I woke up really missing you this morning... Like a lot. Like almost in tears laying in bed next to Clint kind of missing you. I don't know what to do honey...I want you back so bad. It doesn't even have to be like it was. I just miss my friend so much. You were my voice of reason and sanity and right now I could really use that. I could use the way you used to make me laugh. I just miss you Max...
You pursued me so passionately for so long and then in a matter of a weekend you turned it off and you were just gone. My heart is still reeling from that whiplash. Tears still fall from my eyes. I miss you. I miss what we had. I still don't understand why you left. How you could just flip that switch. You walked away and you never looked back. Do you even think about me? Do you wonder how I'm doing? Do you even care what happening in my life right now? How can you just walk away.... Was I nothing to you?
You used to say that we mattered. That our relationship was important, relevant, and even special. But it wasn't was it... At least not to you. If it was really special you would've fought for it. You wouldn't have let me go. I wasn't what I thought I was to you. I wanted to be your girl. I wanted to be special and cherished but you tossed me away like a piece of gum that had been stuck on your shoe for too long. All we had and all we'd built disappearing forever. I just don't understand.... And it hurts. It still hurts like hell.
I feel as if all my dreams are dying one by one right in front of my face. Everything I ever wanted and hoped for is gone. I'm struggling to understand why I keep fighting. Why I keep walking thru this life. I cause so much pain and heartache in my path. I don't do anyone any good. I just exist... Moving from one day to the next hoping to find some temporary happiness to help me get thru. You filled my life with happiness. When you left everything slowly started falling apart around me. Happiness became almost impossible to achieve. I don't know if I'll ever really find it again.
Why did you leave me babe? It hurts so bad without you here...I miss you so much and I simply can't make it stop.
You used to say you fell for my personality and the fact that I was hot was just a bonus... But in the end it was my personality that made you leave. It's these kinds of thoughts and reflections that leave me feeling so confused and so frustrated. I have no closure with us.... It just ended before I even knew what was happening. How do I make sense of all this? How do I just forget you?
Do you still have my pictures? Do they make you smile and remember how much fun we used to have? Or are they painful to look at because they remind you of what we lost? I hope they bring you joy. I hope they remind you of how much I loved you. How much I wanted to be with you every second of every day. How I wished we would've met when we were single. I would've given you all that and so much more.
Do you remember that Thursday night before you left? The one where I tried to leave and couldn't and we spent time talking about what you needed to be happy. I read through that conversation hoping to remember some happy feelings but all I see now is resentment and pain. You were so frustrated even then....I could feel the difference in how you talked to me. Some of our spark had already burnt out for you.
You told me you weren't leaving and that you'd only told me that like a million times... But it was like I was realizing it for the first time that night. That you were just different in how you loved... That you don't do the clingy thing once you get comfortable. I really wanted to get there for you. I'm not normally that clingy in a relationship but our circumstances just made it so difficult for me to be sure of you. It was my fault for not trusting you more... For making you feel like you were being punished if I didn't get enough. I never meant to make you feel like that. I honestly just really wanted to be with you and it hurt when I couldn't be. I never meant to make you feel like that was your fault or responsibility.
I think I realize now that we got to a place emotionally that you just couldn't handle. You didn't want it.... And that's why you left. I wasn't as much fun to be with anymore. I was more drama than I was worth. That's why you were able to leave so easily wasn't it? That's why you can still stay away even knowing all I'm going through. You loved the idea of breaking down my walls and making me feel safe. You said that was always you're goal... But you didn't realize the ripple effect that would have on me emotionally.
Sleeping with you was the culmination of my commitment to you. I never would've done that I'd known you didn't want to be that emotionally involved. I think that was the beginning of the end for us. I can't be that intimate physically with someone then just walk casually in and out of their lives as if it never happened. That's not me. I like sex because it represents connection. It's fun but it's also very symbolic for me.
I don't want to have regrets with us. I want to remember the beauty of what we had... But it's really hard to do that when I start to realize that I was the only one in the relationship who loved what we had and didn't want it to change. You really did stop wanting me.... And that realization hurts so much. The tears I have in my eyes are because of that. Because I risked so much for someone who didn't really want everything I had to give. And now I'm paying the price for it... In more ways than I care to count. I fell for you... And you told me it wasn't ok. Before I even had time to try to adjust emotionally you were gone. You gave up...I wasn't worth waiting for.
And even in all this I still don't hate you or blame you. Instead I wish I could've done better. I wish I could've not loved you as much. That I could've kept it fun and carefree like you wanted. I wish I could've been better for Clint... That I wouldn't have hurt him by loving you. I feel like such a complete failure today... Like I've wasted all my time here. I keep making bad choices and loving the wrong people. I just want to be normal. I want all this drama and heartache to go away. I'm so tired and exhausted from it all. This has been the worst month of my entire life. I can't ever remember being this consistently emotionally unhinged, this depressed and lonely. I can't remember ever grieving like I have for you. My heart is so broken... And it's all my fault.
Even as I lay here trying to hold back the tears that won't stop flowing, I think of you and Clint. The men who were supposed to be in my life forever. And the tears fall like rain... I've destroyed so much because of who I am.
I have completely fucked up my life... And I have no idea where to even start to fix it.
I'm so glad I got out today. Riding was the perfect thing I needed. I would've probably ended up just moping and being sad all day so it's good that I got out. I feel like my life needs to be all about distraction right now... And that's at least a healthy one. Alex said I looked really comfortable. She said I did a great job for a beginner...I just need to keep increasing my skills with the higher speeds.
We had a birthday party tonight for one of our friends that turned 30. I haven't gone to church in awhile so it was weird to see all the couples and families I used to be around all the time. It was a little sad... Thinking about the track Clint and I were on before all this happened. The track everyone still thinks we're on. But it was also good too. Good to see everyone again. I know I need to get back into church but I also know it will stir up a lot of emotion too... And I'm just not ready for that yet.
I think I know you loved me... And that you still do. But you never loved me like I thought you did... Which isn't your fault. It's mine for assuming the things you said meant certain things. I know you wanted to give more and you couldn't. I know that you wish things were different. I wish they were too. But we can't change our reality. I'm never going to forget you but I know I need to let you go a little bit. I have to be able to think clearly about my future and what I need. I don't know what that is yet... But I'm gonna take it one day at a time.
I like talking to you every day still. Talking to you always brought me clarity which is one thing I loved about our friendship. This helps... Even if you don't respond... Or don't want to respond. It still helps.
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