I started off in a good mood today... Then I started taking customer calls and apparently became a magnet for sass today. Like good grief! If I had the ability to reach through the phone and slap someone, I would've already done it several times. Just saying...
Clint has been really depressed and stressed this week. I think now that I'm a little more emotionally stable all his emotions are catching up with him. Pretty typical cycle for us when we're both going through something at the same time. I'm trying to be there for him but it's hard when all his emotions are negative towards me... And for good reason. I really would like to get the ball rolling on this moving out thing but I think I need to wait until he's in a better place. I don't want to add anything to his plate right now.
I really hate that I'm hurting him so much with all of this. They were my choices and I tried so hard to not have them effect him. I hate that he's struggling. That some day he may have to struggle even more if I choose to leave. That all his dreams will have to be rewritten... Because of me. I'm going to hurt him either way. If I stay just because I don't want to hurt him or because it's easier not to split, that motivation will eventually die and we'll be back in the same situation. No...I have to have the right motivation in my choice to stay or leave. It's the only way either of us will find peace in all this.
I have moments where I can see my life as a single person looking for that missing element of chemistry and being perfectly happy with that situation. Then Clint does something sweet or makes me laugh just by being himself... And I realize I never want to lose him. I hate this all so much...I feel like it's the biggest lose-lose situation I'll ever be in... Why can't things just be simple?!
I miss the carefree days off talking to you... You know the days before things got all weird and complicated. I would give just about anything to go back there right now.
So we have lunch and learns every other Thursday where they provide lunch for us and teach us about something. Today they gave us information about our internal meeting analyzer that basically gives the raw data of the meetings so we can dig into the details and figure out problems on our own before sending to engineering. I already use it a ton but I'm definitely going to start using it more now. I had no idea it gave so much information! Also I love that they consistently invest in us as a team like this. It not only keeps us improving our skills but it keeps everyone on the same page too.... It's just so simple but so effective. The only downside to this is that it was an absolutely gorgeous day and I couldn't get outside to enjoy it.
I found myself daydreaming during the meeting... Going back to you and me and the times we were together. Then I had to stop cuz I was getting all hot and bothered lol God I miss you and the effect you have on me. Regardless of what decision I make in all this, I doubt I'll ever find someone with chemistry like I had with you. This realization makes me really sad...
I know I made a lot of mistakes but do you miss me at all? Or does everything I did make you happy you're gone? Maybe I don't want to know the answer to that question.
I think I may have spoken too early when I said I thought my emotions were leveled out. Today has been...rough. I still really miss you and think of you all the time. I miss seeing your name "hulk" pop up on my phone. I miss everything about what we had.
I don't know if I can write anymore today. I'm getting really sad again. Why aren't there enough distractions to help me get through this? Can someone please just come fast forward time until I can breath without thinking about you?
Made the mistake of reading some of the last things you said to me the night you left....I actually cried at my desk. God this hurts so much still...
Had to get up and walk around for a minute... Shake it off. It's only 5... This day is crawling and that's definitely not helping.
I just really don't feel like doing this anymore. Why do I keep trying? What's the point? Clint would be better off without me... You clearly are. So what's the point of me trying to figure all this out? He might hurt for a little while but he's a catch. He'll recover and find some amazing woman who will love him forever. And you will move on... You probably already have... And you'll forget about me. Then me... I'll just live life. Floating from one good fuck to another. That seems like a fitting future for someone with my type of issues... Never really getting too close, sparing those around me, but still having enough of a relationship for companionship and chemistry... Yeah all that sounds about right. I should stop delaying and really just get to it.
I looked at apartments again tonight. Temporary studios and some long term nicer ones. I think I'm gonna stick to the Overland Park area if it becomes long term but for now I'm just hanging out around the Shawnee area... Its hallway between work and home and still close to highways and the city so I think that will work. I sent out some emails tonight so we'll see what happens. I know this is a big deal... That's why I have to take a chance and just do it.
Sometimes I really wish you could come with me on this adventure. Technically you will... You'll always be with me.
I don't let people say bad things about you. When I've told my story I know it can come across as if you got what you wanted then left... But I always make sure to stress how much you loved me and that it wasn't easy for you to walk away. I hope all those things are true... But I just don't want anyone else thinking they aren't. Even D asked me last week why you would walk away from this. He couldn't understand. I looked at him and told him not to be fooled by the fun outgoing exterior... There's a lot of drama hidden under here. It's not your fault you couldn't put up with it anymore. He still thought you were crazy to leave, esp after we kissed and were dancing at the end of the night... I guess he could feel my fire too. But at least I tried.
Well today has been exhausting and I'm incredibly tired of thinking. Clint wanted to have sex tonight but he's watching the game and I'm honestly not really in the mood to try. So time to turn the brain off I guess.
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