body is my arms and they feel like jello this morning but it also feels really good to be getting fit and actually toning my body the way I've always wanted to. I owe a large part of that to you. You motivated me and encouraged me when I wanted to be lazy. Now I'm in a good pattern and it feels so good!
Still haven't heard from the agency. They were supposed to meet with birth mom yesterday afternoon so I'm hoping we hear something today... This is all just so nerve racking! I had a dream last night that we showed up and I didn't bring any baby stuff... None. Which I have all the essentials already so that makes zero sense. But anyways they sent me to the store to at least get a carseat and they were all sold out... Like really? Haha... Only I have dumb dreams like that.
Everyone is in a good mood today despite how dreary it's been the last couple days. I actually love this weather. Makes me just wanna wrap up in a blanket with some tea and a good book... Some happy relaxing music on.... Or spend all day in bed with a special someone ;-) Maybe I'll do that Friday night... The first part I mean lol I think I could handle being by myself now... Hopefully. We'll see how today and tomorrow go then I'll decide. I also have some art supplies I need to break in. Maybe I'll work on some drawing...I haven't done that in a long time and last time I tried I didn't have the right tools so all my shading sucked. It should go better this time now that I bought new stuff.
Ugh... So many things I would say to you today. I'm in such a "don't wanna work just wanna play... If you know what I mean ;-)" kind of mood. I really miss that part of us. Those were some of my favorite moments. We had so much fun together messing around. You always kept me laughing with your wit. I doubt I will ever meet someone as sexually charged and witty as you... Which makes me really sad because that's one of the things I really loved about you and about us.
Today would be a day where I would probably just pick up with you where we left off... In a good way. Wash all this drama and madness down the drain and just enjoy the US that we both grew to love originally. I'm tired of analyzing, being mad, feeling misunderstood and hurt...I just want us back. I want what we could've had if we both knew then what we know now.
Do you remember the song "What Ifs" by Kane Brown? I told you it reminded me of you and how you used to tell me to just relax and let things be. There's another reason I picked that song... Back then we fit so well together. We were made for each other and we both saw it. That could still be us... We just let the complications of this choke out the good things we had. We let the circumstances control us instead of the other way around.
I know I shouldn't get any hope up that you're coming back. It's not fair to myself. It'll just start this horrid cycle all over again. But having hope helps me be strong. Maybe that won't be necessary and that hope will fade over time... But it's what I need for right now and I'm ok with that.
What is it with the British accent that immediately makes me go weak in the knees.... Literally get shivers lol heaven help me if a man with a British accent ever pursues me...I will be dead in the water. Just take me now ;-)
Ugh I'm in such a decent mood today...I miss talking to you on days like this :-(
I thought about what it would be like to have sex with you again...I got really hot and bothered. Gosh how do you do that and you're not even here? I hope those effects you had on me never wear off...I need them.
I can feel the sadness creeping back in this afternoon. I'm working really hard on fighting it... On staying strong. I have hope in all this. I want us to try again... But I know that you don't. And even if you did you think it's impossible or that were bad for each other so you're not going to budge.
No hope... Bring on the sadness
I have riding lessons tonight so I'm trying to hold on until then. Riding always helps and I'm learning new things which is exciting and challenging. I just still really miss you...
Trying to stay focused on work like you'd want me to. I'm actually getting really good. At least the foundational knowledge is coming more seamlessly now. I'm learning all the nitty gritty details which always helps. I really like it here. There's still so much to learn so I doubt I'll get bored any time soon which is a good feeling.
Support has been pretty busy this afternoon which has helped. That sinking feeling in my gut still comes when I think about you never coming back and my ears get all hot... Not in a good way. Your absence had left physical indicators on me. I wish that wasn't the case... But it is. I'm sorry I loved you so hard and I'm not able to just let you go easily. I just can't give up yet.
Have I ever told you about my "vision"? It's not really a vision... More of a feeling. I've always felt this pull towards African American children. I love all kids but for some reason they were always my favorite when I taught...I know that's kinda weird but whatever. Don't analyze it ok lol
Anyways I've had this feeling that some day I'll have an African American son...I don't know why but I can't get that out of my head for some reason. It's so strong that sometimes I don't even want to go for situations if it's a girl. I still do obviously but it's just weird.
Well this week, while waiting for news about this baby in Louisiana, I have seen so many little black girls and I don't know what it is but I'm like, yeah I could do that. None of this means anything of course. There's no magical sign or whatever. Just been a weird thing in my head that I can't shake. I thought I'd tell you... Cuz you'd definitely confirm its unrealistic and weird lol and that's ok.
Even after all this time it seems like just yesterday things were normal between us. I'd text you in the morning sometimes with a happy picture or bitmoji just to hopefully get you to smile and we'd go about our day talking off and on about random things and life and us and how much we wanted each other. I still reach for my phone. It's so engrained in me to talk to you... It's such a hard habit to break. And honestly I don't want to yet. So if I can't talk to you via text... I'll just talk to you here instead. I can at least pretend I know what you'd say... That could be a fun game lol
I still expect to hear from you throughout the day... Not sure why but that's hard to shake too.
Maybe it's just cuz I'm getting sick, not likely, but all I really want to do is lay with my head on your chest and feel you hold me tight... Your hands meshed with mine. I would give almost anything to feel that right now... Almost anything.
The pain is back baby...I made it until the end of the day this time but it's still back. I really miss you...
Headed to riding lessons... Gonna do my best to focus. My abs are killing me from my workout yesterday so they'll really be on fire after this but I'm excited that I'm getting better. Oh! I forgot to tell you! My friend Alex that I met at Kanzaa has horses and she invited me to go riding with her whenever I want! I have to get a little better before I do that but I'm so excited I made that connection. She just moved here from DC so she doesn't have a lot of friends. I think this may be a good thing but we'll see... Too early to tell.
Well so much for my 2 day stretch of not crying. On my way home from riding I had a full memory of us together hit me in the gut. It literally knocked the breath out of me for a minute. This doesn't happen often so it's bittersweet. I love reliving these memories with you but it also reminds me that you're gone and I'll never see you or be with you again. That's when the tears started coming.
God Max why are you doing this? We were amazing together. We lost our way for a little bit but we could've gotten it back. We were getting there. Why couldn't you just give us a little longer? I didn't even see it coming. You fought all weekend not to lose me then in a matter of a day you were gone. I just don't get it. Why are you gone? Why did you leave me?
Ugh I'm sorry... I'm not trying to whine I promise. I just miss you with every ounce of my body and my heart aches. This sucks on a million levels. I've never felt this way before about losing someone. I don't know what else to do. I've tried everything. I thought I was doing better today now look at me. Complete reversal.
I think it's officially time for me to take some cold medicine and go to bed. I clearly can't win today... No matter how hard I try. Seems to be a running theme in my life.
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