I'm emotionally exhausted... And I just really miss you today. I don't really know what else to say. I wish you were here. I wish you hadn't left. I know this isn't rational but it's how I feel. I want you back... Even just as my friend. I miss having you as my person. This last month of separation has done nothing to change how I feel about you... Sorry to disappoint you. It's still there... All of it.
I would give just about anything to see you right now. Just to see you, to talk with you, to enjoy your company again, to laugh with you and see you smile.
These days without you are lonely and drawn out. I feel like I just move from one distraction to another. The tears don't flow quite as readily as before so that's an improvement I guess. But nothing about the hole where you used to be has changed. It still screams at me and begs for you to come back. I don't know that that will ever change babe...I honestly don't know if I will ever stop internally screaming for you to come back. That scares me for a couple reasons. One... If I can't let you go what does that mean for Clint. Two... What if you never come back. I know it shouldn't but the second fear is the strongest right now. I still don't understand how you can leave so suddenly and remain silent all this time.
I lied... Tears do still fill my eyes randomly.
I shouldn't say this but at this point what does it matter? Some days in really jealous of Kelsey... Some days I really wish I was her. You probably don't know this song by Little Big Town but I listen to it a lot. "Girl Crush"
But that's never going to be my reality. I know that. I wouldn't want to replace Kelsey anyways... She's good for you. Better than I ever would be. I just wish things could've worked out like we wanted.
You're not coming back tho are you? You weren't before and you're definitely not now. No texts, no closure... Just a lot of dead space and silence. That's what I get to remember you by. I get it tho... This is just you and how you deal. It would just be nice to know that you care... But maybe that's asking too much. I honestly don't know anymore.
I really fucked myself up didn't I? I wish you could help me figure it out... You were amazing at that. But I get it... Too much drama for you. Trust me...I got that message loud and clear.
I really hope you've benefited from leaving like you thought you would. I want that for you because I love you but I also need that to be the case because otherwise this is all just so incredibly pointless.
I had lunch with Clint today which really helped. Also Friday afternoons are just generally lighter on support as you know so that helps. My mood has shifted this afternoon a bit and that feels good. I'm tired of feeling sad but I know that's just the nature of what I'm going through. I can't really just turn it off. I wish I could but I can't. So I'll just enjoy these brief moments where I feel some sunshine again. Maybe they'll help me keep pushing forward.
Clint and I talked at lunch about me moving out for a few months. Getting my own place so I could really take some time to just be me. We're gonna do some research this weekend to see what might work best and not be too pricy. Prolly just get a studio apartment. We have enough extra furniture that wouldn't be a pain to move that would work for a temporary set up.
I don't know why but this idea actually energized me to talk about. I've never really been on my own. Even the year I was out of college waiting for Clint to graduate I still lived at home with my parents. Maybe this will be a good choice for me... Or maybe I'll get moved in, be bored to death, and move back home in a week lol Who knows.
I also told him I want to do counseling I think. Not with both of us... Cuz let's be honest there's nothing wrong with him or us. I'm clearly the issue. I need an unbiased but professional person to give me some clarity. I think those will both be good steps. It gives me hope at least... It's something.
I'm excited about going out tonight with my friend Alex. We're going to P&L this time instead of Kanzaa got she has this free happy hour thing. Not as much serious dancing happens there so I'm having Clint drop me off and I'll Uber home. Then I won't have to worry so much about driving and all that jazz. It would be fun... Definitely a different caliber of people so that should be fun too. Should be a bit more exciting lol It'll be a good distraction if nothing else.
Going out on nights like these is good for me. It energizes me and it's just fun. It makes me a little sad tho. These were the nights we always had some of the best conversations... They were just fun and frisky. I really miss that. I don't have anyone to really text me like that while I'm out. Do you miss that too? Those crazy nights I'd come home a little tipsy and we'd have those conversations that got us both all hot and bothered. I'm sure you do... Cuz you're you lol I wish you'd come back so we could enjoy that again.
I wish I could even mimick what we used to do but let's be honest. Me talking to you about all the things I see and do without you giving commentary is just depressing. So I'm gonna post this now and I'm gonna try to turn you off for the rest of the evening... Although I seriously doubt that will be possible.
As always...I love you still and I hope you have a good night. I really miss getting those good night's from you. It was one of my favorite things. Night luv...
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