This morning I just miss you. No more analyzing. No more struggling to figure out why. Today I just miss you and wish things weren't the way they are... That you would come back to me.
I actually hope you didn't love me as much as you said you did. It'll be easier for you to heal from this if you didn't. I don't want you feeling like I am right now. Struggling every minute to not think about you and how much I miss you. I want a better life for you than that. If I can't bring happiness to your life by being in it, I at least don't want to bring you pain by not being there either.
Maybe it would be better for you if I just disappear. Not in a suicidal way... But just no more social media. You have to heal from this... That was the whole point of you breaking things off anyway. I have to make things easier on you. No more thinking of me and putting me first. You have to focus on you.
First day by myself with no distraction or interruption. Not sure if this will be a good or bad thing.
Watching an episode of TVD and "Ocean Wide" played on one of the scenes. It got me... Gets me every time. But Clint was still here so I had to keep it together. He wouldn't have left if he knew I was upset.
I miss you so much. This sadness won't go away. Why did you have to leave me? Why wasn't I enough for you to keep fighting? The tears keep falling down... They won't stop. I can't make them. There's such a deep hole in my heart where you used to be. I don't know how to function without you. I play this game and I pretend but when I'm alone I can't keep up the façade. How am I supposed to move on from loving you? You were one of the best things that ever happened to me... And you vanished from my life forever.
It's almost as if you died. I don't know how to deal with this. The rejection, the pain, the sadness, the emptiness, the abandonment... It's all too much. Where did you go? I needed you...
All this pain and yet I don't want you to come back. You'd be sacrificing yourself for me... Again. And I couldn't live with that. I can't be selfish in this anymore. I'm clearly not good for you. I have to let you go. You need to forget about me and move on.
I don't think I have the strength to move on from you but I think I can somehow find the strength to deal with you letting me go and doing what's best for you. That Thursday night when I tried to leave because I didn't think I was good for you...I cried the whole night until you texted back. I cried writing those words. I cried sending them to you. And I cried even harder when I thought you were gonna let me leave. When you texted me back and told me I didn't have to go I've never felt so much peace wash over me. But I was right all along... You did need me to leave. Because I'm not good for you. I almost wish I would've just stuck to my decision that night... But then the ball would've been in my court. And we both know I can't stay away from you if it's my choice. It had to be yours because now I have to respect your wishes.
I sat on my couch curled in a ball and cried for you... Didn't take Clint being gone more than five minutes. Is this how my life is going to be now?
Reading through some old texts I have saved. They were from the first night you came over. Do you remember how amazing that was? How good it felt to be together? You told me it was like a dream. That you wished you could've turned those minutes to years. That you had that butterfly feeling and it felt so good. That you were sad that it couldn't be more but you were happy you were sad because that meant your love for me was so real and deep.
I read those words today and it reminded me of how amazing we had it for a little while. Of how much you used to love me and dream with me. Of how amazing it felt to be loved and cherished by you. I felt like I could conquer the world because I had you with me airways. It hurts to think back but it's a good kind of pain. It's the kind of pain that reminds me that what we had was real. That I'm struggling so much right now because I loved you with everything I had and you did the same. I wish things were different. I wish you hadn't changed. That you hadn't pushed me away. I wish we could've just lived in that world forever.
I have these moments where I forget that you're gone. I get distracted enough or I just feel like we're on a break or its just a busy day for you and you can't talk. Thinking that way actually helps... It pushes the pain down for a little bit. So what if I'm living in denial and have periodic relapses where realty hits me. If the only way I can cope is by lying to myself then so be it.
Had an old friend text me today to see how I'm doing. I couldn't tell her anything concrete so I just blamed it on anxiety and a bout of depression. I thanked her for checking in and we chatted for a little bit. It was nice... But my heart still longs to talk with you.
I put together a playlist of music today... Music that will help me feel the emotion of you leaving. You may think that's dumb... But it's how I work. If I bottle it up too long I'll explode. So this is what I'll use in those moments when I'm alone and it's safe to process. Hopefully that will help me keep my brave face on for everyone the rest of the time.
I found out today my grandpa is in the hospital. They think he might have cancer but their waiting to do more tests on Wed. It sucks not being home at times like this. I know my mom is really struggling with it... It would be nice to there for her. She's a rock emotionally... Not much shakes her. I wish I could be more like that. But then again if I was I never would've fallen for you... And I wouldn't trade those memories for all the pain in the world.
Maybe sending Clint away today wasn't the best idea. I'm trying to keep my mind occupied but that's proving to be more difficult than I thought. I wish I knew how you were doing. I wish I could talk to you... That we could still be friends on some level. But that's not realistic for you is it? There's a reason you broke it off completely. I guess I just still don't get it. I know you loved me once... How is this for the best? Why are you keeping us apart? Do you have any idea how big of a void you left in my life? How much this hurts? This isn't better...
Another bout of uncontrollable crying... And you know what triggered it? The scene on TVD... This couple was talking about being special friends. That's all it took. Just that... And it was over. My breath caught in my chest and the tears started flowing down my cheeks. Why does this keep happening? I've never had this hard of a time dealing anything before. I don't fall apart like this. I stay controlled... I'm not this person. What have you done to me? I can't survive without you in my life. Please come back to me babe...I don't think I can get through this.
I'm sorry I'm so selfish that I even would ask that. It's not fair. I know you had to do what's best for you and I want that for you too. This just hurts so much. I don't think you'll ever really understand what you meant to me. How much I needed you. I know you hated when I used that word but it's true. You were so good for me...I recognized that early on and I still believe that now.
I can't even begin to think how awful this coming Friday and Saturday will be. It was already gonna be bad enough that I ruined our chances of spending Friday together... Now I have to live with this too. I'm not really sure what I can do to help myself thru that evening.
God I really miss you. I miss your lips and the way you used to kiss me. How you held me so securely yet so tenderly.
Clint is coming home soon with dinner...I don't know if I want him to. I'm such a mess right now. I keep crying at random moments. Nothing helps.
I really hope you're not hurting like this too. I hope this is better for you.
And he's home... Here's to pretending and hoping it works.
Clint took me out for a drive in the country. He knows that usually helps when I'm going through some rough emotions. It did a little bit just because it's beautiful. But this time was different. The longer we were out there the more claustrophobic I felt in the car with him. I created this mess for myself. I broke me by loving you and now I don't know how to fix it or if I'll ever be the same. Those thoughts just drummed in on me the whole ride... It was not helpful.
I just can't believe you're gone. It all happened so fast. It doesn't make any sense. I know we had some moments over the last couple weeks but to just decide so quickly that it needed to be over.... It just doesn't add up. I mean you literally just got done telling me to stop worrying that you're going to leave. To stop comparing you with other people. That you were different and the fact that we slept together made a difference to you. I just really don't understand it. It's making all this harder... Because I simply can't accept that you're really gone. You said you wouldn't go... This just doesn't make sense.
I don't know how to be happy anymore. I'm so tired of feeling like this but I have no way of controlling it. You brought happiness into my life and I feel so much darkness without you here. I don't know if I'll ever heal from this. It just seems so hopeless. I've made such mess of my life. I see no way of ever fixing this bleeding heart... And if there's no way to fix it then am I doomed to live this way forever? Forever feeling this void...
"In all the wild world, there is no more desperate a creature than a human being on the verge of losing love."
I read that today... Reminded me of myself. Helped affirm me that I'm not the only one that's acted crazy and desperate for fear of losing the one they love.
I believe there are very few things in life worse than grieving someone you loved and not being able to tell a single soul.
I just miss you...I wish I could talk to you right now like we used to. Can we just pretend this never happened and go back to being us? It feels like it's been months since I saw you or talked to you. I had hardly any contact with you over the last couple weeks and then you ended it. This is just the worst.... And it hurts like hell.
All I want to do right now is sleep. Escape reality. Numb this pain. Make time pass until I don't hurt like this... If that's even possible. I'm not even tired but I want to try to knock myself out so I can just stop feeling this way for a little while. Unfortunately it's usually these nights that I want/need sleep the most that I don't get it.
I want to keep writing but I may need to turn my brain off so I can try to sleep...I doubt it'll work. Once Clint goes to bed, which is soon, I'm just gonna end up thinking and wondering what you're doing. Ugh...I really am in a lose lose situation. There is no winning for me in this. Hopefully you're finding a way to move on... Then you can win for the both of us.
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