I dreamed about you last night... Figures. We lived in the same apartment complex and I tried desperately to get you to notice I was there while not bring too obvious and invading your space... It was futile as you can imagine. I woke up in the middle of the night panicked cuz I couldn't get you to see me. Then I realized that's basically my life now... So that was a fun feeling.
Today has been another busy day. I guess someone really is looking down on me seeing I needed a consistent distraction from all the drama.
It's a beautiful day today so I grabbed some coffee and went to the park.
I did something dumb last night... Well more silly than dumb. Clint went to bed early and I got bored so I signed up for an online dating service lol I just wanted to see what it was all about. I wasn't impressed. Deleted it this morning. I can't meet ppl based off of a picture and some words on a profile. I'm more of an in-person person...I hate having everything so impersonal like that. Granted I say all this knowing I'm not really looking for anyone lol I'm so dumb.
I think I found an apartment... Well studio apartment. It's got a deck so I wouldn't feel completely trapped inside. Decent area and the floor plan works... Decent price. I'm gonna give Clint some more time to let this settle in. He's really sad today... Still willing to do this if it's best for me, but sad. I told him it would be weird if he wasn't sad. I'm sad too but if I don't do this there are things I'll never learn about myself. He gets that.
Called a therapist today... Same one Clint and I saw last fall. I really liked him. Very perceptive but empathetic. Tells it like it is. That's what I need right now so hopefully I'll be able to make something work.
Am I being selfish in all this? I feel like I'm just hurting Clint more....I don't know what to do. I should just choose him again and deal with it. But I'm afraid that's not gonna be enough for me anymore.
Wow... My day legit flew by! We were so busy today! I love it! Makes me feel so good when I'm able to multitask and really contribute to the team. I love that we have so many people to spread the workload out. It also makes for a fun atmosphere cuz it spreads the personalities out. You don't have to work closely with just a couple people all the time... Keeps ppl from getting all weird and stressed out with each other. Better team dynamics.
Emily kicked my ass again tonight. Walking lunges suck!! But...I did them! I got through the whole rotation 3 times. I can feel myself getting stronger. I just need to get to the gym at least one other time a week then I could get in a really good routine.
Doing these little things. Making these healthy habits in my weekly routine... They help. They help keep things moving forward. Give me a healthy distraction. And they all have positive side effects so... Just gotta keep on taking it one day at a time I guess.
There were some really hot guys at the gym... Like just wow! If I do end up single...I know where I'm gonna be all the time. Not that that's my goal... Just saying.
I'm trying to decide when to move out. It sucks that all this is gonna happen over the holidays but it'll be ok. I can come home whenever I want so it'll be ok. I mean I have to still decorate everything! I think I even have a mini tree I can put up in the apartment... See so it's all good. It could work!
Trying to be positive and take this as an opportunity that most people don't get. I know it'll be a sacrifice on some levels but it's short term for now and it will be worth it. Especially if it helps me figure myself out and rebalance my life so I can reassess what my goals are.
I read this thing tonight about relationships... It reminded me of us. I felt you slipping away so I tried to do everything I could to accommodate and dote on you so you wouldn't leave. I gave and gave but in the end I lost you....Because I smothered you. The very things I was doing to prove I wasn't giving up on you were the exact things that pushed you away. Constantly suggesting we meet cuz I missed you put pressure on you and made you feel like a failure when you couldn't please me. I did all the wrong things. I could blame this on a lot of things...I haven't been in a new relationship in a long time. I don't let a lot of people in so the ones I do I don't want to lose. I love deeply. All those things are true... But it doesn't make it right that I wasn't just confident in your love. I pushed you away because I got insecure. I'm so sorry. If there's anything I could change... That would be it.
I finally found the answer to my question... I'm the reason your emotions changed. You would've been fine continuing as we were... But I pushed you away. It's what I've known all along... But thinking through it like this just brings in a whole new light. You didn't do anything babe... This is all on me. Between my emotions freaking out and my smothering you every second. I'm surprised you didn't leave earlier. I'm so sorry I put you through all that. I wish it wouldn't have taken me all this time... And you leaving to see how awful of a "not girlfriend" I was to you. I'm so sorry honey. I wish I could say this to your face. That I could apologize for bringing the crazy to your life and forcing you to make the decision to leave. It kills me that you felt that was your only option. That's how I know how bad I was... You wouldn't have done it if you had another choice.
I promise I'm not being down on myself... It's just the truth. I destroyed us. I will live with that regret forever. You were one of the best things I've ever had in my life... It's my fault you're gone.
I want you to know... That's not usually me. The possessive crazy emotional psychopath. I lost myself loving you. I became someone who lost who she was because she was afraid of losing what she had. I wish I knew then what I know now. But I can't go back. You're gone forever. It's time for me to get myself back and learn to love deeply but the right way. I'm so sorry I loved you wrong baby. I'm so sorry...I wish I could let you know how sorry I am. How much I wish I could change. This is going to be my next battle... Getting over how much I failed you and forced you to leave me.
God, Jenelle.... Why does it take you so fucking long to learn these lessons? Why do you have to lose everything you hold dear before you realize what you were supposed to do? So dense, so stubborn, so incredibly stupid....
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