A little slower day today but I think I'm in a better place now emotionally... More level. I've missed this feeling. Just being normal. Being able to act normal. Not feeling like I have to hide my emotions. Just relaxed. I still have my moments of sadness and regret and missing you... But they're more bearable now I think.
I think sometimes it's hard to let go of the grief sometimes because you feel if you move on or get back to normal you almost feel like you're betraying the relationship you had... Like it wasn't special. Despite the mistakes I made, our relationship was so special to me... It still is. But I know now that it's ok for me to let go of those melancholy feelings. I've grieved enough...I can't live in that state forever. And just because I'm leaving those feelings of grief behind doesn't mean I'm losing the feelings I had for you. If anything it helps me remember you more fondly and that's what I want.
Side note...I miss sex with you hun. I didn't even really get to get comfortable with you and really let myself go. Never got to improve my BJ skills with you or have you really eat me out. Also, the times we were together I wasn't at my best downstairs. I'm getting a wax today and it makes me sad that you never got to see me in my prime :-( I know you said that stuff doesn't matter... But I wanted you to have my best and I feel like I was never really ever to give that to you.
On another side note...I visualized you last night when I was using my toy... It was really really nice. I'm apparently also squirting on the regular now so that's cool. At least I have that positive to add to my list of things you did for me.
Went and got my wax and my six week therapy session with Shannon lol she's so wise. I told her where I'm at and she didn't judge. She just listened. She knows about my past which helps. But she said some things that really made me think... Mainly because I've already been feeling them. First she made sure I understood that I'm not a bad person... Which is always helpful. But then she looked at me and she told me that maybe some of these things happened for a reason, that they were supposed to be a signal/sign for me that something wasn't right. What that is I'm not sure... If it's something off with me or my marriage to Clint. But I'm at a place where I really need to find who I am. Until I do that and get rebalanced in my life I'm never going to know which direction to go.
We also talked about chemistry. How I can't remember a time that Clint and I have ever really had chemistry, that we've ever been consistently sexually compatible... And we talked about that a bit. It's something that's been ticking away at my mind for awhile. I was raised to think chemistry wasn't necessary for marriage. That if you're a good team and you're comfortable and you work hard enough you can make it work... Cuz you made a commitment. But what if Clint and I were never meant to be married. What if we were best friends that got along so well that we decided to get married but that's really all we've ever been... Really great roommates. Or again... Is that just a perspective thing?
I think it just hit me how much of a crossroads in at in my life.
I could literally decide anything right now... And that's incredibly scary. I've been with Clint for so long... We're comfortable. But is that a good enough reason to not choose a different path?
There's no doubt that I love Clint and that I don't want to hurt him. But am I in love with him? And are those good enough reasons to continue depriving myself of a life of chemistry?
I do not need to decide this right now. Back to distraction.
Been a busier afternoon which is nice. Had a couple longer calls tho which sucks... Always makes my head hurt literally and figuratively lol
When do you think I should move out? End of October too soon or just right to get settled in before the holidays? Clint is gonna be gone all day Sunday so I thought about checking out a couple places that afternoon to see what might work. Is it weird that I'm kind of excited about that?
Clint wants me to get a month to month to try to save money instead of the typical 3 month short term but honestly I think I just need to stick it out. Even if it only takes me a month or two to figure my shit out, I still need to take my time and let it settle in. There's no rush on this. It's a huge decision and whatever I decide I want to make sure I'm at peace with it.
A long term relationship needs chemistry and compatibility....That just kinda came to me and I had to write it down before I forgot.
Line dancathon tonight... Always so much fun! Alex and Morgan will be there...2 friends from 2 different areas of my life. Sometimes that doesn't go over so well but it's all good. We do more dancing than talking anyways. I hope there are some guys there to dance with after the line dancing is done. I gotta brush up before Friday.
Oh, apparently all the cute cowboys from the rodeo came to Kanzaa last Friday night. We missed it cuz we were at P&L. Not that I'm complaining too much cuz I still had a great time... Obviously lol but damn... Real cowboys! Ugh...I gotta get in on the 411 around here!
You know it's been almost 2 months since we first slept together? In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago... So much has changed and happened since then. In other ways it feels like just yesterday...I still see you, feel you, hey that heated rush thinking about it. I hope I never lose that.
I don't know what my answers are to all the questions of my life but I do know I want to start enjoying life again. I got a taste of that with you...I want that taste back. I need to figure out how to enjoy life without relying on a man or any one person to help me get there.
I know I can be happy with Clint... Surprisingly we are in a really great place. I feel like this last year has been one of the best years we've had together connection-wise. So... If that's the case, why do I still feel so unfulfilled by my marriage? Why did I need what you gave me so badly? Because I've never had chemistry like that. I've never had someone pursue me like that before or make me feel so safe and sexy all in the same breath. I don't know what all this means yet... But it means something.
I had so much fun dancing tonight and making new connections. I know so many ppl now and I'm introducing them to each other. It's great. I love that I have this place. Wherever I end up I need to be close to Kanzaa... This is my home for now.
I hope you had a good day...I mean I wouldn't know but I can still hope. I'm gonna go fuck myself cuz Clint is already in bed... So there's that. This is my life.
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