Numb - 10/12

Not sure how I feel today. It's possible I've completely fried my emotions to the point where I have none... Which may be a good thing at this point. I really feel nothing. I just kinda move from one event to the next throughout my day. 

I might also be shutting them down subconsciously in preparation for tonight. Part of Clint's request in working through this is that I talk to a couple trusted girl friends about the situation to get accountability and wisdom. So.... I'm doing that tonight. Should be loads of fun explaining all this. Reliving the heaviness of all this and the disappointment I'm sure to see on their faces is gonna just really be the icing on the cake. I know they'll be loving...I picked them for that reason. But they may also be harsh in what needs to happen next and I'm not ready to hear next steps yet. So... I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I feel like I'm entering some fucked up version of a ten step program. Lucky me.

Today's been quiet so far... Thursday's usually are here. It's nice but it's also these days when I really seem to struggle with missing you the most. I don't have as much distraction and I'm constantly reminded of how much we used to talk. How you used to fill these lonely hours with your sarcasm and witty comments. You weren't just a distraction. I thoroughly enjoyed conversing with you. It kept my mind active and my emotions level. I really miss that...I miss you. I still talk to ppl throughout the day but nothing really compares to what we had. Even talking with Clint all day is different. He brings a lot to the table... Definitely has a great sense of humor especially when I need a distraction or there's stress of any kind. So that's good. But it's still different. It's still not you. I think I'm beginning to realize that I'm never going to replace you or the influence you had on me... And that both makes me sad and concerned. You were so good for me and I'm struggling to find something that affects me the same way as you. I don't know that I'll ever find that again. 

So I just started my period...4 days early. Definitely wasn't expecting that. Usually stress delays it but whatever. I'd rather get it over with anyways. It's odd tho because I've been surprisingly calm the last couple days and as you already know that's not normal for me right before I start. Gosh... That information brings back some not so great memories. I just realized it's been almost a month since we were really normal. That is not a great realization to have... And the feeling that just washed over me is just incredible, overwhelming sadness. 

I know I should stay busy. I know I should stop doing this to myself. Stop thinking about you... Erase you from my mind. But... Honestly hun, you were gonna be in my forever. It wouldn't have been easy or traditional but you were one of my people and once my heart makes that jump it's really hard to carve you back out. I know what my circumstances and you leaving dictate that I should do. But I can't tell my heart that it needs to stop remembering how safe I felt with you. I don't get that feeling often and since you left my heart continues to search for any remnant of that security I had in you. I can't just turn this off... And I'm not sure how you did. Maybe I was wrong to let you take up permanent residence in my heart...I don't know and it really doesn't change the fact that that's what happened. All I know now is that I don't know if I'll ever fully heal from this. Time may make it more bearable... But that hole will never truly leave. You can't be replaced.

I think I'm just done fighting today. I fought so hard for you and everything I did pushed you away instead. I ended up losing you. I fought for Clint once and now look where I am. I don't know if I have the strength to fight for him again. He's definitely worth it...I just don't know if I can. How will my life ever be the same with him knowing what he knows now? He's a catch... And I shouldn't be the one he's chained to forever. I'm not good enough for him. Or for anyone. No one would ever really understand. I gave that up. I risked it all... To be with someone I loved. Someone who made me so happy. It wasn't supposed to be a temporary fling... That's why I was willing to give so much. And it all faded so fast... It slipped right through my fingers. Now I have nothing. No future. No hope. No best friend. No trusting husband. Nothing. I'm left with my arms wide open and no one in them. 

I may have made a lot of mistakes in all this. But there's one thing I hold on to...I loved you completely and fully. I don't know why God brought you into my life just to take you away. Or why I was so easily able to compromise for you. But I'd like to believe that you needed me and my capacity to love big... Even if just for a short time. I know my life is a mess right now but honestly, knowing that I was able to give you that gift makes all this pain and heartache worth it for me.  It's one of the only things that keeps me going because it reminds me that I did do one thing right in all of this. There was a time I told you I would do a lot more for a lot less... That's still true today, even with everything that's happening. I still don't regret loving you.

Sorry for being a little more emotionally heavy today... It's just the mood I'm in. Clint has a big presentation today so I'm also trying to spare him from having to deal with this. Technically you're not here anymore anyways so...I don't even know why I'm apologizing. 

Clint and I had a pretty ridiculously amazing conversation this afternoon. I was not in a good place because with him knowing about what happened it obliviously puts a lot more on me to figure out the future. We actually talked through what our future would look like if we were to split. I know that sounds weird but we've always been able to do that... Even talking about death we've done that. I know it's weird but whatever. We both decided that even though we want to stay together it may not be best just simply because I don't know if I can without hurting him anymore and I'm tired of hurting him. 

If we were to split though we would still be best friends. We'd still be in each other's lives as long and as much as possible. We're too connected not to. The only thing that would eventually change that would be time space and potential remarriages. But it honestly really helped to talk through all that. I don't think I could lose him right now... Especially after losing you. Having that guarantee that he would never really leave even if the status changed really made a huge difference.

That being said...I still have no clue what to do. Parts of me want to start a family, be a mom and a wife...I just don't know if I can. I've tried the wife thing and the traditional concept doesn't work for me. If Clint could compromise on that then all would be perfect... But he can't and that's ok. I don't want him to trade his principles for my happiness. So... How do I achieve what I want? Is it even possible? Am I dreaming too big? Setting myself up for failure... Again? I'm not sure I'll ever get the answers to these questions unless I step out on a limb... The question is which one will hurt Clint and I the least if it turns out to be the wrong choice?

Riding went really well tonight... Finally getting the rhythm of the trot down. She said if I can learn to control the horse really well at that pace then I'm golden cuz that's the hardest one. I felt really confident tonight so hopefully I can keep progressing. This is one of the few things that gives me peace and confidence in my life right now. I'm able to really focus in on it and let everything else fall away for a little bit. 

Had drinks with my 2 friends and shared my story including where Clint and I are at... So it's officially out in the open. But they know to keep it quiet. This is something private that Clint and I are working through and they both felt very privileged to be brought into the circle. They told me I was brave for sharing with them... That felt good cuz I really didn't feel brave at all. They were very loving and understanding in their responses. They didn't judge or push the typical Christian responses at me. They just listened. Then they affirmed me and told me I'm not hopeless. I do have worth and that this all really doesn't have anything to do with you or Clint.

I've been struggling for so long about feeling like something is missing. I feel so lost... Like I missed my calling or something. Up until now I've been able to fight it, suppress it, distract myself from it... But it's finally come to a point where I can't ignore it anymore. Just like I told you a million times... This is about me and what's missing for me. 

My one friend told me that I need to be ok taking my time to figure this out and that my focus shouldn't be on my marriage. She called me out when she said that I don't really know who I am and that's the real problem. I've been hiding myself for so long... All for legit good reason but I've lost who I really am. I need to find her again before I can do anything to fix my relationship with Clint. 

I thought I started finding that lost part of me with you... Which is part of why you leaving hurt me so badly. I was finally feeling free for the first time in so long. 

I think it's a good idea for me to take a break from Clint for a little while. I don't know when or what that will look like... But I think I need time to work on finding me again. I need the freedom and space to be able to do that. My friends actually encouraged this approach. They said it would be healthy and I agree...I was already leaning towards it. 

So... We'll see. All I know is that the numbness that I felt all day finally caught up with me. Exhaustion washed over me like a wave on my way home. It's time for me to get some rest for now. I don't have to have this figured out tonight. Tonight I sleep... And maybe get to dream of you if I'm lucky.